mr. dude

To whom it may concern,

I am immune to all the sweet talks. I get sick whenever I hear them, and I think you've realized that I only reply just for the sake of replying. I am trying to figure you out but I can't and its sad that we wont be seeing each other anymore. I know we've got cultural differences and you give me angry messages,but, it only shows that you care and I think its cute. It's funny when everything goes well when I see you and its a plus when we both don't believe in relationships (that is anymore). We have nothing in common and I have confirmed it. We don't live in the same country which make us learn about each other a lot. I know you'd read this, I wish you all the best in everything my friend.

:D

It is 8 am and I haven't been sleeping. I feel that I have lost something, but, I am not sure what. I have been wanting someone to love me or like me or find me attractive in a way, but, when it comes, I get scared. I think I would just let things be for now. I don't think my head is fit to be with anyone just yet. When I am ready, I guess I would know. At this moment, I am not quite cured yet by the last experience. I still think guys are dangerous to be serious with.

shrek?

my ex told me that i look like shrek..do i?! am i that ugly?

pretending

Alright, I have to admit, I am excited that I am going off to London, I miss the place...I cant wait to see my grown 5 year old niece!! I heard that she can say alot of words now. I hope she still remembers me though...I hope she wont run away if she sees me. Right now, I am looking at concerts and see if I can go to any...I hope Radiohead would be performing when I am there. It would be damn awesome if I could see them live. I am not sure if we would have money to go shopping though,but, if we do, it'd be great, if not, well, window shopping would be as nice..hehe.. :D

Maybe I need to save my money here, just incase. So, that means, less eating, less going out and less everything and which especially means no more paying for others. My problem is that I don't know how to say No and I don't know how to not be nice. Hopefully the new nabila would come out soon...People step on my head like nobody's business...yeah, i realize it....I have to stop! The thing is I like helping people,but, some just dont appreciate it. I am tired....I am tired of pretentious people...I am tired of pretending in front of the pretentious people...I am tired of acting like everything is A ok when everything is really not.

The truth, I can be and I am a happy person, its the toxic people around me that makes me down. People talk about everyone outside,no questions ask. People bitch all the time, people say bad things all the time, yeah, you'd feel low when you find out,it kills your heart,but, you've to get back on your feet. Thats life. The thing is, if you're cold and you hold a grudge, meaning, being revengeful, that is when you are immature and beyond. Yeah, you'd feel satisfied for awhile, but, for how long? Some knows that karma bites,but why do you still do it anyway?...revenge? I know I seem like I have a lot of problems,but, I think somehow people who have real problems are the ones who keep everything inside.

Its true, I am the one medicated, its true that I am the one who is diagnosed with bipolar, and so, yeah, people see me as the loud,annoying,crazy girl. I know that. Yeah, nobody is perfect and I dont think anybody should try to be perfect. Its the imperfections that make people shine. So, why the heck do people try to be perfect when they are actually bottling things up inside...when the balloon bursts...than you'd hear the loud "pop".

missing niece

I AM MISSING MY NIECE TERRIBLY!!!!! :'(

:D

Selamat Hari Raya everyone! Im glad that I get to meet up with all of my family and friends again. I just hope I can finish my assignments on time now. I can't wait to watch new moon.

saya rindu sama semua

My niece,sister and brother in law is in London now. So, looks like I wont be celebrating Raya with them. I miss Nadyn already :(. Seems that I miss alot of people,but, I am not sure if people think about me as much as I think of them. I miss my friends, I haven't seen them for a loooong time. I used to go out with them every day but, now, I don't see them anymore. Its pretty sad,but, I hope when I call them they'd see me.

I am actually looking forward to see all of them. Umi,habib,linda,m,dan,wan...all of those that i would usually hang out with in PJ..actually semua kawan yang lama tak jumpa pun rindu...I am sincere...seriously... I haven't been talking to anyone here,I wanted to spend time with my family as the niece was about to go off. Now, to think of it, I wont have alot of time here as I would be going off to London this november until January. After that, I would be (hopefully) studying in Perth in February. So, I think I am slightly running out of time.

say bye to nadyn :(

Went to help the orphans yesterday. Helped my aunty out and they kids were sooo cute! They danced and sing, they don't really have good backgrounds as they are not accepted in the society. Most of them are children who's mothers are prostitutes,so,they don't register,meaning,they dont go to school.

Nadyn is going to London this thursday. Buhbye stress ball :(

boring day

harini bosan sangat sampai layan budak kecik online...*sigh.....my cousin who is about 7 has a facebook account....so, yeah....takde kerja

saya mau pergi memanjat

It has been 2 weeks since i last climb...I wanna go climb!! I miss it...I feel really empty! maybe i should go swim later to replace climbing...i need to fill this emptiness

Yesterday

Hello there blog, nothing interesting happened today ,but, it was a long day for me yesterday,so,I would write about it.
9.30 am was my copywriting class,it seems that we've ALOT of assignments and we are to do ALOT of research. We've new projects every week,but,I would manage as I have only 3 or 4 days of class.

12.30 to 1.30 pm we had our "lunch" break,since its Ramadhan and I was and am fasting I don't go for lunch. I decided to do abit of research in the library since I got the new library card,but, after afew minutes the librarian lost my card and they wanted me to pay them back for the card. I refused to,because it was not my fault in the first place.

1.30 to 4.00 pm Class started and over,so, I went home feeling groggy and tired.

4.00 to 7.00 pm I slept and woke up as I had to eat to break my fast with my housemate. At this period of time a friend messaged and wanted to come over.

7.00 to 10 pm went to streetmall with fafa

10.00 pm My friend came over with his friend. I was really happy to see him...did I mention that I was happy to see him?...

the baby being gone

The niece is going in 2 weeks or so!! I am going to miss her what am I going to do at home without the baby?! I would miss both my sister and my brother in law too,but, Id miss the baby the most :( Its really sad!

flight of the conchords

I cant post the video here...I dont know why...but you guys should watch it...they are friggin funneyh they make me laugh like a hyena

ehem

If you came here on saturday and hung out with me for the longest time. I think talking to you was fun, have not been in to that sort of conversation for long. I am not sure if we would meet again,but, I sure hope we will. Alright, I have to admit, I do think about you a lot now. That is all. Alright thats enough nabila...tsk tsk tsk...guys guys guys...focus man you're in your second year! FOCUS! *slaps self*

Whats new in cyber?....Erm...I have a new Maldivian housemate who is married and currently her husband is staying inside the house,but, they seldom and I mean SELDOM meaning sometimes not at all come out of their room. Very anti-social indeed.Speaking of Maldivians..Sinaz..My brother from another mother and father is back. We were really happy,so,fafa and I went to his room and surprised him while he was still asleep. He brought alot of food this time. He gave us afew.

Andrew and I made a somewhat deal,it is stupid..because we are both single. He wanted a contract of a somewhat one week relationship. We ended up fighting in the end because he always think he is right and no matter what others tell him he'd go against it anyway. Oh well, but, all of us still care and love him regardless anyway.

Oh ya! I was late for my first presentation today. Wore bajukurung and alot of people looked at me like I was some alien, especially the locals. My ex schoolmate even said "wow..you're crazy" when she saw me. I know a cotton baju kurung can be out of fashion in Lim kok wing,but, it is comfortable. They made it as though it is prohibited for students to wear baju kurung in that college.

a surprise call

A familiar number called me at 1 am yesterday night. I thought it was my housemate, so, I picked it up. I said "haa...fafa..nape". A male voice clearing his throat was heard on the other line. To my surprise, it was my ex. I am not sure why he called me,so I said with a cheerful voice "hey! whatsup?" he said "nothing". He than wanted to know how I was doing, I said I am doing good (ofcourse now I am doing much better than when I was with him). He asked me about my family and the little niece. I told him that everyone is doing great and that my niece is improving alot on her vocabs.

I guess he was happy to hear that we were doing fine,but, for a person that I have not been talking to,he does not sound all that happy,he had a rather depressed tone.He used to talk alot though, maybe he was tired of work. I told him that my sister is going to go take her masters in London and that the niece is tagging along with my brother in law (not sure if he cares that much,but, I told him anyway). I asked him about his life and he kept saying that it was the same, that he is having the same routine everyday and he has been working endlessly. Him being a workaholic, I was not surprised at all. I did not ask him about his relationship about his girlfriend as for my opinion his girlfriend was not important in the conversation. I did somehow asked him why he called and wanted to know if he called to ask for help,but, he said "no, I just felt like calling".

I remember he wanted so much to continue his studies, again, so I asked him. He said that he is not going to study anytime soon,but, maybe he will.

I really hope he would be happy in his life and have alot of earnings from his work as he works hard for it.

Reaching for one

Steps down the street,
Joyful laughter paused,
Gazes had played itself,
Pondering and confused.

Midnight stroke,
it became bleak,
all is lost including wealth,
suffered phantoms misused.

Reaching out for one,
Light music heard,
it drew to the path,
running to locked doors,
as it was ashamed and abused.

The past followed,
it was lost in the dark,
traces came back,
but,it ran away blindly.

kjdlfkgklkdfknf.d

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

a person liking me

Alright....a guy confessed that he likes me! I dont know if I like him...he is cool and all but im just afraid....I asked him why he liked me his answer is that...he thinks that I am the most interesting person (female) that he has ever met...he adds...apart from that he thinks physically that I am cute...ofcourse I was blushing the whole way and I had a crush on him..that was only a crush...just a tad bit of a crush...that wasnt liking him. I didnt reply...I Just kept on changing the subject or to distract in away possible...I am just afraid.

I know this doesnt mean that he wants to commit....but, I am just afraid...I wanted a guy to like me...here it is...but, now ive chickened out...*sigh....

S-Q and its cons

hey blog, I am writing here today to tell you how much I am TIRED of S-Q. This is what its like taking the meds every single day. I doze off, dreaming of weird things (mostly nightmares),sometimes I dream of doing things that I should do the next day like doing my assignments, as in literally doing it in my dreams and when I wake up,my assignments arent done at all...and this definitely SUCKS! This has happened a couple of times before, there was this one time dreamt of bathing and walking to the bus stop to go to class...but, the reality is that I was still sleeping on my bed. Nice dream huh...and I ended up being late to class.

Some other things that I hate about being on meds is having to wake up feeling sleepy. I wake up and I feel really sleepy, this happens every time I wake up. If I don't take my meds, I can't sleep, I'd be awake the whole time. S-Q would make people gain alot of weight, therefore, I try to eat at a modest amount even though I feel hungry alot sometimes. I would try to go exercise as much as I can. I would feel empty and alone if I dont go out. It is because of my meds I feel numb most of the time, sometimes, I just feel blank, and thats it. So far, I think Im doing better than the first few months that I took S-Q. I am a sloth partly because of S-Q, yes, I was lazy before, but, not THIS lazy. I am not lying, this is honest.

a burden

Good morning!! Well, here I am at home,feeling rather slow and mellow. I feel quite emotional today and what triggered it is probably a typical hormonal problem women suffer every month. I was quite mad at myself, why? you may ask. I just realized that I am incapable of taking care of myself, at all. This saddens me, as my dream is to travel alone, I would have to do things that will not have the involvement of any of my family members nor close friends.

I went out and slept over somewhere at my friends place, my dad, had specifically told my dear friend to take care of me. Indeed she did with the help of my other friend. My problem is that I take myself and my things for granted I think,because, I can't be that daft as to forget the valuable things such as phones and wallet every single damn time(mind you). I am suddenly thinking of the daily routines that I always do, I would forget where I put the simplest things, this definitely scares me. To anyone who is reading this, you might think that I am being overreacting or over dramatic,but, the truth of it all is that I am scared. I am 20 years old, I can't remember the simplest things in my daily life, my parents wont always be here to support me, and my sisters have their own lives to attend to.

Yes, I have to admit, I am quite fortunate to have such caring family and friends and yes, there is a but, I can't always be dependent to them or anyone at all. I can survive alone, in cyber, and also when I go about in KL,but, what if I were to be in Australia next year, would I be able to take care of myself? Cyber isn't far at all, its barely half an hour from home, calling wouldnt be a problem at all. The truth, I dont like to be a burden to people, I feel guilty when I can't drive (which is why I prefer taking public transport), guilty for my friends that have to bear with me forgetting valuable things, guilty that my dad has to tell people at the age of 20 to take care of me. I feel useless as to my being of growing up. I need to do something about this, I can't keep forgetting. I hate being a burden to anyone.

changes

I just found out that next semester would be VERY VERY different from past semesters. This time, IT WILL BE.


1.My friend naz will bring his wife to malaysia,this means, we wont be hanging around with him like we usually do,but, we can try to make his wife to like us.

2. Andrew would be living in Mont Kiara, therefore, we wont see him anywhere in cyber anymore,well,he'd visit,but, it wont be the same.

3. Due to the fact that naz's wife is staying here, adeline wont be around cyber

4. Bibo,Umi,Along,Atika etc. they are doing their internship..and would be graduating...so,I wont be seing them either..

5. I just realize that I was saying "we" alot..by "we" meaning who?....I think it would just be me and fafa...

6. Housemate has a new bf so, I think she'd be quite busy too

7. I have a new Maldivian housemate...hope she'd be nice!

Thats it! *sigh* changes make me scared

FB and its applications

I am addicted to facebook games...There's Restaurant city,petsociety,sorrority life,happy farm....*sigh* I'd say thank god for fb and its quiz and game applications, the truth, I never liked fb before this. I never thought that i'd fill most of my time with it. Watched half blood prince, it was pretty cool,but, its just not the same, I mean, they changed alot of things.

Alright,I don't know why,but,when I was in a relationship with my ex, afew guys i like came to me and told me they liked me, I rejected. Now that I am single...no one came!! this is saad....*sigh* Oh well, nevermind, I think I regret now that I was being too faithful. No more being faithful...hehe....again...thank you. for....reading...tralala

MORNING WORLD

Dearest blog,
If I keep on sleeping at this hour I would end up looking like an old hag. I would get wrinkles even before I reach 30! Alright, calm down nabila you're being paranoid. *sigh* Alright, I love you world and I love you life! It is wednesday 5.36 am in the damn morning, and I am suppose to be optimistic (atleast Id try). MORNING WORLD!!! hugs and kisses to all of you (well, I do like to hug people alot...sorry if I annoy you guys with the hugs...)

out of the norm

A person who is suffering from insomnia and bipolar writing in front of her laptop can be (in my own opinion) ghastly,peculiar, strange or in a more positive manner I would say it "unique". I am not sure why, but, staying at home watching my sisters,my parents and I, I can't help but to realize that my sisters and I are different. Yes, the three of us have our own opinion and we sometimes bicker non-stop,but, we are..I'd say VERY different from the society (well, at least, from what I know...I think this is true or I might be delusional). Where am I getting to from writing about my family? Hmph, I do not know, lets see how long I would type this time ,I would let the mind and hand do all the bragging.

*sigh* This is why I am writing, I was flipping the channels in astro and out of I dont know...20-30 or more channels, I can't find a decent program to watch. Sleeping, would be somewhat a task, well, not when I gorge down my bestfriend S-Q,I'd sleep for hours and have weird dreams or maybe nightmares (ones that would make me talk while I sleep and for others it would be more of an eerie experience).

In front of me, would be ofcourse my white laptop,but, the thing infront of my laptop would be a fan blowing through my face. Wind and breeze is another weird fact about me that I like. There would be a slight feeling of joy and freedom whenever my friends drive and the wind blows through my face...dont ask me why...I just love it. Alot of people have their own weird side, I just show it more, maybe , most of you just like to keep it to yourselves. Oh well, I think I better stop bragging now. Thank you blog for letting me have this opportunity to talk crap all these while, you never ran away even if what I say never made any sense or hurtful. Alright..goodmorning...good afternoon ...good evening.... and good night

shivered cold soul

As I walked through the moonlight street,
I shivered, cold sweats pouring down,
they who I see, beautiful and together,
i stood with the empty boxes,
huffing and puffing as I was tired,
seeing them made me reminisce,
could it be that it was reality,
dreams do not have prove,
it would not stain or bruise,
but,the stain nor the bruise hurts any longer,,
immune to the pain,

I am ready to go back to the streets,
where all kinds of people meet,
lights glimmering with music and noise combined,
overwhelmed and afraid,
I created a brick wall in front of me,
but,it is not strong enough,
as I need to build something stronger.

the ungrateful complaints

Things have not been as good, yes, I have been going out,but, with people I am not that close too, it feels different. I miss hanging out with my usual friends. Havent been sleeping properly and my parents have been giving me limited curfews lately. I have been jogging,but, I still have not lost any weight, I have been the same since the past 2 months. Yes, I sound like I am complaining, but, its so frustrating to exercise and not have any satisfying result. My goal is to atleast do proper chinups, but, I still can't do it. alright i am doing my complain list. I better warn you if you don't like complaints, please don't read this alright.So, here goes :

1. I think I am loosing my close friends , I don't know why,maybe its just a feeling,maybe I am being paranoid,but, I hope its not true...

2. I am tired of fighting for my freedom. Yes, I know they care for me....it would be endless to bicker with them, because I have my opinion and they have their own.

3. I dont know where my goal of being fit is heading. Exercising everyday, yes, maybe it hasn't been enough. I need to go jog more rounds and not walk.....about the chin ups, maybe I just need to do other stuff...

4. I am not sure if I want a boyfriend,but, I somehow feel like having someone who understands me and someone(a guy) who I can talk to properly with me. I don't think I have seen the right person yet. I guess I am just being too picky. The guys I like don't even like me back,so, whats the point there. Guys are good to be friends with...I just like being friends with them, thats it I guess.

5. My sleeping habit is a goner. I can't seem to have the right timing to sleep, it would always be really late.

6. I want to do so many things, but, I have done nothing. I want to travel,sky dive,scuba dive,help orphans,do charity work...but, NOTHING,NOTHING has been done AT ALL.

7. driving license?...I don't think I know what that is anymore.

8. What about my latest hobby addiction...climbing....hmph...if I can't do chin ups...whats the point of climbing?...I can't even boulder properly....I traverse 30 holds and my hands get pumped. Not to mention dyno...I can't dyno for nuts! The new shoes hurt like hell and its making my feet sore,but, hey, thats how its suppose to be.

9. I found out that I have no talent what so ever. I thought I could at least play music by ear...haha...right! very wrong.I can only play my right hand well....

10. About my studies...God! I am just doing this to get a degree...I dont think I have the flare and I am just too plain lazy! What am I kidding...graphic design?....I do all my work last minute all the time...

11. I am tired of being the person who is laughed at not laughed with...I am always teased....but when I tease the person back...the person would get hurt...why?....

I made a conclusion....I think I am failure.....I can't keep friends right...I can't have good results.....no talent....and I have ALOT of crushes and NONE of them have come to me and ask me out....well, atleast not for a date....

second week

This is the second week of my holiday,yes, I have been going out, yes, it has been an alright 2 weeks. I have not been working, its a friggin one month holiday, therefore, I can't work. I want the money for all the adrenaline activities,but, I guess, I'd have to wait for awhile. Saw the crush just now at ss2 with his SK friends...or probably that was his twin, hmph...his hair was quite long...I think that was his twin! oh well, I wanted to see his face all this while and I got it! thank you god! hahahaha...damn! I am saaad! oh well, everybody has its flaws and I know I have thousands of flaws. I think if I am a house,i'd be one of those rotten home with plenty of holes and very messy,maybe stinky too.

confused heart

What is this that I feel,
crammed up in my stomach churning,
the bass of the music keep beating in my heart,
i feel short of breathe,
seeing you made me confused.

But, its unlikely,
you saw me in the mist,
we met in a different world,
could it be that you feel the same.

Am I just a fool for myself,
are you just playing with my mind,
but,why? why now?
has somebody took out the blinds,
or are you replacing your lost heart.

Enough blades stabbed,
enough stones thrown,
i am afraid now,
I shiver when lions come to hunt,
so, I hide thinking I am protected

first week of holiday

Assignments are all done. I think I feel abit relieved, I have been playing L4D with friends and I think I am addicted to it again. Since there is no progress at all with both of the climbing dudes and I have no interest at all with my self absorbed scandal. I met another person, I like him,but, I need to talk to him more and get to know him more. I can't really judge how he is now really, I just need to see his personality in an in depth manner. This time, he does not have long hair,no squinty eyes, not fair,but, he is laid back and he speaks necessarily and he makes sense when he talks, which is good. I guess thats about it.

I have been trying my best to get my friends go climb with me because I do not have any stable climbing partner. Having a climbing buddy would definitely help,but, everyone just thinks I am boasting about it. Hmph, nevermind, I guess I'd just have to try to let them say they want to in their own free will.

the himbo that he is

This is what I think about you (my friend also one day scandal). I think you are good looking...that...I have to admit,but, the sad part is that you do not have any brains. The characters you have would be bland, you are the kind of guy that I would call a "himbo" (a male version of bimbo), you think highly of yourself and you know that you are good looking. When one or two girls don't wanna talk to you, you'd say really bad things about her,just because she does not want to talk to you. I pity you sometimes, but, hey, you can't have everything...although I think your brother is perfect. I know you want alot of girls around you and I only agreed to be your so called scandal because I think you're good looking..scrawny...but alright.
I do not care if you have a million friends in your facebook. I do not care if thousands of girls like you. I just wanted company. Although, you are quite selfish, you should feel ashamed of yourself. Why? haha...if you're reading...I think you'd know why. The first judgement would be, you're cool and you can be carefree like myself,but, when someone starts to talk to you, you do care about your friends looks, you do care about the fact that you'd have to be the center of attention. Oh men or for you maybe I should say boys, they are sometimes funny. Even though I can see all of your negative side, thanks for the cuddles,thanks for making my week up,now my housemate,adeline and I can have laughs and also coming to see me.

Putrajaya gym and stupid peple

I have to finish my work ASAP.I need and want to climb badly!!! The need is there! A friend told me that putrajaya is opening a new climbing gym,it would be the largest in the world...im not sure about it...but i hope its true...i dont have to go so far. Yesterday,fafa and I was stalked by a couple of african american dudes. Stupid people!

the guy in my dreams

I had a dream today. I dreamed that Ive a boyfriend.... I was sleeping and he woke me up and told me to bath (not with him),but,because we were suppose to go for a road trip. He carried me,because I could not get up. He had a long curly hair,quite fair, squinty eyes and has a whole lot of personality. Too perfect to be true huh. I also saw a set of drums in his house. aaah! what a dream. I didnt want to wake up but my friend went into the bathroom so, I startled. I also did a quiz...it says there "why are you still single?" and the answer to my quiz would be that I am a loser because I am in one. Since when?! Yeah, I am in one in my dreams, not real life. I wish it was real, I'd be really really happy if it was.
I know I wont probably get what I want in a guy,but, it would be really cool if I'd get someone to travel with. To do all my adrenaline adventure with. My semester is ending, so, my aim is to climb as much as possible and also to travel (not with family) but probably with friends. I might be working because I would need the extra money.

incubus- i miss you

I still love this song!!!

intemedated men

It is 10.40 am and I havent been sleeping at all since yesterday. I do that alot, waste my time and not sleep...assignments?...hmmph...whats that? maybe I should try find the meaning somewhere else and fail the subject. I am dissapointing my parents, this is too late to tell them but, I do not have any flare for this. I have passion in other things...I might have passion in culinary,no, I do not cook at home but I sure read alot of Anthony Bordain, have read his book for the 6th time,both kitchen confidential and the nasty bits...well, Ive read nasty bits only ones. No doubt about adventure and doing the extreme...thats the real passion that I am in.

I had a talk with a guy friend about guys and how they are. He said that most men are intemedated by women who are smarter than them. He said they prefer women who has good looks and dumb. I am not saying that I am smart,but, lets say if I know quite assumption of facts do I just keep quiet? He said yeah because men like to feed women those things and if the girl/woman knows more than them, they'd feel challenged and they wont feel like a man anymore. Than I think "wow...I should stop doing what I always do, and not be myself and make myself be like a bimbo...maybe just maybe guys might like me than".

My upstairs neighbour is very annoying...they party 2 days in a row and make really really huge noises that make me toss and turn because the bass of their music is too too loud and it doesnt stop till atleast 4 o'clock in the evening. Its soooo annoying!!!

dan osman

No rope..this guy is out of his mind...unfortunately he is dead,but this is crazy!!!

climb session with cousins

I went climbing with my cousins today. It was fun, I learned new things from them. My cousin told me not to use my arms too much. She said that I need to use alot of my toes and legs. So, she taught me over and over and over and over again. Her german fiance said that by the way I climb he can see that Im lazy....hahaha...I am. So, my cousin said the same thing "hish,malasnyaa dia ni...try lagi sampai dapat..tak dapat tak boleh move on to the next section". Well, it worked,my hand does not hurt that much. She told me how to shift weights on my legs so that I can reach the holds that are far. It was hard! seriously! I was using easy routes and I could not trust my legs. I kept slipping, I dont know if the rubber on the rented shoes was wearing off or maybe I was just bad at it.

I am glad she was there to drill me, or else my hands would always be pumped. Im not able to move my hands at all after climbing,but after this, I think it would be alright. I would try to do the over hang, but, only after awhile. Over hangs are hard!!!



I want to do soooooooo many things in my life...that I do not know where to start!!! aaaah!

music and me

I woke up really late and now, I am listening to Nirvana, they are the first album that I bought. I was nine and the cashier at the store looked at me and looked at the cassette, he said "Nirvana?..oh ok..". At that time, I think boybands,girlbands and pop culture was all over the music industry,but ofcourse, there was alternative,but, I think kids my age prefer listening to pop rather than alternative. Simply because alternative is full of angst and the lyrics are rather depressing. Maybe, that is why I grew up as a depressed teenager,listening to RHCP,Rage against the machine, not to forget eminem (its not alternative but it is still angsty).

I remember that when I was at the age of 11, when hiphop started building up. I bought eminem. My mom heard the music and she threw away my cd. She said that it was full of vulgar words, it was actually quite true,but, I was angry at her because I bought it with my pocket money. My cousin bought me another one, because , I was sad that it was thrown. That was when I started to be rebellious with my family. When we sent my sister to Cambridge, we stayed at my second cousin's house in London for afew weeks. I bought Mase, a hiphop artist who hasnt been in the music business in years,but, he has quite a selection of music. I played it on my walkman, I was at the double decker bus upstairs, and it felt so good. The breeze, the music, it was at night,so, I felt quite free.

From there, I started to do the same thing with my ipod until today. Time stops and if I were to wait for a bus with the music on, I do not really feel time moving that slow. I think with music, you can judge people, you can see how their perception in life are. It is meant to be loved.

Adrenaline

Besides traveling and going backpacking,the things I'd REEEAALLLY want to do in life includes things that has adrenaline rushes. Not just roller coaster rides,I want to keep it real. I want to live with the nature,for me, I think it is how you meet and get to know mother nature. Here is the list :

a.Climb All Malaysian Rocks (I do not think I am into competitions,but I want to go out and experience new rocks)
b.Sky Diving
c.Water Rafting
d. Scuba Diving
e. Surfing
f.Bungee Jumping

Gosh, I need money for all these things. It is time for me to save!! SAVE!!!!
Its all about pushing it to the limit. Ones I have done these things, Id be satisfied, its more about doing it for myself. What I have been wanting to do. I remember going to New Zealand...wanting to go Bungee Jump,it was either too expensive or my parents just could not see me jumping,but until today, I want to do it. Until today, I still regret that I did not go bungee jump. So,now, I want to keep the money, and have all the adrenaline that I want to have.

Presentation

I had my presentation, I havent been sleeping in days,it is 1.30am and I still can't sleep! The presentation was not as bad as I expected. I was nervous, so, I was basically trying to practice, it was all smooth when I was talking to myself aloud,but, when I started presenting, I was so nervous, I could hear my voice shaking. Nonetheless, it was all good, even though I could have done better,but, hey! its not the final year, I still have plenty of presentations and assignments to go! Not sleeping is part of it!!! I WANT SLEEEEP!!!! seriously!!!!!

i am not suppose to blog

I have presentation tomorrow, and I have to say that I AM NOT READY at all!! To say that i will fail is an understatement. Alright, maybe I am exaggerating. My head has been really slow and I have tons of assignments,but, yet again, I still feel like going climbing. Gosh, I am addicted to it!!! Anything that is addictive is bad says my friend,but, it makes me happy. For the first time I do not care if someone says I suck at it. I do not even care if people like the climbers of seri kembangan say bad things about me,due to some incident. Although, I really really want my cousins who are also climbers climb together. I think it would be really cool having "The Said Climbing team" hahaha..... I am not sure though if my sister can stand my cousins, one of them can be quite selfish.

the grass is much greener on the other side?...really?...i dont think so

Grass,is it really greener on the other side? What I really want to know is that, if I move, would I be happier? I am not unhappy now, I just miss having a person around to cuddle with. I do appreciate my alone time, I do like being single,but, the emptiness would come ones in awhile and there you go again,*boom*... the past.. and the feeling of wanting a guy. I can't wait for me to grow out of it, I can't wait for me and my ex to be friends again,in the mean time, we can't. I have to admit,seeing friends with significant others does make me jealous sometimes,but, I am happy for them. Having romantic nights, just walking, talking ,having chemistry...its all great experience.

This is random,but I hate Akon,Akon the hiphop singer, I think he has a distinct annoying weird voice. I really dont know how people can love him as an artist. After 5 semesters in Lim Kok Wing, I have suddenly become quite racist with africans and arabs. I think most of them are dodgy or sleazy or maybe both. LKW is like a third world country trap,on your way to class (if you're a girl) you'd realize an african guy looking at you like you just flash your boobs infront of him, they'd actually follow you around and ask for your number. The trick is, never to look at them AT ALL, ones you accidentally look at them into the eye,thats it,its either he is going to follow you all the way home/college or he'd force you to give you your number. I mean, I am flattered that you think women are in general gorgeous,but, not all of us wants you to stalk us, personally,most of us think its creepy.

What can I say about the college that I am in. I have been sitting at the plaza sometimes alone,looking at people, at times I would judge,most of the time, I would be blank,but, the people in it always intrigues me. The things people wear sometimes makes me laugh,coats, in cyberjaya,fluffy fru fru boots when its melting hot. Half a tube, flashing out boobs while there are plenty of horny bastards around (forgive my language,but,I am not telling you to read my blog,I am just writing out of my free will). I personally do not know why I dress up to college when I know its just cyberjaya, I mean, its in the middle of no where and you are going to class wearing your best to see the lecturer..hmph...after class where do you go? probably eat in streetmall? haha..and go home...so, all that dressing up is for? *blank *blank *blank I just dont get why we cant just wear a tshirt and a pair of jeans or shorts...but, people who dont care about their appearance would get less attention...because thats just how things work.

surprise birthday thank you

I would like to say thank you to my beloved parents,sister,aunty,cousins and friends for the surprise. I was REALLY surprised...honestly! Especially my mom, I know she planned this awhile ago and I know it wasnt easy because I have planned a surprise party ones too. heheh...

I can't sleep,I think Im still sick. I had a high fever right after the surprise party, I think it was more of a fatigue. I dont have a boyfriend,but, I think my mind has replaced it with this whole climbing sport. I feel like climbing atleast 3 times a week. I am still not really good at it,but, I am getting better. Plus, I dont have any crush on anyone anymore. No more liking one of the twin dude...no more liking anyone in camp5...nope..I am just totally inlove with the sport and when I am inlove with something I wont stop talking about it....I'd like to say sorry to my close friends because you've to hear me blab about climbing all the time...lalala

deleting "friends"

I seriously feel like climbing!! NOW!!! My head is filled with nonsense....plus, I don't feel like talking to anyone at all. I am avoiding my climbing friends,but, I want to go there now,alone or maybe with some friends that I already know. I was suppose to go to gua musang with them,but I had a wedding to attend,but, I think I learned the hard way that I am not suppose to be friend the climbing dudes and afew girls. Oh well, I have passion for climbing and I really want to be good at it, regardless.

part 2

I found out more about you from my sister..hehe...I saw you again afew days ago,looking as gorgeous as ever. Spectacles,long hair with squinty eyes...I could have sworn I could feel my hands turned into cold eyes. I went to the counter,you said "hey,how are you? dah makn dah?" I said "fine...belum...you dah makan?". It took him awhile to reply he stopped and looked at me with a very blur face and said "ouh..err..belum" I said "lambatnya reply". Had afew more incidents where we talked,but, again you were busy,but,not as busy as last week. I think you're brilliant with kids.

* its taking along time to load this restaurant city thing

selfish cousin

Just got back from my cousins wedding from being her "dayang" other words "minah dulang". I don't mind, I feel that I have to do something as I am her cousin and my other cousins are useless. One of them came early and wanted iron,asked the brides mother and brother for iron while they busy. Sellfish! I just realized how inconsiderate and selfish my cousins on my dad's side can be. Yeah, I saw a girl that I climbed with there, and other climber girls as the brides sister and brother climbs alot.

I was suppose to go with he selfish cousin,but she gave me a whole book of story. I was quite angry because I have done alot for her and so have my parents. It was just a lift and just on the way. I am so angry at her I felt like slapping her face when she was there,but she's my cousin.*sigh* nevermind

from marry poppins

*something I want to say to you but,I do not dare give you but im just writing it for fun

Hey there, I saw you today being busy as usual. A bunch of people from some international school I assume, came in, so, I saw you comanding people not to do this and that, giving all the rules etc. I think you look good today especially with your spectacles and half of your hair tied up. I went to camp5 with my friends, and you stood next to me for quite a long time eventhough you were busy. We didn't really get to talk today, as you had to teach ALOT of people,you were going here and there nonstop.

I could hear your deep voice from afar. I think its cute that you're teaching alot of kids. I was tired when you told me to have my last climb, which is part of the reason why I gave up half way,my hands were shivering,it was from my sweaty palms when you're there and the fact that I was there for hours made sense. I think at some point you said something to me,but, I didnt pay any attention at all because I was nervous whenever I am around you. That's about it.

Sincerely,
Marry Poppins

to my parents

To my parents...please stop reading my blog...please..hish...

Batu caves atlast!

I went on climbing with my friends at gua damai. Nobody took my picture, have no evidence,but, I did it!!!! My friend had her boyfriend taking all the pictures for her. I was the first one to go, so, I was REALLY nervous. I went bouldering just for awhile...since bouldering consist of no ropes, I was afraid that id fall and my head would crash, so, i did just 2 meters or 3 hahahaha......mungkin tak sampai kot.

After awhile, my friend said,nabila take a harnest...its your turn. I was excited and scared. This is not the wall in camp5 this is the real deal. My twin friend, belayed me, they kept shoouting "kiri2 kanan2 bawah2... " when i was about to reach the spot where im suppose to....about afew meters height i was getting really exhausted, my legs were shaking like mad! actually my whole body was shaking because i was damn afraid! I kept saying "penat ah! pancit!" they kept saying "sikit je lagi..afew steps je"
but i was really happy when i reached on the spot! I climbed twice...at different areas,seems that the second one was ALOT easier than the first.

holiday gone ...hello wavy haired guy

My one week holiday is over and I have been unproductive for my assignments. I hope I would be alright, ofcourse I would be tensed as usual as I have my whole week free and doing it for a day or two. I smell sleepless nights ahead. Yes, it is all my fault, because to me, a holiday is a holiday. It is time to get back on my feet again. I think I have to stop stalking the wavy haired guy for now. I found out his name, he talked to me, found out that he turns up to be a fine guy,but, I should just stop there. I don't think I have that big of confidence as he has plenty of hot girls around him. Meaning, I doubt that he'd like me as much as I like him,but, I think there's still room for friendship. He is a really fun guy, so, I bet if we're friends we'd do ALOT of things together.
He is everything I want in a guy :

a. Responsible (check)
b. Loves kids (check)
c. Hot body (check)
d. good taste in music (check)
e. funny (check)
f. carefree (check)
g. unpredictable (check)
h. good taste in wardrobe (check)
i. can teach (check)
j. good taste in movies (check)


list goes on and on.........

and no, i am not inlove with him just yet...i just like him...im moving on! isn't that good for myself? if you dont, i still think its good for me. I see my ex as abit of a loser now...lalala...compared to this guy that is

Painting

I was bored,so,I decided to paint

The punch

Sometimes I really feel like punching your face as in literally. Thats about it.

Jason Mraz and first kiss

Yes, I havent been blogging for nearly a month, so, it is obvious that alot of things happened. My parents have gone off to Egypt and I am back in Cyber, after all the guilty pleasure it was back to my daily routine as a student. The 4th of March, was the day when Jason Mraz came to Malaysia. I had a blast, but, my attempt to remind him that my sister was on stage with him was lost in the air. It was a last minute thing, and I am glad I went. Moving on.



I had my first kiss after afew months the other day. He is my current ex's ex room mate, and it was rather shocking. We were catching up, because we havent had any conversation since he found out I was with his ex room mate. Sitting down, he suddenly said that he liked me. I ignored, and continued the conversation. While I was talking, he later gave me a surprise kiss. I pushed him away, and said what was that for, and he said "sorry, I could not resist you". I than pretend nothing happened, so, I changed the topic and we talked again. After awhile, he kissed me for the second time, and wow we kissed for the longest time. After I realized what we were doing is unethical, I stopped him, so, he said "sorry again" and said " hey, at least, it helps you to forget about awi" he looked down and to my face and said " I don't know how awi can leave you...it must be hard,because i think it would be hard for me ". I took it as both a compliment and just a sweet talk. I do have abit of a crush on him, he is good looking, quite charming, but, he is blend. Not really my type.

Today, my first day alone in Camp5....it was rather awkward as I am used to having my sister around. I did not say much to anyone, I just kept on climbing the auto belay and my arms were weak,so, half way on each wall is what i could do. The curly haired guy was there, I think he noticed me giggle when he was teaching the little kids climbing. He was damn adddoooooorrrable! Every time I go to Camp 5, he would be teaching the kids. Long wavy haired guy + kids = nabila melting. Well, ofcourse I did not say a damn word to him. He smiled, and I smiled at each other...I think thats about it. Nah, I was just lying to you...we didnt even smile together, but, we did kind of ate dinner together.

He sat on the table right behind me in the cafeteria and the kids there just LOVED him. Again, because kids can be funny at times, I giggled. I really really like it when he talks. His voice gets deep and he sounds like a stoner,but, its impossible to be stoned and teaching kids to climb. The only contact we had the whole damn day is when I struggled to get on to the auto belay. He pulled down the rope for me and I said thank you. He spoke to Raimy...why can't he speak to me!!!!! Me!!!!! I didnt see Raimy today, I guess he went home early and I was too late to catch him. If he was there I would have a climbing partner,but too bad nabila!

Next, is where the bad part of the story starts coming out. I went home with the bus, as usual, I had to wait for about one and a half hours. The bus was full, so, I had to stand. When I reached Kelana Jaya station, another creepy guy asked me questions where I quickly ran to the train. As I reached Paramount, it started drizzling, but, I thought I could make it home if I walked really fast. I was totally wrong, half way back, the rain started pouring like it was against me. I had no where to go as a shade, so, I had to stand somewhere near the Madrasah being soaked.

february the 14th

February the 14th, a day which most people with significant others would spend romantic outings together. I have to admit, even if I think it is overrated, how I wish it was last year. How I wish I could turn back time and love a person again. It is quite depressing to see others holding hands,getting special attention from the significant other. Oh, again, I am not being grateful. I am not fully cured...I still think about him, especially during valentines day. Yeah, it is pathetic! Very pathetic! It has been months!!!! fucking months! I don't want to be an old maid having countless cats at home. No! I don't want that. Why does he have to do those things...those stupid romantic sweet things! I cant forget!! I might sound like a whiny spoilt kid....as much as I really want to....it is damn hard to forget about him.

I tried, tried having a rebound,but, it does not work that way. As much as I thought I was strong physically in climbing, I thought I was strong at heart too. I thought by now, I am almost there and I was happy for myself just for awhile. Happy that finally! god! finally! I am free to let him go! but, I still look forward to see him online, I would still be happy if I get to talk to him. Id instantly would be a perky daft girl if I see him online. I should not feel happy! no! I am afraid of deleting him from messenger, because I am afraid that Id loose the contact...any contact with him...which I don't want. He has a bloody girlfriend...!!!! argh!


Enough! I went out with my friends, which was quite pleasant. Shareen is going away,so, we decided to gather around. I could not stop laughing as Linda, Kat and Sarah was making jokes, especially in the car. I forgot about him for awhile when I was with them, I am glad that I went out with them. I really am glad.

Pessimistic

I seriously want to get out of this place (malaysia). Why couldn't I just be calm when my ex broke up with me, I'd be nearly gone by now. I really do not know why I feel quite lost, I feel like an expatriate in my own country. I know that it is me who needs to change, I have to admit I am quite annoying. I doubt that anyone close to me would think that it would be pleasant having me around. I am not a good child nor am I a good friend. I have no idea what I am good at,but, I know I must be good at something,despite, all the sinful things in life. Alright, this is the point where I scream my head out silently. I can feel the atmosphere around me, it is full of awkwardness. I thought I am about to find myself,but, the truth is, I am no where near finding me.

I can't sit still at home, meaning, I CANNOT sit at home,even in one day. Why? I hate the fact that my dad nag's all the time, my ear hurts, and it makes me feel very hostile and depressed. I sometimes walk alone, but, when I walk alone I feel empty. Here is the deal, I am NEVER satisfied with anything AT ALL. I do not know how to be grateful. I am damn spoilt, that I know. Without realizing, I do get what I want. I seriously have no purpose in life. I don't even know what I can be, I am just studying so that I can finish my degree and move on to the next level. I thought I can be an artist, I thought I could draw and paint,but, I am wrong about it. I need to stop praising people, but, I really do not know how. I need to stop saying yes to everything, because it would just lead me into trouble.

I constantly think, I never stop thinking,which is why when I walk I don't listen to others because my head has gone to the Lala world. When I think, I wont remember where I put my things because I am friggin forgetful. Nothing is ever right with me, I am always clumsy. I am also very irresponsible. Sometimes, I feel like staying in a bubble so that people won't know who I am because the real me is just ugly. When I complain about other people, I know sometimes its not just the person, I contribute to the situation too alot. I do not want to go to this path again, because this is the path where I would just be down to the ground. I do not know how to be organized because everytime I try to be organized I would end up not being organized at all.
I am easily influenced, because I bloody have to please the whole world. I know I choose to be who I am, but, right now, I do not know how to change. I want to, I really do, I hate who I am. I hate how I turned up to be. If I hate myself how can I expect others to like me. I bloody try to look good,but, its not how I look, its how I present myself, its my inner-self. If I bloody have to be friggin pessimistic all the time. How can I succeed in life. Argh! I think from now I should just lay low until I am totally stable.

My grandma Fatimah

This picture right here is my grandmother, she has passed away for long,but , I still remember her. Notice how stern she looks. Ofcourse I adore both of my grandmothers,they are both strong and charismatic. No words can say what she did to my family, she has absolute woman power. I just would like to write about her because I need to remind myself that being strong is part of my blood. Her name is Fatimah, I do not know when she was born,because I forgot.She's not pure malay,nyonya is what she is. She is a mother to my father, and she gave birth to seven children. Why I think her character is important to me is because, she is the first wife of four. My late grandfather had four wives and among the other three wives he had 5 to 6 more children.

My grandmother took care of some of the children that was not really hers. She just could not care less about my grandfather and went on with her life. She raised the kids by selling currypuff, mee, etc. When she knew she had little money she went to the pawn shop to sell off her gold accessories for her kids to study. I know this might sound familiar to some of you guys,but, it matters for me now, because while i was wallowing about my ex, I should remember that my grandmother would feel disappointed of me when she sees me cry about a guy. What I heard from my cousins is that my grandmother burnt all of my grandfathers pictures. I have never seen my grandfather before,he passed away even before I was born.

When my eldest sister was still in MRSM,Muar, I remember her telling my sister "bila orang politik datang untuk bagi ceramah,jangan dengar,cakap nak kena pergi tandas,tak tahan" which means "when any of the politician comes , do not listen, tell them that you need to go to the loo, tell them you cant hold it in anymore". She never trusts politicians, she had experience with all of them back when she was one of the head of Putri UMNO.She quit because too much of corruption was coming in, well not as much as now, but, still back than, it was coming in already. I think from now, I would have to remember how her reaction would be like if she sees me being weak. Her eyes would be wide, and her lips would be tucked inside her mouth as it is she looks like a mafia in this picture. She is a fun grandmother, I played congkak with her when I was small, she's very supersticious and conservative,but, she really knows how to spoil her grandchildren.

psychotic behavior = shrink

Another entry that consist of words with no pictures. My blog is my soft diary, I write things about feelings,addiction,grief etc. more of a therapy I think. Rather than talking to a shrink that would just write (god knows what) and pouring out my parents money like its some kind of water. I wonder what my shrink writes about me in her file, because it seems like she writes alot when I talk. Probably within the lines of "this girl, is a pain in the arse! nevermind as long as her father pays me and I give her advice that her own friends can tell her,it would be fine". It must be good being a shrink, you learn medic for years and all you do now is listening to psychotic people,asking them questions,tell them that they have problems such as "hey, you have bipolar", give them heavy drugs so they can be more miserable, they come to you more often and get hundreds out of only one patient.

I wonder now, how sane is sane? I question sanity almost every time I have an appointment with the shrink. I look at people and they seem normal, but, no one is really normal, not really,no. Notice how we can walk in a city full of people and identify crazy homeless people in the streets. That person, that we think is crazy, shouting his lungs out, talking to himself, I give credit to who ever the person is,why you may ask? well, probably because he/she dares to do so, without being ashamed. I bet most people would love doing so, but, it is just not proper and yes, people would say things. Why do we care anyway? what is in the publics mind and concious that bothers people who screams and talks to themselves at the streets. My opinion, I think everyone has a psychological problem. When I say everyone, I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE of us.

lalalla...weddy?...fairygal?

My cousin is getting married this coming May first,that would be labor day. I got a message from her on facebook, I have to admit, I am quite disturbed by how she talks. She is my cousin,but, I am sorry she speaks like she's talking to a 3 year old,now, I am not sure if this woman is getting married or still stuck in her fairy tale land, thinking that marriage is probably her dream and that people do not get divorced (knock on wood) but, gosh! wake up wommon! I am not that close to her, never was. I know I am close to most,but, not this one. Gosh I hope she does not know that my blog exist! I would feel guilty,but, I still cant help it.

I am not going to go into detail on how the message went because it is long and it gave me chills, I am however going to tell you how she talks in the message. She said she needs couzy couzy helpy for her weddy.....I am not 5 and she wants me to be her fairygal? I seriously do not understand baby talk, in here she said fairygal is the modern way of saying hantaran girl. Hmph, "fairygal" and "hantaran girl" ??????sjkhisehfkejdjhgsfjdhsfjhzsdjasgjsehglfjkglkdf what?!

wall climbing

Alright, this whole climbing thing is REAALLY REAALLY addictive, you just one to achieve one thing after another and another,plus, when you've reach the top, you feel as though you've accomplished something in your life. Even if you see little kids climbing faster than you and climbing 6a and 6b(grade of hardness of wall to climb) at the age of 9, you would still feel good that you are able to climb that far. I am new at this sport, very new indeed,but, I just would like to share my thoughts about this sport.
It is quite dangerous,that I would have to say and agree on, when you are up there you have mixed feelings of anxiousness,scared,surprised,and excitement.

Imagine yourself wanting to go on a roller coaster ride,when you are cueing and waiting for your turn,you feel nervous of how it would be like,but at the same time you want to go and when you are actually at the roller coaster ride. A sudden change of mind, saying that you want to turn back,but, you just cant because you're already there,its all a thrill, ofcourse, but the adrenaline of it all made it worth all the experience. That is how I feel about climbing,only that you have to achieve higher with climbing and also, that it doesnt go as fast as a roller coaster ride. I just wanted you as viewers to know.
Having cuts here and there, bruised, is just one thing that

That reminds me though.Whatever happened to my license! gosh!

stage girl

As I walk upon the stage,
I feel as though I am the only one,
cold and nervous like the beach at night,
sometimes the heart is static,
it beats one at a time, only slowly,
almost as if it does not want to,
when will it go? the thorns,
I put my strength to reach out the above,
gradually, hoping to seek for the better,
praying not to fall as i reach,
being bolder is what I should do.

The big picture of them all

Another post yet to be written by myself. I had to make myself private for awhile as I was afraid that the higher authority in this house has been reading my blog. Well, I do not really have big secrets in here, but, you can never be too careful. A rock climbing session tomorrow with my sister again,hopefully this time i can climb on the auto belay section without having any fear at all. I somehow feel like a ghost waiting to arise from the dead. Maybe its the left4dead game,it might not be left4dead,but, somehow, I need to stop being so tiny.

I have so many things to say that I do not know where to begin. About the ex, it has been approximately a week and 2 hours since the last time I called him and could not get through. I gave him a weird message in the end, until, friends realized I was acting all cuckoo in the small room. I am just glad I have the set of friends I have at the moment, even if they make fun of me, but, hey, I know they're just playing. I would rather friends who say things infront than at the back. Since my cousins are all busy, I have not have the time to go out with them that much. At the same time, I think its better this way,because they like to ask me questions about my ex sometimes which makes me really uncomfortable.

The boycott nonsense

           I am not trying to interrupt those who think what is right or wrong to them. I just have my own opinion, if you have yours to stick to, than let it be yours, I have my own. Personally, I doubt that by boycotting Jewish products will help the war in Gaza. Why? Well, by boycotting those products do you not think that it would effect our own economy. Think of those who work in the company itself, now, Starbucks, intel, Cocacola, Estee Lauder etc. is not a small company.

    People who work in there and actually need a job are muslims too. So, what if a small amount of muslims decided not to buy their products. Do you not think that they do not have strategy plans to make their company grow, I mean you can never run away from Jewish products. Advertisements everywhere, good advertisements they are like the big brothers of the world, they are companies that never fall no matter how many people you recruit to boycott the company.  People all over the world buy their product and a tiny amount of people would not hurt them at all, even if it does, it would just be a pinch for them. If you make a statistic on how many malaysian muslims work in the company, you would think twice to boycott the big companies. 

     Not only that, maybe our government has some funds/investment of the company itself. So, if all the Jewish companies are gone here in Malaysia, do you think we would get attention from tourists or expatrates, maybe you think we do not need their attention, no, actually we do. Here is the thing, have you ever looked went into a mall and think its dodgy and suddenly starbucks is right at the corner and you just think oh alright this place is alright, why? just because starbucks is there. What about mac donalds? Walk in to a mall, you do not know what to eat, and suddenly you see this really familiar logo and the red and yellow cheerful colour, you instantly feel like eating something from mcdonalds, because everyone knows mcdonalds just like everyone knows cocacola. So, with these so called tools, people would come to our country and think "oh, malaysia is not a backward country after all it has all the main shops, I don't mind coming here again". 

    So, if we can't boycott the companies, what can we do to help as muslims? Well, as muslims, we can't just pray and not do anything about it. I am not saying praying does not help, it does! but, we have to do something right. Well, come to think of it, we have rich muslims around the world. Instead of fighting with each other, we could keep the energy for those in need, but, ofcourse that won't happen. We can also have our own product, and make all muslims buy it, well, not just muslims but everyone all over the world. Try to do what the jews do. If they can do it, why cant we do it too? 

    

The wishes hopefully

It is 4.40 am I can't sleep, all I could think of right now is.... I WISH I WAS PRETTY!!!! I WISH...I had more personality! I wish I was a braniac well not a braniac but more intellectual than I am now. I wish I was more independent. I wish I had a boyfriend who does not give two fucks about my looks and just love me the way I am. I wish I had someone who understands me completely. I wish I had more money. I wish I am not as naive or as blunt. I wish I would not have to think twice about buying clothes all the time. I wish I was thinner. I wish I would not have a big appetite at night. I wish my medication does not make me fat all the time. I wish people should just shush whenever they see me gaining weight. I wish my ex was dead.  I wish I could just stop smoking. I wish some guy had find me interesting and we both fall in love as though we were in lala fairy tale land. 

Langat and CNY

          My friends and I celebrated shareen's birthday at langat on sunday, went back on monday. It was fun, in a get away place of Farid's. Well, at least I did I guess with all the things there. I can't really write about it, the thing I can write about is the fact that I swam almost 3 or 4 times in the cold water. Even at 5 o'clock, well, it was too cold for me that I dunked my body in the water,maybe, it is not called swimming its just me and my fat arse dunking myself in.  After a day not sleeping, I slept in the car.

          Knowing that it is chinese new year, I went to Nic's place. It was jolly!  no, not jolly shandy.We have not seen each other in almost a year. We talked for hours and her parents are very sweet, they still remember us. I was quite sad that chelle could not come, she would spice things up a little.Especially the time Jing became a really good actress and Fizzie and I could not stop laughing our brains out. I practically had a seizure,I could have sworn the saliva kept gashing down my mouth(which was not really pretty at all).The mother came to the room and asked us why, well, I really could not answer,luckily nic was there to tell her mom the whole story. We had a couple of flashbacks in school, about our class teacher such as ogre which I shant say her name. We just call her ogre, because she used to be mean and also big. That reminds me though, I have not taken my SPM slip yet. Dear Nic,Jing and Chelle including miss fizzie...I really miss you bitches, I just realized that Chinese New Year is the only time we get to see each other properly. Its rather sad though, we used to go Curve together all the time, maybe, nearly every weekend. If you guys read this, remember our pack of going to Amsterdam together. This is an update for Chelly, we made a pack in Nic's place, we're going to Amsterdam together in about 5 years time. 

hyped about climbing

       I have started wall climbing with my sister. Apparently, Raimy my sister's long term crush has been going there for 2 months. I did not know that when she invited me to tag along,but, now I know. Well, I am really glad my sister brought me along, I have become addicted to this sport. Somehow, I was afraid that I was not able to climb as the confidence level in myself was quite low,but, when I did it, I was rather surprised at myself and now, I feel like climbing everyday. Well, everyday might be abit too much as climbing takes up your strength and I would be awfully tired. Therefore, maybe I would climb 3 times a week. The people in camp5 are really friendly, I did not feel any tension or sense of competition in any of them, they were all there to help. 

       I think after I master this sport, I would like to follow my cousin to go indonesia or any other place in malaysia to climb. She has been wanting me to go with her for long now, since, she is about to get married, maybe, I can ask her to bring me along. I am sorry, all I can think about now is climbing. Maybe next, I could go back to New Zealand and go water rafting and also bungy jumping. Things that I would love and want to do since I was small, I was sooo close but yet soo far. The only 2 people who prevented me to do all these is obviously my parents. The thing is, danger is everywhere, so, why not experience the extreme. I am actually really glad that I have 2 people to go climbing with, going alone would just be boring. Raimy is really hyped about it, he bought the chalk bag and the climbing shoes as soon as we talked about it. I really hope my sister and Raimy can be together, even though he can't speak malay, my sister no difference, he has an american accent and my sister has a british accent. So, all and all I think somehow, they are meant to be together. 

      

The niece

       

Her curls down her hair falls,

Her face speaks of different emotions,

She jumps as though the heavens sent,

Her determination is as hard as the bricks,

To talk is what is difficult for her,

but, her spirit and giggles lifts others,

the things she does is immortal genius,

even better than the other kids her age,

she opens up my eyes,

mine, who is her aunt,

even if the words she speak is just babbles,

she gives me hope,

her presence is though happiness dropped,

she never complains or cry whenever she has classes,

I know she wants to speak,

I know she gets frustrated if we do not understand,

but, there is something in her mind I cant tell,

until today, I wonder what it is.

I thank god for her.

this is me doing a test

I decided to do this...I have nothing else better to do :D I took this from linda.

The rules:
Bold the statements that are true to you. Italise the statements that you WISH are true. Leave the Fibs alone. Then, stab 5 guys to do the same test.

I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch TV these days.
I own lots of magazines.
I wear glasses or contact lense
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I have been in a threesome.ahahahahahahahahahaha tipu je
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm totally smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really,really fast.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
I enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop then eat. 
I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone. (yeah the one i have right now is m's...thanks!)
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I have tried alcohol before.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
I own the "South Park" movie.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and i like it.
I have dated a close friends's ex.
I am happy at this moment!! 
I'm obsessed with guys
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I can work on a car.
I love my job.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever i can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules. 
I went college out of state.
I like sausage.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell i just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that i work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsesical, the better.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie

I love being happy.

jawa kok

Hey there readers, I have not been writing anything at all since I left for Jogjakarta. The trip was satisfying and I had a great time there. I was lost in my own world, taking pictures of every Javanese and pan-asian alike. The place is rich with character, art and hospitality. What was weird is that the loo was quite clean, I went everywhere and the loo was clean. I wondered for a moment, is our mentality that bad that our toilets can't be clean even in malls. I would post afew pictures here, it would be the same pictures that I have in facebook,but, who cares.

confusing atmosphere

         Yes, I decided to edit my post and write more. I figured I should write about how bad my day started early in the morning (a sign saying I should have just go home and sleep). I woke up at 7 o'clock in the morning had breakfast,bath and went straight to JPJ. On my way there, I had a huge fight with my dad, I was afraid of being the last one as I had to take the camera from cyber with the ex. The ex had to go for an interview at 1 o'clock,so the time was short and we had to rush things. My dad went to the wrong place which made me feel more angry, I told him that he was wrong but he insisted he was right. I called habib and asked for the place, he told me the direction,so, I decided to walk. When I reached the place, my dad was there too waving,now, I was not trying to be imprudent as I already am, but, I felt like a kindergardener being sent by her father. Right after the whole thing with my father was finished,we had to wait for the JPJ dude to come to open the bloody door. Habib was there since 7 am, and he was sick, I felt pity for him I do not know why.

            While we were waiting we saw this chinese guy (alright I did not have to bring up the race thing) alright, local guy to be more general. I assume he is about around 18 this year or maybe 17. He lit up a cigarette while talking to his friends, I did not say he smoked, he just lit it up as though waiting for the ashes to go down. Habib and I were looking at him as we had nothing else to do, as minutes flew, he just puffed ones or twice. So, we were both thinking, what is the point, it was as though he smoked for the sake of being cool. Well, that was just it, he sat beside me in the exam hall, and I do not know why,these people like to ask me for help. First he asked me if I knew the log in number and I said no.Ofcourse not, its not like I work at the bloody place. He than asked me why the computer said his IC number does not exist, I said I have no idea, knowing me, I said try to put your IC number correctly and click Warga negara and I did not  expect him to say thank you,but, atleast have the courtesy to say something. Oh well,some people are just too egoistic I guess.

                I feel really defeated today. I feel that I have lost every single battle that I have encountered. I went to alot of places and woke up pretty early to do things. License, was a goner. I seriously feel like an idiot, its not just the license. The whole thing with the ex is not anywhere. I have been wasting away tears, time, effort for? nothing. Not seing him was a lie, a lie to myself. Not calling him, a lie too. Not to be jealous of his girlfriend is obviously bullocks. How long do I want to lie to myself. How long do I want to say "this is fucking it, I do not fucking care about him anymore". My parents just does not know that I have been contacting him because he changed his number. I even lie to my friends to see him. What am I? I do not want to be this horrible person that I am. This whole holiday I have not achieve anything at all. At all! I wasted everything, all my friggin' energy on him, and yet, he does not come back. I tried every last bit of myself. He gained, yes he gained from me, like he always have. I do not blame my friends for being angry at me as I am angry at myself. 

   

                 I have lost practically 80 percent of my confidence level. I am so insecure now that I do not have the courage to step out of the cocoon of not being with him. The whole us thing has been really really confusing that now, its making my head turn. Now, we love each other but, something is in the way. *slaps self* get a grip...   I need to try to convince my parents that sending me to Perth as soon as possible is legitimate. :D

me me me

           Alright, I know the answer,the person that I am in like or was in like with. He was just a crush, I know now. hihi... I am watching this anime in youtube called nana and I am loving every moment of it. Its like a cartoon version of gossip girls, well, not really, but, its really cool. My wisdom tooth is coming out and its starting to hurt badly! I need listerine,why listerine? just to make it go numb. Friends? don;t u wanna go out with me? I am bored! 

          I am having my license exam again, habib and I failed the first time. This is not me being proud, this is me saying "gosh! I thought I could pass, I thought I was slightly smarter than I am" apparently that is just a thought. I am going to Jogja this friday and I am slightly excited. The down side is that my camera is still in its hospital. Meaning, its still in service, so, all those dreams of taking beautiful scenery is shattered. This is how I feel, I feel like my ex broke up with me for the second time. That is how heart broken I am, well, maybe I may have exaggerate just a tad too much. 

            I wish I could be in a fairytale, I do not have to work and still have plenty of money. All I have to worry is the so called villain that eventually would tell every single evil plan there is. So long that I dont be naive I would be just fine.

         A friend said that I should be putting more pictures in my blog as it is dull. So, I guess, I am putting pictures from my uncles wedding. 

dear

             I found him! I finally found him, turns out I spelled his name wrongly. sheesh, again,trust me to do these lame mistakes. I am not sure if this is just another phase of crush , hormones trying to balancing up or it is actually me finally getting over my ex. I would find out soon. The truth, I had a fight with my ex again. We both are getting tired of it, but, we still fight. I need a big fat punch on the face. I went for a wedding just now,boy, was it hactic. I went all over the place to give eggs and sweets to adults and children. To my surprise the children acted more mature than the adults. 

    

             My family is really crazy and fun. They all have they're mind of they're own, and also very funny. I think most people would notice it if they come to our gathering. First and second cousins alike, we are all very close. I think I am quite lucky in that sense. I need not to worry if friends hate me, I would just go to them and still would have ample of fun. We came back and I wanted to go out with friends,my dad is abit pissed at me about it because I have not been staying home that well. In addition that my friend came to my house just to talk to me later after that. Yeah, he went bombastic...hihi

happy new year

       This is a fresh new year and somehow I think that this year would be more chaotic than last year. Being a year older means that I would be having more responsibility, I stated in my facebook, I am quite nervous about this year actually very nervous indeed. I had a fabulous new years eve celebration. Believe it or not I still cant get that day out of my head. I would like to thank most of it to Linda, M , Fafa, Shareen ,Hayat,Meme,Afique, Fizzie, Yazir ,Iwan, FIr and everyone who was there on that day to make the new year possible. I would also like to say sorry if I have been a total jerk if I did anything wrong to any of you guys,but, I had fun. 

         I have not been updating much recently, have been quite busy with things to run, have been going up and down with people. I am developing a complex within myself,which is really unhealthy. I have been very very irresponsible last year and hopefully not this year. My attempt to quit smoking is somehow working just abit. Recently, I have developed a certain liking towards a person,but, yet again, I did not get any number or whatsoever. I really hope that I am not the only person who feels the same way or it would be such a waste. 

          I think I would expand my views towards art now. Practice drawing, buy more paint since it helps me relax, I do not see why not. I would write more when I have something else to say. I would love to write about the new year,but, too much information would lead to trouble.