trying to be more of a narcissist

               I am feeling rather different today, I think I just realized that I might have a crush on a person. Which is a really good sign because I have not been having any sort of feelings since the last break up. It is a good progress,for me that is. Although I hope the person likes me too,no, I do not want to have anything serious (yet) from the last break up, I think I may be abit of a commitment phob(I said I may). Oh well, atleast I know I am capable of liking someone. This calls for a celebration, a myself celebration! Alright, I may not have phone calls to look forward too or may not have friends who really care,but i do care for them and I actually have gained abit of confidence lately, that, I have to admit. It is time for the wake up little girl everyone is not who they might seem they are. Even I have secrets of my own, dark or bright it is still secret.

                I went to one utama with my sister and cousin today. I was actually hoping that I would get my bonus money back by the girl who has been owing me money since a decade ago. Yeah! That long to pay back my money,but, unfortunately, I was being rather too nice by giving her an extension to next week (abit of the old me,just a drop). Why? Because I can't be mean even if I try. I would end up feeling sorry later on, that is the nature of Intan Nabila. I hate it! That would slip as time goes, I think, because I would not want to be mean to my family or friends that actually really care about me. Seriously, it is quite hard to find genuine hearted people as age passes by. Someone ones told me (a friend) that it is pointless to love someone else if you do not love yourself. I think I am just trying to do that now, love myself. Just try,  real hard to ignore the fact that anybody else thinks that I am mostly random,deep,complicated,wild,less attractive and some mak cik (aunties) saying things like "Bila nampak gemuk" or "Bila! you look like you've gained alot of weight" things like that. It makes twitch, so, I would slowly try to blank myself out. 

            I played bowling with my sister and cousin. Suddenly, images of the past came through my head. I slapped myself and both of my sister and cousin thought I was crazy. Well, not that it is not true, I mean, I do take two best friends before I go to sleep (they're not actually people). I personally don't believe in bestfriends anymore. I had afew but all of them end up being some place else in the end. I am scared to find out what I would be like in the future.