Thursday, December 22, 2011
late appreciation
Is it too late to appreciate you now? Everything was in the clouds, but, only recently that it hit me that I may like you. Why now? I don't know.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
my dearest family and friends
To my dearest family and friends, (assuming they would read this, which I doubt they will,but, that is me, I like taking chances like these :) )
I wish to apologize to my family and friends for my absent mindedness. I have been very self absorbed with my probability of having a job and figuring out what to do and what fits me in a daily basis that I did not appreciate the attendance of everyone else that was around me.
Well, I tried my best talking and having a decent conversation with the people I meet,but, I ended up making the whole table feeling awkward with my presence. Which would lead to the reason why I sometimes try to avoid people as I wish not to make the environment bitter.
At this moment and time, I would somehow not attend some of the invitations that I have received temporarily, only because I think I need some attitude adjustment and stop being too self absorbed and start being grateful of all the things around me for ones. Please try to understand that I am not shutting people out from my life, I just need to figure what I would want to do and how I would go on to pursue my ambitions. In other words, figuring out what I can be good at. I am learning to separate my wants and needs also trying to accept me for who I am and what I am.
I wish to apologize to my family and friends for my absent mindedness. I have been very self absorbed with my probability of having a job and figuring out what to do and what fits me in a daily basis that I did not appreciate the attendance of everyone else that was around me.
Well, I tried my best talking and having a decent conversation with the people I meet,but, I ended up making the whole table feeling awkward with my presence. Which would lead to the reason why I sometimes try to avoid people as I wish not to make the environment bitter.
At this moment and time, I would somehow not attend some of the invitations that I have received temporarily, only because I think I need some attitude adjustment and stop being too self absorbed and start being grateful of all the things around me for ones. Please try to understand that I am not shutting people out from my life, I just need to figure what I would want to do and how I would go on to pursue my ambitions. In other words, figuring out what I can be good at. I am learning to separate my wants and needs also trying to accept me for who I am and what I am.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
jobish
Hey hey! Since I don't have a job so, I am spacing out so that I don't feel like I am useless in other words a piece of shit. Feeling out my head with dreams relentlessly would also be useless but, I think I would try to do some actual useful stuff. I should do something with the piece of certificate. There's about thousands of jobs out there and I am still stuck contemplating on what to do?
I think I have detached myself from the internet or the computer too much as I was busy fulfilling my addiction to coffee while learning about them. This might sound superficial, but, I think perhaps I might spend my time more on the internet more than I think.
I think I have detached myself from the internet or the computer too much as I was busy fulfilling my addiction to coffee while learning about them. This might sound superficial, but, I think perhaps I might spend my time more on the internet more than I think.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
jibber jabber
my last post would be on the 15th. I really didn't bother to switch on my computer or laptop and clicking while typing away since. I did have an attempt, but, the attempt would all churn away by a handful of distractions. So, what has been up? or in this case, what has been down? Well, first of all, I have sent my resignation letter towards the coffee shop, and there goes my 30 percent privilege which isn't as important. My parents are on a trip over the sea and across a few lands to Italy and Sarajevo and I haven't any job.
I shall say that it would be hard for me to type away and regather all my thoughts as it has been quite a full blown of emotional blast of all the emotions combined. Apart from my parents surprisingly showing me the will before they left, I could feel the tension of my whole family. I remember that I wanted so much to be an adult when I was in school, but, now, I'd rather be in school. I'd rather get tormented by prefects and at the same time getting lectures by teachers. Which I think, to be fair, is not all sunshine, rainbows and butterflies.
Did I mention too that I am seeing a new shrink? no? well, I am. He is young, so, I hope that he would understand me more than the two other women that helped me a notch. So far, I am restricting myself from staying in my room and being a blob sleeping in my ridiculously high framed bed. Hyping myself up to go out without even having any form of engagements nor events. Which to say is a success because as the shrink would tell me that he thinks "I am doing a good job" that surprises me, by that, he means that I am going out relentlessly regardless of being emotionally inapt and at the same time finding an invisible job that comes from the air. I think that is enough blabbing for the whole day or perhaps week probably month. I shall continue when I feel like continuing, as for now, I shall go to sleep and have whatever my mind would think it shall give me, which is to say a dream or a nightmare or both combined.
I shall say that it would be hard for me to type away and regather all my thoughts as it has been quite a full blown of emotional blast of all the emotions combined. Apart from my parents surprisingly showing me the will before they left, I could feel the tension of my whole family. I remember that I wanted so much to be an adult when I was in school, but, now, I'd rather be in school. I'd rather get tormented by prefects and at the same time getting lectures by teachers. Which I think, to be fair, is not all sunshine, rainbows and butterflies.
Did I mention too that I am seeing a new shrink? no? well, I am. He is young, so, I hope that he would understand me more than the two other women that helped me a notch. So far, I am restricting myself from staying in my room and being a blob sleeping in my ridiculously high framed bed. Hyping myself up to go out without even having any form of engagements nor events. Which to say is a success because as the shrink would tell me that he thinks "I am doing a good job" that surprises me, by that, he means that I am going out relentlessly regardless of being emotionally inapt and at the same time finding an invisible job that comes from the air. I think that is enough blabbing for the whole day or perhaps week probably month. I shall continue when I feel like continuing, as for now, I shall go to sleep and have whatever my mind would think it shall give me, which is to say a dream or a nightmare or both combined.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
more sappy stories
Hey there bloggiee...somehow, I haven't been blogging for
quite awhile now...blogging through my bb because I feel abit too
tired to switch my laptop on. A lot of things has and have happened,
I am resigning from the coffee shop as it brings out too much
politics for a part-time job and plus, I just wanted to work to feel the
God knows what void that I have been feeling.
I think too much and have beaten myself up too much.I practically beat
myself up in everything that I do which is totally uncool and unhealthy. I
really find it hard to give myself a pat on the back if I have done something
that is good. I somehow force myself to work so that I wouldn't stay idle and
force myself to go out with friends so that I don't just feel lazy at home.
I am a graduate,but, I don't feel like I am one. Infact, I feel the opposite.
Gosh I sound like an ungrateful bitch,but, its true.
quite awhile now...blogging through my bb because I feel abit too
tired to switch my laptop on. A lot of things has and have happened,
I am resigning from the coffee shop as it brings out too much
politics for a part-time job and plus, I just wanted to work to feel the
God knows what void that I have been feeling.
I think too much and have beaten myself up too much.I practically beat
myself up in everything that I do which is totally uncool and unhealthy. I
really find it hard to give myself a pat on the back if I have done something
that is good. I somehow force myself to work so that I wouldn't stay idle and
force myself to go out with friends so that I don't just feel lazy at home.
I am a graduate,but, I don't feel like I am one. Infact, I feel the opposite.
Gosh I sound like an ungrateful bitch,but, its true.
more sappy stories
Hey there bloggiee...somehow, I haven't been blogging for
quite awhile now...blogging through my bb because I feel abit too
tired to switch my laptop on. A lot of things has and have happened,
I am resigning from the coffee shop as it brings out too much
politics for a part-time job and plus, I just wanted to work to feel the
God knows what void that I have been feeling.
I think too much and have beaten myself up too much.I practically beat
myself up in everything that I do which is totally uncool and unhealthy. I
really find it hard to give myself a pat on the back if I have done something
that is good. I somehow force myself to work so that I wouldn't stay idle and
force myself to go out with friends so that I don't just feel lazy at home.
I am a graduate,but, I don't feel like I am one. Infact, I feel the opposite.
Gosh I sound like an ungrateful bitch,but, its true.
quite awhile now...blogging through my bb because I feel abit too
tired to switch my laptop on. A lot of things has and have happened,
I am resigning from the coffee shop as it brings out too much
politics for a part-time job and plus, I just wanted to work to feel the
God knows what void that I have been feeling.
I think too much and have beaten myself up too much.I practically beat
myself up in everything that I do which is totally uncool and unhealthy. I
really find it hard to give myself a pat on the back if I have done something
that is good. I somehow force myself to work so that I wouldn't stay idle and
force myself to go out with friends so that I don't just feel lazy at home.
I am a graduate,but, I don't feel like I am one. Infact, I feel the opposite.
Gosh I sound like an ungrateful bitch,but, its true.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The LOVE experienve
Let me tell you about my experience with love and how I perceive it. Love, as you might see is a wonderful caring and thoughtful feeling. Act of kindness, giving, a strong bond between you, your mother, father, sisters,son, daughter, brothers, wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend whoever you might have a strong affection or compassion on. It is what makes you do crazy and unthinkable things for a person...sometimes to the extant of dying for the person in order to protect him/her.
Love isn't any feeling, it is all the emotions and feelings combined together. No matter how you prepare your heart, with love, you can collapse in any moment. Like me, love, is somehow, bipolar. It is what makes you feel warm, protective, gentle, generous, kind, float and mostly everything that is pleasant that you can ever think of.
At the same time, love can also be bitter, sour, cold, cruel, blind and everything that is unkind. When this happens, your heart would just drop and your soul would be hanging upside down and no one has ever told you or warn you about these feelings in love. This would also make your heart and your brain detached from one another and therefore, would eventually make you confused, angry, sad, betrayed etc. These feelings would go with anyone you care for, no matter who it is.
We have a brain to think on what is wrong or right, but, what is so brilliant and at the same time dangerous about love is. It makes you do things beyond the regular. When you loose a child for instance, you would carry on searching for the child and trade your life if your child is in danger. I admire the gift of God in this emotion and feeling.
Love isn't any feeling, it is all the emotions and feelings combined together. No matter how you prepare your heart, with love, you can collapse in any moment. Like me, love, is somehow, bipolar. It is what makes you feel warm, protective, gentle, generous, kind, float and mostly everything that is pleasant that you can ever think of.
At the same time, love can also be bitter, sour, cold, cruel, blind and everything that is unkind. When this happens, your heart would just drop and your soul would be hanging upside down and no one has ever told you or warn you about these feelings in love. This would also make your heart and your brain detached from one another and therefore, would eventually make you confused, angry, sad, betrayed etc. These feelings would go with anyone you care for, no matter who it is.
We have a brain to think on what is wrong or right, but, what is so brilliant and at the same time dangerous about love is. It makes you do things beyond the regular. When you loose a child for instance, you would carry on searching for the child and trade your life if your child is in danger. I admire the gift of God in this emotion and feeling.
Monday, July 18, 2011
pass license yeay
Hey Hey!!! I am happy to say that I have gotten my car license after failing on the road ones. I got lucky this time thanks to the awesome JPJ tester :D
Now, I am spiritually motivated to find me a more stable job. Although, I think I have to stay at home more to spend time cleaning up the space in the room so that it wouldn't effect my work that much.
Like I said before, everything, would take a bit of time, bad or good it would eventually fall in its place :D I don't think the environment in starbucks is all that bad or all that good either. I am sure you are confused by now, but, sadly, that's a fact.
I am in my mid-year now, therefore, I have to strive more too, to achieve the goals that I have in my head...no one would actually understand why I work part time in starbucks when I have a degree...but, I think it is enough for me myself to understand. Incubus would be this Saturdaay!!! I CAN'T FRIGGIN WAIT!
This whole post would not have anything related to one another...I would just write whatever it is in my scattered brain...eh like my room...my room is all scattered with junk and stuff...I have low confidence like nobodies business...I am clueless as on how to regain the confidence...I need to tell myself that I have achieved alot...which I think it is...but, it is not proven in black or white...haish
Now, I am spiritually motivated to find me a more stable job. Although, I think I have to stay at home more to spend time cleaning up the space in the room so that it wouldn't effect my work that much.
Like I said before, everything, would take a bit of time, bad or good it would eventually fall in its place :D I don't think the environment in starbucks is all that bad or all that good either. I am sure you are confused by now, but, sadly, that's a fact.
I am in my mid-year now, therefore, I have to strive more too, to achieve the goals that I have in my head...no one would actually understand why I work part time in starbucks when I have a degree...but, I think it is enough for me myself to understand. Incubus would be this Saturdaay!!! I CAN'T FRIGGIN WAIT!
This whole post would not have anything related to one another...I would just write whatever it is in my scattered brain...eh like my room...my room is all scattered with junk and stuff...I have low confidence like nobodies business...I am clueless as on how to regain the confidence...I need to tell myself that I have achieved alot...which I think it is...but, it is not proven in black or white...haish
Friday, July 8, 2011
car license update
The following update would be...me getting my
driver's license. I know I have been talking about it
in ages,but, this is my final driving exam. I have
a complete mixed feelings of being excited and being
as nervous as a mad cow.
Tomorrow would be my last day of class. I hope I
would use my two hours of class in full use.
I really don't want to fail this class as I need the
license. I already feel the guilt of my friends
picking and sending me back whenever we hang.
Me driving would be a huge change for once...and
whenever there's a roadtrip I'd be willing to drive ;)
driver's license. I know I have been talking about it
in ages,but, this is my final driving exam. I have
a complete mixed feelings of being excited and being
as nervous as a mad cow.
Tomorrow would be my last day of class. I hope I
would use my two hours of class in full use.
I really don't want to fail this class as I need the
license. I already feel the guilt of my friends
picking and sending me back whenever we hang.
Me driving would be a huge change for once...and
whenever there's a roadtrip I'd be willing to drive ;)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
the updates of the lasts
I have been quite absent with my blog and sharing my thoughts in here.
Perhaps, I should write and save my friends
the space of the sound of my annoying voice.
Ultimately, I have been trying to make ends meat, but, it is quite a process.
My sisters and parents are getting
quite impatient with myself because I haven't
tried to give my resume to any soul.
I am not quite sure why and what I am afraid of to
be frank. If I do get a decent
job than all my expenses shall be paid off,
ofcourse it is not guaranteed.
I have gotten myself a bb and haven't touched my laptop ever since.
Poor Ben (that is the name that I personally gave to my laptop...
it is sad..but, even sad to know
that it is true). I guess that is it at the moment, I haven't
any agenda's or whatsoever. I am just constantly thinking of ways for me
to not be lazy and be successful and earn as much as possible,but,
I am waaaaaaaay too far behind. I just hope that I wouldn't get out of
breathe chasing and give up before the finish line...if so, I would definitely
be furious and devistated with myself and there goes my confidence.
marriage would be the last and utmost latest result for me.
Perhaps, I should write and save my friends
the space of the sound of my annoying voice.
Ultimately, I have been trying to make ends meat, but, it is quite a process.
My sisters and parents are getting
quite impatient with myself because I haven't
tried to give my resume to any soul.
I am not quite sure why and what I am afraid of to
be frank. If I do get a decent
job than all my expenses shall be paid off,
ofcourse it is not guaranteed.
I have gotten myself a bb and haven't touched my laptop ever since.
Poor Ben (that is the name that I personally gave to my laptop...
it is sad..but, even sad to know
that it is true). I guess that is it at the moment, I haven't
any agenda's or whatsoever. I am just constantly thinking of ways for me
to not be lazy and be successful and earn as much as possible,but,
I am waaaaaaaay too far behind. I just hope that I wouldn't get out of
breathe chasing and give up before the finish line...if so, I would definitely
be furious and devistated with myself and there goes my confidence.
marriage would be the last and utmost latest result for me.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
massive
This isn't working...I need to make the next massive move....test the waters again and just dive in...I don't care if I need to restart and I don't care if my parents or family approve or disapprove my next decision...if I fail...than, I would have to pick myself up again and go on...this whole thing about beating myself up has gotta stop.
I have to be firm and stop being afraid to be firm. The fear of being firm is the reason why I am beating myself up all the time. I really need to learn how to stop pleasing the goddamn world and just say whatever it is in my head. There isn't only one colour in this world and not every colour would match, therefore, if it doesn't match, it doesn't mean it is wrong, it just means that I need to find the right colour all over again...even if it means picking through every single code.
I have to be firm and stop being afraid to be firm. The fear of being firm is the reason why I am beating myself up all the time. I really need to learn how to stop pleasing the goddamn world and just say whatever it is in my head. There isn't only one colour in this world and not every colour would match, therefore, if it doesn't match, it doesn't mean it is wrong, it just means that I need to find the right colour all over again...even if it means picking through every single code.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
not to - old maid
I was hanging out with my friends and they asked me how many exes that I had...it was funny because I can't really remember how many i had and it is ironic because at this moment and time at the age of 22 with all the exes that I have got before...I have none at the moment...and no one seems to be attracted to this hag...which is bad...because I am not even that old yet and already I have turned into a hag.
This is really a bad habit of mine...I used to have at least one or two guys that I could at least flirt with...but, no guy is interested with me or maybe I am not interested to have any flirtatious go ons. Most of my exes are married or getting married...well, I don't have any intention to marry anyone at the moment. I am still young (or rather think I am young)...I just maybe want a decent likable interest of chemistry with a special someone...a significant other perhaps might be the option.
Though, I have to admit that I am not to keen or proud of my past with the exes. Those were terrible days and I would like to bury those moments never to return just to bring the experience with me...not to repeat it again. I guess I would just have to pray to the Almighty that I would have a decent guy who would love the twisted me the way that I am and not to be a cranky old maid with 100 cats and dogs in the house.
This is really a bad habit of mine...I used to have at least one or two guys that I could at least flirt with...but, no guy is interested with me or maybe I am not interested to have any flirtatious go ons. Most of my exes are married or getting married...well, I don't have any intention to marry anyone at the moment. I am still young (or rather think I am young)...I just maybe want a decent likable interest of chemistry with a special someone...a significant other perhaps might be the option.
Though, I have to admit that I am not to keen or proud of my past with the exes. Those were terrible days and I would like to bury those moments never to return just to bring the experience with me...not to repeat it again. I guess I would just have to pray to the Almighty that I would have a decent guy who would love the twisted me the way that I am and not to be a cranky old maid with 100 cats and dogs in the house.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
kambate to me
I have one work that requires physical strength and one requires alot of creativity. I am both physically and mentally drained. Another 24++ hours wake up marathon for me...hope I can do this...I need to stay strong and work harder...I already felt like fainting yesterday but, thats just cause I didn't eat and didn't stop working in both starbucks and doing the brochure. I think I just need to push harder and stay more focused. Three people have asked me for my portfolio and I haven't the time to send it to them. This is not an excuse...I am being serious...I need to compile and design the lay out of my portfolio before I send it to them. double triple *sigh* again to myself Kambate
Sunday, May 8, 2011
overwhelmed
Alright, I am gonna stay up literally for 24 hours hours. I had 8 hours of work and I have another work...but, I wanted this. I wanted to work hard...so, I have to do it! Kambate to myself
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
you that is they
I have been mislead and misused
by those who are carefully designed
with the physic softness, tenderness and care
oh, how naive I can get
they carry knives, axes, nails
carved and planed sharply
pretending to be naive as I
they hide it behind me
slowly throwing bits of sharp objects
"not them" they would say
but, they laugh with joy
slowly they would past by me
this time, with sharper objects
"not them" they would say again
until one day, I saw them
one day they killed me
the person inside me
with every sharp object they can find
how painful it was
for every pain that I received
they would feel a sense of joy
I tried and tried to find a cure
but they kept coming to haunt me
and crave to kill me again
by those who are carefully designed
with the physic softness, tenderness and care
oh, how naive I can get
they carry knives, axes, nails
carved and planed sharply
pretending to be naive as I
they hide it behind me
slowly throwing bits of sharp objects
"not them" they would say
but, they laugh with joy
slowly they would past by me
this time, with sharper objects
"not them" they would say again
until one day, I saw them
one day they killed me
the person inside me
with every sharp object they can find
how painful it was
for every pain that I received
they would feel a sense of joy
I tried and tried to find a cure
but they kept coming to haunt me
and crave to kill me again
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
my vacation with friends
I am truly lost at this point. Although I went for a vacation for three days and two nights with my friends. I still feel a bit lost. I did like the vacation, loved the beach, the company and also the adventure. I had motion sickness while I was in the boat, at first I thought it was because I was tired, but, it was the same through out most of the boat rides. I didn't want to gross anyone out with puking so I had to make my brain,ear and body stable. It got to a point where I could still feel the boat shaking when I was on the bed trying to sleep. It was our first trip together and I hope it is not the last.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
hoping to forget
Somehow, it is hard to forget major things that happened in your life. Especially when you want to talk to someone about it and hope that at least one person would understand,but, I know that as long as the person hasn't gone through it, they wouldn't know what it feels or how it was.
Some days, you feel like sharing, but, when you want to pour it out, you would eventually hold back because there would never be a right timing for it. Even if you do tell them, you would know what they would say, because no one would know how to react to it. The reason is simple, because they haven't been there. It is fairly inappropriate for them too, that must be understood.
Which makes you feel so alone as you have no choice but to keep it in you. Telling yourself to be strong, day by day, week by week and living life, making it interesting so that you would feel good about yourself again.
Knowing that it was the past, you try harder to forget, by keeping yourself busy with hobbies. Hoping that it would be discarded,but, eventually it would never be gone, at least not permanently though. Even if you've told people, just for the sake of making your life at ease, you can't help but to feel judged after that.
Some days, you feel like sharing, but, when you want to pour it out, you would eventually hold back because there would never be a right timing for it. Even if you do tell them, you would know what they would say, because no one would know how to react to it. The reason is simple, because they haven't been there. It is fairly inappropriate for them too, that must be understood.
Which makes you feel so alone as you have no choice but to keep it in you. Telling yourself to be strong, day by day, week by week and living life, making it interesting so that you would feel good about yourself again.
Knowing that it was the past, you try harder to forget, by keeping yourself busy with hobbies. Hoping that it would be discarded,but, eventually it would never be gone, at least not permanently though. Even if you've told people, just for the sake of making your life at ease, you can't help but to feel judged after that.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
what if i am a boy
This is strange and stupid of me,but, I was walking around the house and ignoring the furnitures in the house, because it doesn't fascinate me that much anymore as I have seen it practically everyday. Unless if I go to one of the drawers and take things out from it and find something that is interesting or something that would make me reminisce, but, that would just make a mess out of the place and I would have to put everything back and I am in no mood for that as I am always being a sloth.
Anyway, when I was walking around the house, I wondered, what would happen if I am a boy. Not that it is possible or that I wanted so much to be one. I just wondered, I like to wonder daft things like that sometimes, than when someone asked me anything. I would just go numb and say slow things like "huh" "what" or repeat the wrong things, that annoys people a lot sometimes, I can tell, but, it annoys me too because they would just give up and I would wonder what they said before.
Right now, me being myself as a girl, my love life has become nonchalant. I am not sure if any guy at all likes me, before, when I was in high school, at least there were signs of guys who liked me and it was pretty obvious too, but, now, I just don't know anything, like no one I know gave any signs or whatsoever. So, if I am a boy, would I have a girlfriend by now? Would I treat girls nicely? Would I have curfews like I have right now? Which school would I go to? An old boys school or a co-ad school? Would I get bullied or be the bullier? Would I be a nerd, a geek, or a cool guy that hangs around with cool crowds? Would I be alright with two elder sisters? The questions would go on without any stop. Of course, the questions would not go anywhere because it will never exist.
These things are pointless and a waste of my small brain space. I don't know why I typed it all out. I guess I just wanted to share and figured my mind would be off it somehow and maybe, the days of thinking brainlessly at night before I go to sleep would go today.
Anyway, when I was walking around the house, I wondered, what would happen if I am a boy. Not that it is possible or that I wanted so much to be one. I just wondered, I like to wonder daft things like that sometimes, than when someone asked me anything. I would just go numb and say slow things like "huh" "what" or repeat the wrong things, that annoys people a lot sometimes, I can tell, but, it annoys me too because they would just give up and I would wonder what they said before.
Right now, me being myself as a girl, my love life has become nonchalant. I am not sure if any guy at all likes me, before, when I was in high school, at least there were signs of guys who liked me and it was pretty obvious too, but, now, I just don't know anything, like no one I know gave any signs or whatsoever. So, if I am a boy, would I have a girlfriend by now? Would I treat girls nicely? Would I have curfews like I have right now? Which school would I go to? An old boys school or a co-ad school? Would I get bullied or be the bullier? Would I be a nerd, a geek, or a cool guy that hangs around with cool crowds? Would I be alright with two elder sisters? The questions would go on without any stop. Of course, the questions would not go anywhere because it will never exist.
These things are pointless and a waste of my small brain space. I don't know why I typed it all out. I guess I just wanted to share and figured my mind would be off it somehow and maybe, the days of thinking brainlessly at night before I go to sleep would go today.
Monday, March 7, 2011
some of the company profile
the index page of what i did for the company profile...these pages are not approved yet..so,feel free to state anything that you think if you feel like it...
the wedding page
the wedding page
Friday, March 4, 2011
venting out needed
At the moment I feel as though I need to talk to someone to vent everything out. I would usually let things out to my best friend, but, he is nowhere near me as he decided to fly off to the land below to study. I have so many things going on around me that it is over stimulating my brain. I just feel like everything that I have believed in and everything that I have hold on to is pointless in away.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
what i really am
Truth is, I want to do what I want to and I do what I do just because I think it is cool.I know I am not. I am easily psyched and fascinated which is why I want to do things in an instant, I can also get bored easily. Hence, the reason why I need to feed the bored adrenaline, so that it can tell me to get up and not go down under to dull and depressed brain land.
I sometimes over estimate my abilities but, most of the time I would under estimate and surprise myself. I can't predict myself, so, I doubt that anyone can predict me. When I am psyched, I would usually be really hyper and I won't stop moving, but, it can be switched when someone would say things that would upset me and it would usually ruin my entire day.
I like doing random things alone, just to make myself happy. I sometimes walk alone because I see everything differently when I am alone.I can't stay at home because staying at home too long would make me feel unproductive and that saddens me sometimes.
Whenever people think that I am blur, I get annoyed with myself, because that would usually mean that they think that my brain is filled with air. What they don't know is, it is actually the opposite, my brain has too many things to think that I have to sometimes take the real world out. I don't have any major problems and when people think, they don't usually think about their problems only. I would usually think about everything and anything from useful things, to useless things.
I sometimes over estimate my abilities but, most of the time I would under estimate and surprise myself. I can't predict myself, so, I doubt that anyone can predict me. When I am psyched, I would usually be really hyper and I won't stop moving, but, it can be switched when someone would say things that would upset me and it would usually ruin my entire day.
I like doing random things alone, just to make myself happy. I sometimes walk alone because I see everything differently when I am alone.I can't stay at home because staying at home too long would make me feel unproductive and that saddens me sometimes.
Whenever people think that I am blur, I get annoyed with myself, because that would usually mean that they think that my brain is filled with air. What they don't know is, it is actually the opposite, my brain has too many things to think that I have to sometimes take the real world out. I don't have any major problems and when people think, they don't usually think about their problems only. I would usually think about everything and anything from useful things, to useless things.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
focus
I have realized that, I am not creative nor am I smart in any way. I have been told that I am slow repetitively, and I am starting to believe that I am. Perhaps right now I am in a manic stage, where I think everything is wrong about myself. I wish I can produce things fast and I wish I can do things that I imagine I would and can do.
I know what I am, and most of the people including my mom,sisters,aunties,cousins and friends say that I am weird. Maybe what I am is being awkward around everyone and being weird and that's just me.
I seriously wish right now, my brain could stop generating false things that make me day dream and focus.
I know what I am, and most of the people including my mom,sisters,aunties,cousins and friends say that I am weird. Maybe what I am is being awkward around everyone and being weird and that's just me.
I seriously wish right now, my brain could stop generating false things that make me day dream and focus.
Friday, February 18, 2011
re-post old entry from old blog
I was reading my old blog and this is the first thing I saw.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
trembling life
I am really not sure why I cant put pictures in my blog, maybe it is because I just suck in IT,which would lead me into trouble as I would need some basic knowledge about softwares like illustrator,photoshop and stuff or I would have no money at all for the future. *yikes!*err... Lately, I have been hanging around lindsay alot (linda), from time to time I now know why everybody loves her. I am not trying to be safe and write good things about people, but, hey, I never thought that I would think she's cool. I mean, we've been friends for almost a decade but, most of my friends were mean back than. Now, that I have grown to a friggin 19 year old (I cant believe that I would be 20 next..shite!) I am certain that she has changed. Latter, a few guys (bibo,m,ayim who's currently not in the state of province) and one assuntarian girl (amelia) all together would make each other laugh sitting in the car or place ourselves at some hawker stall or restaurant etc. Whenever I hangout with them, I believe that each of them has got talent, wether in photography,arts,public relations they've got their own personality and that is why I feel comfortable with them. I am writing all of the nice things about them, because,because,well, right now, I can only think about nice things. Now that I have written things about my lovely friends, lets get down to my family. My eldest has been traveling while working literally nearly around the whole world. She is a lucky one because she has got the privilege to travel in business class, and shop in the big apple! thats about it I guess, apart from that I guess she would be missing her daughter here,but, I would really want to go to Washington,delhi,singapore etc with her...shite again!(that is meant for not being able to follow my eldest) The middle child has landed back into her motherland which is here. She came back last last Monday. I did not get to see her due to my extended last minute assignments, so, I had to stay in Cyber(another story,spent time with dudes Kerry and Tun) but, I am back in PJ now, so, she is all I see. My dad is as usual being cranky old papa,but, I have afew attempts on cheering him up here and there, it works sometimes, usually it doesnt. Both my parents are mad because I cant get my butt stay in my house compound. My mom has been taking care of my niece as usual. I have been quite close to her lately, telling her about the latest gossips, like the things that linda has with M. She thinks its cute and so do I. I tell her other things too,like how to deal with my boyfriend and stuff. Mothers nows best. Things has been alright with awi and I, I guess, he bought me a second hand touch screen motorola phone, I have to type things with my hand if I want to call or sms, the previous owner lost the pen thingamajiggy. I am on holiday, so I am trying my best not to bore myself to death as I wait for my poor results to come by and land in my letter box so that I can feel guilty of not working hard enough for my third semester. Shite! aaah! lalalalal...
Posted at 05:05 am by bilabambam
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Wednesday, June 25, 2008
trembling life
I am really not sure why I cant put pictures in my blog, maybe it is because I just suck in IT,which would lead me into trouble as I would need some basic knowledge about softwares like illustrator,photoshop and stuff or I would have no money at all for the future. *yikes!*err... Lately, I have been hanging around lindsay alot (linda), from time to time I now know why everybody loves her. I am not trying to be safe and write good things about people, but, hey, I never thought that I would think she's cool. I mean, we've been friends for almost a decade but, most of my friends were mean back than. Now, that I have grown to a friggin 19 year old (I cant believe that I would be 20 next..shite!) I am certain that she has changed. Latter, a few guys (bibo,m,ayim who's currently not in the state of province) and one assuntarian girl (amelia) all together would make each other laugh sitting in the car or place ourselves at some hawker stall or restaurant etc. Whenever I hangout with them, I believe that each of them has got talent, wether in photography,arts,public relations they've got their own personality and that is why I feel comfortable with them. I am writing all of the nice things about them, because,because,well, right now, I can only think about nice things. Now that I have written things about my lovely friends, lets get down to my family. My eldest has been traveling while working literally nearly around the whole world. She is a lucky one because she has got the privilege to travel in business class, and shop in the big apple! thats about it I guess, apart from that I guess she would be missing her daughter here,but, I would really want to go to Washington,delhi,singapore etc with her...shite again!(that is meant for not being able to follow my eldest) The middle child has landed back into her motherland which is here. She came back last last Monday. I did not get to see her due to my extended last minute assignments, so, I had to stay in Cyber(another story,spent time with dudes Kerry and Tun) but, I am back in PJ now, so, she is all I see. My dad is as usual being cranky old papa,but, I have afew attempts on cheering him up here and there, it works sometimes, usually it doesnt. Both my parents are mad because I cant get my butt stay in my house compound. My mom has been taking care of my niece as usual. I have been quite close to her lately, telling her about the latest gossips, like the things that linda has with M. She thinks its cute and so do I. I tell her other things too,like how to deal with my boyfriend and stuff. Mothers nows best. Things has been alright with awi and I, I guess, he bought me a second hand touch screen motorola phone, I have to type things with my hand if I want to call or sms, the previous owner lost the pen thingamajiggy. I am on holiday, so I am trying my best not to bore myself to death as I wait for my poor results to come by and land in my letter box so that I can feel guilty of not working hard enough for my third semester. Shite! aaah! lalalalal...
Posted at 05:05 am by bilabambam
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long class...bore bore bore
Tomorrow would be the day that I would be sitting in a dull classroom for 6 hours providing, I think about half an hour of break. Food would be far away from all of us as it is located opposite of Asia Jaya LRT Station and the canteen doesn't open. Therefore, the only food that they have is guava and other 1 ringgit fruits in a local stand at the LRT station.
*Augh* I could feel the agony of sitting and "listening" to the lecture already. I have been to the same class and listened to the same lecture before this, but, being smart, I failed the class twice and after 3 years of being lazy, a calling came to me and went for registration with a friend.
I thank god that I have a friend to go along with, I doubt that I can stand being a vegetable for 6 hours. I didn't say what class it was did I? I mentioned that it is opposite of Asia Jaya, so, if you are from around PJ you would've guessed it by now (just maybe). I am attending driver's license ad. I know none of you would give a rats ass,but, hey, it is part of my therapy,writing, so, you don't get to say nuts about it.
*Augh* I could feel the agony of sitting and "listening" to the lecture already. I have been to the same class and listened to the same lecture before this, but, being smart, I failed the class twice and after 3 years of being lazy, a calling came to me and went for registration with a friend.
I thank god that I have a friend to go along with, I doubt that I can stand being a vegetable for 6 hours. I didn't say what class it was did I? I mentioned that it is opposite of Asia Jaya, so, if you are from around PJ you would've guessed it by now (just maybe). I am attending driver's license ad. I know none of you would give a rats ass,but, hey, it is part of my therapy,writing, so, you don't get to say nuts about it.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
the plug pin problem
It has passed my recent bed time (which by the way is usually 12am the most), but, my head didn't let me sleep. It bothered me with thoughts, that I had to write it down somewhere. Writing in paper with pen couldn't just do it, felt wrong (it is a modern era) besides, I have a huge laptop on my bed, I might just put it to some use. Frankly, having the process of "successfully" typing this entry requires quite a lot of energy. Why you may ask? Yeah,I know...you may think that it is just a matter of clicking and creating a new entry,but, I had to
find a proper plug to my laptop, the only plug is right under my bed
Why is it a problem?
It is a problem because my bed is at least 1 foot tall and I swear if you fall from my bed you would get injuries,probably quite a major one.
About my bed?
It is somewhat like a princess like bed (which is so not me) but, I still love it! It is an antique that my dad took from the attic of my relatives house. When my dad first got it, it was really really rusty, like you can barely see the shape of the metal, but, dad got it clean and painted it white. The bed is apparently more than 100 years old, and it belonged to my grandmother.
Done with the bed story.
Back to the plug problem.
When the bed is 1 foot tall, me, being quite (not to say hoarder because that would just mean that I collect and don't dispense anything) a keeper or a collector, it is filled with things. So, going to the plug under my bed is like swimming through laps of things with tiny space that would make your forehead sore because it kept bumping onto the surface of the bed every time your body gets through at least an inch.
When I finally got to the plug, I realized that there was something wrong with the pins,so, it took me about at least 10 minutes to fit the charger into the plug pin.
After all that, I felt an accomplishment. I didn't think that I felt this accomplished when I went to my graduation ceremony. Oh well, I might be exaggerating,but, than again, you're not me, so you wouldn't know if it is true or false and you shouldn't care either.
find a proper plug to my laptop, the only plug is right under my bed
Why is it a problem?
It is a problem because my bed is at least 1 foot tall and I swear if you fall from my bed you would get injuries,probably quite a major one.
About my bed?
It is somewhat like a princess like bed (which is so not me) but, I still love it! It is an antique that my dad took from the attic of my relatives house. When my dad first got it, it was really really rusty, like you can barely see the shape of the metal, but, dad got it clean and painted it white. The bed is apparently more than 100 years old, and it belonged to my grandmother.
Done with the bed story.
Back to the plug problem.
When the bed is 1 foot tall, me, being quite (not to say hoarder because that would just mean that I collect and don't dispense anything) a keeper or a collector, it is filled with things. So, going to the plug under my bed is like swimming through laps of things with tiny space that would make your forehead sore because it kept bumping onto the surface of the bed every time your body gets through at least an inch.
When I finally got to the plug, I realized that there was something wrong with the pins,so, it took me about at least 10 minutes to fit the charger into the plug pin.
After all that, I felt an accomplishment. I didn't think that I felt this accomplished when I went to my graduation ceremony. Oh well, I might be exaggerating,but, than again, you're not me, so you wouldn't know if it is true or false and you shouldn't care either.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
things I dream to do in my dreamland
I am constantly in my dreamland. I wish it has a stop button so that I can concentrate on whatever task that I have to encounter. I am actually tired of people looking down on me. I may be clumsy, at some point naive, but, I have certain trades in me that counters the negatives.
Yet again, the lists of things I would want to do that would make my parents go nuts. Not like I don't make them nuts everyday when I tell them that I am going out with my friends. I can't help it, I am quite different from my sisters, alright, quite different may be an understatement. I somehow feel like I have been raised by different sets of family at times, or maybe, I am the one who's being too rebellious. I don't know.
Here goes with the list that may happen or may not happen in the so called activities that requires a lot of money, parents going nuts, and life risking.
Outdoor climbing - of course I haven't climb in ages, which explains all the fat and lack of stamina whenever I do any exercise.
skydive
alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571532765957204930" />
Sit at the beach and surf all day or maybe all week.
Go backpacking and hiking for a month (come to think of it, it would be hard when the time of the month comes- hygiene reasons) or at least a week..yeah... a week or two is ok
Try Snowboarding
the list goes on...
Yet again, the lists of things I would want to do that would make my parents go nuts. Not like I don't make them nuts everyday when I tell them that I am going out with my friends. I can't help it, I am quite different from my sisters, alright, quite different may be an understatement. I somehow feel like I have been raised by different sets of family at times, or maybe, I am the one who's being too rebellious. I don't know.
Here goes with the list that may happen or may not happen in the so called activities that requires a lot of money, parents going nuts, and life risking.
Outdoor climbing - of course I haven't climb in ages, which explains all the fat and lack of stamina whenever I do any exercise.
skydive
alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571532765957204930" />Sit at the beach and surf all day or maybe all week.
Go backpacking and hiking for a month (come to think of it, it would be hard when the time of the month comes- hygiene reasons) or at least a week..yeah... a week or two is ok
Try Snowboarding
the list goes on...
Sunday, February 6, 2011
first surfing experience
I went to Bali for 5 days and I have tried a new sport, an obvious one because I posted the picture above. Of course, I wasn't as good as the posted picture, I wish I was,but, I just started and I am not sure when I am going to do it again. I went to the surfing school and had an hour of free lesson.Which includes on how to balance and 3 steps of standing the right way. Within an hour I was able to stand on the board in the pool. So, I headed to the beach to experience the high tide waves.
The current of the ocean was so dense that it kept pulling me further in. Battling with the waves and the ocean was tiring and my trainer kept asking me "capek nggak" which means..."are you tired" in indonesian. I just nodded because I was saving my breathe for the next couple of waves to come. After a few hours of paddling, the waves became stronger and bigger, at that time, my trainer told me that I could already pick my own waves and paddle by myself without his guide.
I was so ambitious, I took the big wave, and I could here him yelling "ombaknya besar tu" which meant "that is a big wave" I just tried, though I could stand about a minute, I fell half way, due to lack of balance, I struggled in the water while rolling in. I find it quite funny because I felt like a ball pushed by the ocean,surprisingly the salt water didn't taste as bad. When I finally could stand up, I was far away from the trainer and my board was about a meter and a half away from me. I was too lazy to go all the way to take the board so, I pulled the string that was attached to my leg and the board for (safety reasons)and head back to the ocean, again battling with the current.
I think I felt the achievement when I stood the whole way from the ocean to the shore. Felt good because I think I may have attracted attention to the by standers as they applauded and cheered a few times when I surfed to shore.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
abroad?
I don't know why but, I had a dream that I was continuing my studies abroad. I was still here in malaysia, but, I was preparing and packing.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
thank you
I guess I never really thank my parents, sisters, aunties, uncles cousins, friends properly. I know I did not get any award for my graduation,but, I really could not have finished university without any of them. Especially my parents, they supported me, were the ones who are panicking when I gave up. Didn't listen to me, when I said "I think I need to repeat" or "I think I am going to fail this time".
I say that every single semester,but, they told me I could do it. Everyone around me said the same thing and believed that I could do it and surprisingly I did. So, I thank all of you. Especially friends who helped me with any photo shoots, ideas, transportation, shoulder to cry on etc. when I had the least amount of confidence in myself. To those who took the time to send me, pick me up from cyber to pj...pj to cyber. I would remember each and everyone of you and I would be there like how you've been there for me.I would have not graduated without all of you.
Maybe, graduation, might not be a big deal for you guys, but, for me, it is. Which is why I am typing all of this out.
I say that every single semester,but, they told me I could do it. Everyone around me said the same thing and believed that I could do it and surprisingly I did. So, I thank all of you. Especially friends who helped me with any photo shoots, ideas, transportation, shoulder to cry on etc. when I had the least amount of confidence in myself. To those who took the time to send me, pick me up from cyber to pj...pj to cyber. I would remember each and everyone of you and I would be there like how you've been there for me.I would have not graduated without all of you.
Maybe, graduation, might not be a big deal for you guys, but, for me, it is. Which is why I am typing all of this out.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
doc marts
i was watching TLC on astro and I just found out that I bought my doc marts shoes at the first doc marts store in the world....I don't know why I feel so happy
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
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