confusing atmosphere

         Yes, I decided to edit my post and write more. I figured I should write about how bad my day started early in the morning (a sign saying I should have just go home and sleep). I woke up at 7 o'clock in the morning had breakfast,bath and went straight to JPJ. On my way there, I had a huge fight with my dad, I was afraid of being the last one as I had to take the camera from cyber with the ex. The ex had to go for an interview at 1 o'clock,so the time was short and we had to rush things. My dad went to the wrong place which made me feel more angry, I told him that he was wrong but he insisted he was right. I called habib and asked for the place, he told me the direction,so, I decided to walk. When I reached the place, my dad was there too waving,now, I was not trying to be imprudent as I already am, but, I felt like a kindergardener being sent by her father. Right after the whole thing with my father was finished,we had to wait for the JPJ dude to come to open the bloody door. Habib was there since 7 am, and he was sick, I felt pity for him I do not know why.

            While we were waiting we saw this chinese guy (alright I did not have to bring up the race thing) alright, local guy to be more general. I assume he is about around 18 this year or maybe 17. He lit up a cigarette while talking to his friends, I did not say he smoked, he just lit it up as though waiting for the ashes to go down. Habib and I were looking at him as we had nothing else to do, as minutes flew, he just puffed ones or twice. So, we were both thinking, what is the point, it was as though he smoked for the sake of being cool. Well, that was just it, he sat beside me in the exam hall, and I do not know why,these people like to ask me for help. First he asked me if I knew the log in number and I said no.Ofcourse not, its not like I work at the bloody place. He than asked me why the computer said his IC number does not exist, I said I have no idea, knowing me, I said try to put your IC number correctly and click Warga negara and I did not  expect him to say thank you,but, atleast have the courtesy to say something. Oh well,some people are just too egoistic I guess.

                I feel really defeated today. I feel that I have lost every single battle that I have encountered. I went to alot of places and woke up pretty early to do things. License, was a goner. I seriously feel like an idiot, its not just the license. The whole thing with the ex is not anywhere. I have been wasting away tears, time, effort for? nothing. Not seing him was a lie, a lie to myself. Not calling him, a lie too. Not to be jealous of his girlfriend is obviously bullocks. How long do I want to lie to myself. How long do I want to say "this is fucking it, I do not fucking care about him anymore". My parents just does not know that I have been contacting him because he changed his number. I even lie to my friends to see him. What am I? I do not want to be this horrible person that I am. This whole holiday I have not achieve anything at all. At all! I wasted everything, all my friggin' energy on him, and yet, he does not come back. I tried every last bit of myself. He gained, yes he gained from me, like he always have. I do not blame my friends for being angry at me as I am angry at myself. 

   

                 I have lost practically 80 percent of my confidence level. I am so insecure now that I do not have the courage to step out of the cocoon of not being with him. The whole us thing has been really really confusing that now, its making my head turn. Now, we love each other but, something is in the way. *slaps self* get a grip...   I need to try to convince my parents that sending me to Perth as soon as possible is legitimate. :D