What I am, What I could be, What I aim to be

 While I was driving back with the window on my side and the passengers side down, I could feel the wind through, flowing as the breeze passing through my face and I could almost smell the freshness of the air. I felt so free, I felt so relaxed. Today was a great day, it is a Sunday, not remembering that tomorrow is yet another stressful Monday. The day of the dragging feet, it is when the blues of working starts and I am not the only one who would feel it. This would be an obvious observation, I do not need statistics to prove what I just said.

Whenever I feel stressed I get overwhelmed, I get anxious, I don't like that about me, but, somehow, I can't help it. Which is why I sometimes blank my head out so that I don't think too much. I frequently do, constantly! People might think that I am unaware and I have air in my head almost all the time, but, in fact, I almost want things to place perfectly that I get frustrated with myself if I don't do it according to how things should be. Hence, the reason why I blank myself out so that I don't have to think of it too too much.

My aim is to be successful, I strive for it. I work extremely hard for it. I REALLY DO! I wouldn't be bothered to stay up all night if not so. I wouldn't be bothered to hog three jobs in a year if I don't. I sometimes like making myself seem as though I don't know anything particularly with friends because they assume that I am just this blur person, but, within the exterior of blankness, there is much thought. I hang around with people with a purpose of knowing people, so that I would get the hands on experience of how each of the people I meet.

Though, I am not that structured, but, I do remember how people treat me, good or bad, I would relate so that I can place that into my environment of work. This might sound crazy, but, I have been doing this for ages, this has been since high school. Believe it or not, I placed drama or made myself involve in drama's in school and college because I knew that I had to handle it when I grew older. I get stressed too fast, therefore, if I have handled the same kind of situation in school, I figured, I can handle it better when I work.

I am not sure how, but, I did purposely did whatever I wanted in school because I knew I wouldn't get the chance to taste whatever youth that I had if I work. This was slightly foolish because I do wish I studied well. Now, I regret slightly, but I don't crave for anymore much youth fun as I did. So, I guess it took effect in a positive way somehow.

I crave of learning. I want to be better, and I want to know more of anything. Anything new, and I have realized now that I don't really much time for it. I somehow feel as though I can get greedy with the knowledge I lack. Part of the reason is that I didn't concentrate all too well at school or college that I felt that I NEED to learn, I want to learn and I HAVE to learn.

Now that I am in the corporate world. It is as confusing as a spiders web and the politics is beyond how I imagined it would be that it scares me. I don't think I am well prepared, I am like a new recruit going to a war without an armor and just blunt knives as a weapon. Every move you make counts, every word you say might be used against you, if you have made a decision you would have to be full on right, if it is the wrong decision, you would honestly get shot, it is either you would be hurt in a slow death or you would die in an instant. That is just an interpretation or metaphor of how I observed and feel as though it is like in the corporate world. Which is why I think I lack knowledge, the skills that I provide is nothing but a pinch of salt placed in the wrong food. Does that make sense? Well, whatever it is, I need to STEP UP!

I go to the gym so that I could feel better of myself. My confidence was so low that I realized that I have to act on it. I need to find accomplishment so that I can stay positive. Sometimes, I feel proud just by dragging my feet to the gym. Its the little things that I realize matters to improve myself internally. I took drumming class so I could feel a certain growth towards music. All these I think is necessary for my career, you might think that it is not related, but, I have bipolar. I need to keep myself at pace so that I keep on moving.

I CANNOT afford to feel sad or depressed because if I feel that way, for a week, I will never go anywhere and I KNOW I can do ALOT of things. I am not just a person people push around. I have SO many things that I am capable of but people just don't see. I just need to try to push harder, strive harder, stay focus, try to be organize and have discipline. If I have all those, I know that by than, I would be successful.

That is that.

Unforgotten memories

My last post would be extremely outdated. Since my mind has been clogged up with a lot of things my mom and sister told me to just write it down and generate things perhaps in writing. I have a blog, therefore it makes sense if I type it down here.

I have been in the bank for a year and 2 months now, and despite having an extremely difficult superior. I have been trying to pace myself with activities outside of work so that I would remain sane. Though, I am grateful that I have a family who cares and pour complete affection towards me. I have to remind myself to remain aware so that I don't pacify myself to them whenever I have problems.

I have met two men that I think I have fallen for. The first was a Malay and it didn't go well, because he said he wanted to stay in the grey area in which I did not really understand. So, I think it would be as that. The second is a German guy who left a few days ago and have given me so much effect in my life that I am trying to collect the good advice he has given me.

We went on a complete 3 days together and while we were there, he was a complete gentleman and with this, I have to say, no man has treated me with such respect before (apart from my dad, grandfather and uncles that is). He came with the utmost responsibility and was a respectable in every way possible. I speak highly now of him because I never thought I would see someone or meet someone who is with that criteria.

We have decided that we can't prolong the relationship as we both need to concentrate on our paths and the negative effects would be more obvious than the positive. He would be the first person who convinced me that I could do anything in this world if I put my mind into it and at the same time thought that I was smart enough. He too told me that I was beautiful just that I didn't have the capabilities to know it myself. Though, we can't be together, I am ultimately grateful that he crossed into my life. He would also be the first man ever to travel 10,000 km just to see me, and that would be as that.



These would be some of the memories that we have of the days we spent together.