The big picture of them all

Another post yet to be written by myself. I had to make myself private for awhile as I was afraid that the higher authority in this house has been reading my blog. Well, I do not really have big secrets in here, but, you can never be too careful. A rock climbing session tomorrow with my sister again,hopefully this time i can climb on the auto belay section without having any fear at all. I somehow feel like a ghost waiting to arise from the dead. Maybe its the left4dead game,it might not be left4dead,but, somehow, I need to stop being so tiny.

I have so many things to say that I do not know where to begin. About the ex, it has been approximately a week and 2 hours since the last time I called him and could not get through. I gave him a weird message in the end, until, friends realized I was acting all cuckoo in the small room. I am just glad I have the set of friends I have at the moment, even if they make fun of me, but, hey, I know they're just playing. I would rather friends who say things infront than at the back. Since my cousins are all busy, I have not have the time to go out with them that much. At the same time, I think its better this way,because they like to ask me questions about my ex sometimes which makes me really uncomfortable.

The boycott nonsense

           I am not trying to interrupt those who think what is right or wrong to them. I just have my own opinion, if you have yours to stick to, than let it be yours, I have my own. Personally, I doubt that by boycotting Jewish products will help the war in Gaza. Why? Well, by boycotting those products do you not think that it would effect our own economy. Think of those who work in the company itself, now, Starbucks, intel, Cocacola, Estee Lauder etc. is not a small company.

    People who work in there and actually need a job are muslims too. So, what if a small amount of muslims decided not to buy their products. Do you not think that they do not have strategy plans to make their company grow, I mean you can never run away from Jewish products. Advertisements everywhere, good advertisements they are like the big brothers of the world, they are companies that never fall no matter how many people you recruit to boycott the company.  People all over the world buy their product and a tiny amount of people would not hurt them at all, even if it does, it would just be a pinch for them. If you make a statistic on how many malaysian muslims work in the company, you would think twice to boycott the big companies. 

     Not only that, maybe our government has some funds/investment of the company itself. So, if all the Jewish companies are gone here in Malaysia, do you think we would get attention from tourists or expatrates, maybe you think we do not need their attention, no, actually we do. Here is the thing, have you ever looked went into a mall and think its dodgy and suddenly starbucks is right at the corner and you just think oh alright this place is alright, why? just because starbucks is there. What about mac donalds? Walk in to a mall, you do not know what to eat, and suddenly you see this really familiar logo and the red and yellow cheerful colour, you instantly feel like eating something from mcdonalds, because everyone knows mcdonalds just like everyone knows cocacola. So, with these so called tools, people would come to our country and think "oh, malaysia is not a backward country after all it has all the main shops, I don't mind coming here again". 

    So, if we can't boycott the companies, what can we do to help as muslims? Well, as muslims, we can't just pray and not do anything about it. I am not saying praying does not help, it does! but, we have to do something right. Well, come to think of it, we have rich muslims around the world. Instead of fighting with each other, we could keep the energy for those in need, but, ofcourse that won't happen. We can also have our own product, and make all muslims buy it, well, not just muslims but everyone all over the world. Try to do what the jews do. If they can do it, why cant we do it too? 

    

The wishes hopefully

It is 4.40 am I can't sleep, all I could think of right now is.... I WISH I WAS PRETTY!!!! I WISH...I had more personality! I wish I was a braniac well not a braniac but more intellectual than I am now. I wish I was more independent. I wish I had a boyfriend who does not give two fucks about my looks and just love me the way I am. I wish I had someone who understands me completely. I wish I had more money. I wish I am not as naive or as blunt. I wish I would not have to think twice about buying clothes all the time. I wish I was thinner. I wish I would not have a big appetite at night. I wish my medication does not make me fat all the time. I wish people should just shush whenever they see me gaining weight. I wish my ex was dead.  I wish I could just stop smoking. I wish some guy had find me interesting and we both fall in love as though we were in lala fairy tale land. 

Langat and CNY

          My friends and I celebrated shareen's birthday at langat on sunday, went back on monday. It was fun, in a get away place of Farid's. Well, at least I did I guess with all the things there. I can't really write about it, the thing I can write about is the fact that I swam almost 3 or 4 times in the cold water. Even at 5 o'clock, well, it was too cold for me that I dunked my body in the water,maybe, it is not called swimming its just me and my fat arse dunking myself in.  After a day not sleeping, I slept in the car.

          Knowing that it is chinese new year, I went to Nic's place. It was jolly!  no, not jolly shandy.We have not seen each other in almost a year. We talked for hours and her parents are very sweet, they still remember us. I was quite sad that chelle could not come, she would spice things up a little.Especially the time Jing became a really good actress and Fizzie and I could not stop laughing our brains out. I practically had a seizure,I could have sworn the saliva kept gashing down my mouth(which was not really pretty at all).The mother came to the room and asked us why, well, I really could not answer,luckily nic was there to tell her mom the whole story. We had a couple of flashbacks in school, about our class teacher such as ogre which I shant say her name. We just call her ogre, because she used to be mean and also big. That reminds me though, I have not taken my SPM slip yet. Dear Nic,Jing and Chelle including miss fizzie...I really miss you bitches, I just realized that Chinese New Year is the only time we get to see each other properly. Its rather sad though, we used to go Curve together all the time, maybe, nearly every weekend. If you guys read this, remember our pack of going to Amsterdam together. This is an update for Chelly, we made a pack in Nic's place, we're going to Amsterdam together in about 5 years time. 

hyped about climbing

       I have started wall climbing with my sister. Apparently, Raimy my sister's long term crush has been going there for 2 months. I did not know that when she invited me to tag along,but, now I know. Well, I am really glad my sister brought me along, I have become addicted to this sport. Somehow, I was afraid that I was not able to climb as the confidence level in myself was quite low,but, when I did it, I was rather surprised at myself and now, I feel like climbing everyday. Well, everyday might be abit too much as climbing takes up your strength and I would be awfully tired. Therefore, maybe I would climb 3 times a week. The people in camp5 are really friendly, I did not feel any tension or sense of competition in any of them, they were all there to help. 

       I think after I master this sport, I would like to follow my cousin to go indonesia or any other place in malaysia to climb. She has been wanting me to go with her for long now, since, she is about to get married, maybe, I can ask her to bring me along. I am sorry, all I can think about now is climbing. Maybe next, I could go back to New Zealand and go water rafting and also bungy jumping. Things that I would love and want to do since I was small, I was sooo close but yet soo far. The only 2 people who prevented me to do all these is obviously my parents. The thing is, danger is everywhere, so, why not experience the extreme. I am actually really glad that I have 2 people to go climbing with, going alone would just be boring. Raimy is really hyped about it, he bought the chalk bag and the climbing shoes as soon as we talked about it. I really hope my sister and Raimy can be together, even though he can't speak malay, my sister no difference, he has an american accent and my sister has a british accent. So, all and all I think somehow, they are meant to be together. 

      

The niece

       

Her curls down her hair falls,

Her face speaks of different emotions,

She jumps as though the heavens sent,

Her determination is as hard as the bricks,

To talk is what is difficult for her,

but, her spirit and giggles lifts others,

the things she does is immortal genius,

even better than the other kids her age,

she opens up my eyes,

mine, who is her aunt,

even if the words she speak is just babbles,

she gives me hope,

her presence is though happiness dropped,

she never complains or cry whenever she has classes,

I know she wants to speak,

I know she gets frustrated if we do not understand,

but, there is something in her mind I cant tell,

until today, I wonder what it is.

I thank god for her.

this is me doing a test

I decided to do this...I have nothing else better to do :D I took this from linda.

The rules:
Bold the statements that are true to you. Italise the statements that you WISH are true. Leave the Fibs alone. Then, stab 5 guys to do the same test.

I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch TV these days.
I own lots of magazines.
I wear glasses or contact lense
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I have been in a threesome.ahahahahahahahahahaha tipu je
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm totally smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really,really fast.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
I enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop then eat. 
I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone. (yeah the one i have right now is m's...thanks!)
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I have tried alcohol before.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
I own the "South Park" movie.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and i like it.
I have dated a close friends's ex.
I am happy at this moment!! 
I'm obsessed with guys
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I can work on a car.
I love my job.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever i can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules. 
I went college out of state.
I like sausage.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell i just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that i work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsesical, the better.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie

I love being happy.

jawa kok

Hey there readers, I have not been writing anything at all since I left for Jogjakarta. The trip was satisfying and I had a great time there. I was lost in my own world, taking pictures of every Javanese and pan-asian alike. The place is rich with character, art and hospitality. What was weird is that the loo was quite clean, I went everywhere and the loo was clean. I wondered for a moment, is our mentality that bad that our toilets can't be clean even in malls. I would post afew pictures here, it would be the same pictures that I have in facebook,but, who cares.

confusing atmosphere

         Yes, I decided to edit my post and write more. I figured I should write about how bad my day started early in the morning (a sign saying I should have just go home and sleep). I woke up at 7 o'clock in the morning had breakfast,bath and went straight to JPJ. On my way there, I had a huge fight with my dad, I was afraid of being the last one as I had to take the camera from cyber with the ex. The ex had to go for an interview at 1 o'clock,so the time was short and we had to rush things. My dad went to the wrong place which made me feel more angry, I told him that he was wrong but he insisted he was right. I called habib and asked for the place, he told me the direction,so, I decided to walk. When I reached the place, my dad was there too waving,now, I was not trying to be imprudent as I already am, but, I felt like a kindergardener being sent by her father. Right after the whole thing with my father was finished,we had to wait for the JPJ dude to come to open the bloody door. Habib was there since 7 am, and he was sick, I felt pity for him I do not know why.

            While we were waiting we saw this chinese guy (alright I did not have to bring up the race thing) alright, local guy to be more general. I assume he is about around 18 this year or maybe 17. He lit up a cigarette while talking to his friends, I did not say he smoked, he just lit it up as though waiting for the ashes to go down. Habib and I were looking at him as we had nothing else to do, as minutes flew, he just puffed ones or twice. So, we were both thinking, what is the point, it was as though he smoked for the sake of being cool. Well, that was just it, he sat beside me in the exam hall, and I do not know why,these people like to ask me for help. First he asked me if I knew the log in number and I said no.Ofcourse not, its not like I work at the bloody place. He than asked me why the computer said his IC number does not exist, I said I have no idea, knowing me, I said try to put your IC number correctly and click Warga negara and I did not  expect him to say thank you,but, atleast have the courtesy to say something. Oh well,some people are just too egoistic I guess.

                I feel really defeated today. I feel that I have lost every single battle that I have encountered. I went to alot of places and woke up pretty early to do things. License, was a goner. I seriously feel like an idiot, its not just the license. The whole thing with the ex is not anywhere. I have been wasting away tears, time, effort for? nothing. Not seing him was a lie, a lie to myself. Not calling him, a lie too. Not to be jealous of his girlfriend is obviously bullocks. How long do I want to lie to myself. How long do I want to say "this is fucking it, I do not fucking care about him anymore". My parents just does not know that I have been contacting him because he changed his number. I even lie to my friends to see him. What am I? I do not want to be this horrible person that I am. This whole holiday I have not achieve anything at all. At all! I wasted everything, all my friggin' energy on him, and yet, he does not come back. I tried every last bit of myself. He gained, yes he gained from me, like he always have. I do not blame my friends for being angry at me as I am angry at myself. 

   

                 I have lost practically 80 percent of my confidence level. I am so insecure now that I do not have the courage to step out of the cocoon of not being with him. The whole us thing has been really really confusing that now, its making my head turn. Now, we love each other but, something is in the way. *slaps self* get a grip...   I need to try to convince my parents that sending me to Perth as soon as possible is legitimate. :D

me me me

           Alright, I know the answer,the person that I am in like or was in like with. He was just a crush, I know now. hihi... I am watching this anime in youtube called nana and I am loving every moment of it. Its like a cartoon version of gossip girls, well, not really, but, its really cool. My wisdom tooth is coming out and its starting to hurt badly! I need listerine,why listerine? just to make it go numb. Friends? don;t u wanna go out with me? I am bored! 

          I am having my license exam again, habib and I failed the first time. This is not me being proud, this is me saying "gosh! I thought I could pass, I thought I was slightly smarter than I am" apparently that is just a thought. I am going to Jogja this friday and I am slightly excited. The down side is that my camera is still in its hospital. Meaning, its still in service, so, all those dreams of taking beautiful scenery is shattered. This is how I feel, I feel like my ex broke up with me for the second time. That is how heart broken I am, well, maybe I may have exaggerate just a tad too much. 

            I wish I could be in a fairytale, I do not have to work and still have plenty of money. All I have to worry is the so called villain that eventually would tell every single evil plan there is. So long that I dont be naive I would be just fine.

         A friend said that I should be putting more pictures in my blog as it is dull. So, I guess, I am putting pictures from my uncles wedding. 

dear

             I found him! I finally found him, turns out I spelled his name wrongly. sheesh, again,trust me to do these lame mistakes. I am not sure if this is just another phase of crush , hormones trying to balancing up or it is actually me finally getting over my ex. I would find out soon. The truth, I had a fight with my ex again. We both are getting tired of it, but, we still fight. I need a big fat punch on the face. I went for a wedding just now,boy, was it hactic. I went all over the place to give eggs and sweets to adults and children. To my surprise the children acted more mature than the adults. 

    

             My family is really crazy and fun. They all have they're mind of they're own, and also very funny. I think most people would notice it if they come to our gathering. First and second cousins alike, we are all very close. I think I am quite lucky in that sense. I need not to worry if friends hate me, I would just go to them and still would have ample of fun. We came back and I wanted to go out with friends,my dad is abit pissed at me about it because I have not been staying home that well. In addition that my friend came to my house just to talk to me later after that. Yeah, he went bombastic...hihi

happy new year

       This is a fresh new year and somehow I think that this year would be more chaotic than last year. Being a year older means that I would be having more responsibility, I stated in my facebook, I am quite nervous about this year actually very nervous indeed. I had a fabulous new years eve celebration. Believe it or not I still cant get that day out of my head. I would like to thank most of it to Linda, M , Fafa, Shareen ,Hayat,Meme,Afique, Fizzie, Yazir ,Iwan, FIr and everyone who was there on that day to make the new year possible. I would also like to say sorry if I have been a total jerk if I did anything wrong to any of you guys,but, I had fun. 

         I have not been updating much recently, have been quite busy with things to run, have been going up and down with people. I am developing a complex within myself,which is really unhealthy. I have been very very irresponsible last year and hopefully not this year. My attempt to quit smoking is somehow working just abit. Recently, I have developed a certain liking towards a person,but, yet again, I did not get any number or whatsoever. I really hope that I am not the only person who feels the same way or it would be such a waste. 

          I think I would expand my views towards art now. Practice drawing, buy more paint since it helps me relax, I do not see why not. I would write more when I have something else to say. I would love to write about the new year,but, too much information would lead to trouble.