That time of the year

Second day of Raya / Eid. Staring at the blank page that will be filled by myself. The fact of a matter is, it doesn't matter what I write or how many people have read or would even glance of this particular post. Nonetheless, I am writing because it just seem like that moment and time where I think I should. Raya routine is about the same to me, to be frank, this year, I just felt like I wanted to stay at home and just try to reflect on the things that have happened,but, that would be extremely unfair to my family and to myself. My inner bipolar was talking to me again with sloppy negative remarks about myself. It was saying "what are you celebrating? you haven't done anything" or "yeah, it is a festive occasion, but, what did you do that was so great that made you deserve to celebrate?". Rather, it was daunting, I brushed it off when I woke up, because when I went for prayers, I realized that it wasn't about me.

For some people, Eid is the only time they get to see their family or to wear fancy clothes as that is the only day that they get to spend their money. I was being too dismissive, all the self beating up was for nothing. I realized that the world is not within what I wanted or feel and if I didn't celebrate I would be rotten. I see people all the time and get flustered on how they are, but, I have become one of those that I solely have taken a toll on in my brains and I questioned myself. For 25 years my family and I have celebrated this day, why the sudden gloominess, it is not that I don't have a family to celebrate with. I have them, I love them and they love me. They anticipate the day and for myself to be with them, why all the questions? I just had to be happy and appear, that is not a chore, everything is organized.

So, as usual, I went to my grandfather's house (it was always the first and have always been that way even when he was still living 5 minutes away from my house). I haven't seen him in more than a month, during, fasting month, I have been too occupied to drive or to see him, but, when I saw him, everything made sense. His smile when he saw all of us together going into his house, made me forget what I felt, just made me feel as though I was dumb to think of all those earlier.  He is always happy when we gather, there is a certain warmness when we gather as a family. All of that, but, something happened yesterday that broke my heart and at the same time made me exceptionally furious. My cousin and my father had a dispute ( I didn't know exactly what happened) but, all I know in the end was my father was hurt and was partly bleeding. I thank God it wasn't a bad injury, but, I just hate the fact that my cousin could even do that to my dear father and what escalated my anger was the fact that none of the uncles stood by and protect my father. In fact, I was told to ask the other cousin that was there towards the end of what happened. I just couldn't believe that everyone could pretend later that nothing happened. I had to pave through and smile through and swallow the anger. I wish I could be more calm about things but, I can't because what kind of a person hits a 60 year old man.

We had to let it go, but, I posted a couple of things in facebook so that he knows that I don't see him as a cousin, would be childish of me, but, I just wish I could have hit his face with a rock or something (thank God I didn't). Next visit was to the hospital. My uncle (my father's little brother) has been in the hospital for about 3 months and I haven't seen him in about 3 years. I saw him yesterday and I could see that my father was trying to distract himself of the disconsolate feeling that he had. I too felt that at that moment till off today, but, I just don't know what to do. I just tried to make him feel as though we were present to him, but, we haven't been there for years and what kind of position am I to suddenly make his pain all go away. He was sick and depressed, so is his wife because her husband is sick and they have lost a child years ago. I just wish at that moment they would feel at least relief that we were there, but, God only knows.