Pessimistic

I seriously want to get out of this place (malaysia). Why couldn't I just be calm when my ex broke up with me, I'd be nearly gone by now. I really do not know why I feel quite lost, I feel like an expatriate in my own country. I know that it is me who needs to change, I have to admit I am quite annoying. I doubt that anyone close to me would think that it would be pleasant having me around. I am not a good child nor am I a good friend. I have no idea what I am good at,but, I know I must be good at something,despite, all the sinful things in life. Alright, this is the point where I scream my head out silently. I can feel the atmosphere around me, it is full of awkwardness. I thought I am about to find myself,but, the truth is, I am no where near finding me.

I can't sit still at home, meaning, I CANNOT sit at home,even in one day. Why? I hate the fact that my dad nag's all the time, my ear hurts, and it makes me feel very hostile and depressed. I sometimes walk alone, but, when I walk alone I feel empty. Here is the deal, I am NEVER satisfied with anything AT ALL. I do not know how to be grateful. I am damn spoilt, that I know. Without realizing, I do get what I want. I seriously have no purpose in life. I don't even know what I can be, I am just studying so that I can finish my degree and move on to the next level. I thought I can be an artist, I thought I could draw and paint,but, I am wrong about it. I need to stop praising people, but, I really do not know how. I need to stop saying yes to everything, because it would just lead me into trouble.

I constantly think, I never stop thinking,which is why when I walk I don't listen to others because my head has gone to the Lala world. When I think, I wont remember where I put my things because I am friggin forgetful. Nothing is ever right with me, I am always clumsy. I am also very irresponsible. Sometimes, I feel like staying in a bubble so that people won't know who I am because the real me is just ugly. When I complain about other people, I know sometimes its not just the person, I contribute to the situation too alot. I do not want to go to this path again, because this is the path where I would just be down to the ground. I do not know how to be organized because everytime I try to be organized I would end up not being organized at all.
I am easily influenced, because I bloody have to please the whole world. I know I choose to be who I am, but, right now, I do not know how to change. I want to, I really do, I hate who I am. I hate how I turned up to be. If I hate myself how can I expect others to like me. I bloody try to look good,but, its not how I look, its how I present myself, its my inner-self. If I bloody have to be friggin pessimistic all the time. How can I succeed in life. Argh! I think from now I should just lay low until I am totally stable.