Today, my first day alone in Camp5....it was rather awkward as I am used to having my sister around. I did not say much to anyone, I just kept on climbing the auto belay and my arms were weak,so, half way on each wall is what i could do. The curly haired guy was there, I think he noticed me giggle when he was teaching the little kids climbing. He was damn adddoooooorrrable! Every time I go to Camp 5, he would be teaching the kids. Long wavy haired guy + kids = nabila melting. Well, ofcourse I did not say a damn word to him. He smiled, and I smiled at each other...I think thats about it. Nah, I was just lying to you...we didnt even smile together, but, we did kind of ate dinner together.

He sat on the table right behind me in the cafeteria and the kids there just LOVED him. Again, because kids can be funny at times, I giggled. I really really like it when he talks. His voice gets deep and he sounds like a stoner,but, its impossible to be stoned and teaching kids to climb. The only contact we had the whole damn day is when I struggled to get on to the auto belay. He pulled down the rope for me and I said thank you. He spoke to Raimy...why can't he speak to me!!!!! Me!!!!! I didnt see Raimy today, I guess he went home early and I was too late to catch him. If he was there I would have a climbing partner,but too bad nabila!

Next, is where the bad part of the story starts coming out. I went home with the bus, as usual, I had to wait for about one and a half hours. The bus was full, so, I had to stand. When I reached Kelana Jaya station, another creepy guy asked me questions where I quickly ran to the train. As I reached Paramount, it started drizzling, but, I thought I could make it home if I walked really fast. I was totally wrong, half way back, the rain started pouring like it was against me. I had no where to go as a shade, so, I had to stand somewhere near the Madrasah being soaked.

february the 14th

February the 14th, a day which most people with significant others would spend romantic outings together. I have to admit, even if I think it is overrated, how I wish it was last year. How I wish I could turn back time and love a person again. It is quite depressing to see others holding hands,getting special attention from the significant other. Oh, again, I am not being grateful. I am not fully cured...I still think about him, especially during valentines day. Yeah, it is pathetic! Very pathetic! It has been months!!!! fucking months! I don't want to be an old maid having countless cats at home. No! I don't want that. Why does he have to do those things...those stupid romantic sweet things! I cant forget!! I might sound like a whiny spoilt kid....as much as I really want to....it is damn hard to forget about him.

I tried, tried having a rebound,but, it does not work that way. As much as I thought I was strong physically in climbing, I thought I was strong at heart too. I thought by now, I am almost there and I was happy for myself just for awhile. Happy that finally! god! finally! I am free to let him go! but, I still look forward to see him online, I would still be happy if I get to talk to him. Id instantly would be a perky daft girl if I see him online. I should not feel happy! no! I am afraid of deleting him from messenger, because I am afraid that Id loose the contact...any contact with him...which I don't want. He has a bloody girlfriend...!!!! argh!


Enough! I went out with my friends, which was quite pleasant. Shareen is going away,so, we decided to gather around. I could not stop laughing as Linda, Kat and Sarah was making jokes, especially in the car. I forgot about him for awhile when I was with them, I am glad that I went out with them. I really am glad.

Pessimistic

I seriously want to get out of this place (malaysia). Why couldn't I just be calm when my ex broke up with me, I'd be nearly gone by now. I really do not know why I feel quite lost, I feel like an expatriate in my own country. I know that it is me who needs to change, I have to admit I am quite annoying. I doubt that anyone close to me would think that it would be pleasant having me around. I am not a good child nor am I a good friend. I have no idea what I am good at,but, I know I must be good at something,despite, all the sinful things in life. Alright, this is the point where I scream my head out silently. I can feel the atmosphere around me, it is full of awkwardness. I thought I am about to find myself,but, the truth is, I am no where near finding me.

I can't sit still at home, meaning, I CANNOT sit at home,even in one day. Why? I hate the fact that my dad nag's all the time, my ear hurts, and it makes me feel very hostile and depressed. I sometimes walk alone, but, when I walk alone I feel empty. Here is the deal, I am NEVER satisfied with anything AT ALL. I do not know how to be grateful. I am damn spoilt, that I know. Without realizing, I do get what I want. I seriously have no purpose in life. I don't even know what I can be, I am just studying so that I can finish my degree and move on to the next level. I thought I can be an artist, I thought I could draw and paint,but, I am wrong about it. I need to stop praising people, but, I really do not know how. I need to stop saying yes to everything, because it would just lead me into trouble.

I constantly think, I never stop thinking,which is why when I walk I don't listen to others because my head has gone to the Lala world. When I think, I wont remember where I put my things because I am friggin forgetful. Nothing is ever right with me, I am always clumsy. I am also very irresponsible. Sometimes, I feel like staying in a bubble so that people won't know who I am because the real me is just ugly. When I complain about other people, I know sometimes its not just the person, I contribute to the situation too alot. I do not want to go to this path again, because this is the path where I would just be down to the ground. I do not know how to be organized because everytime I try to be organized I would end up not being organized at all.
I am easily influenced, because I bloody have to please the whole world. I know I choose to be who I am, but, right now, I do not know how to change. I want to, I really do, I hate who I am. I hate how I turned up to be. If I hate myself how can I expect others to like me. I bloody try to look good,but, its not how I look, its how I present myself, its my inner-self. If I bloody have to be friggin pessimistic all the time. How can I succeed in life. Argh! I think from now I should just lay low until I am totally stable.

My grandma Fatimah

This picture right here is my grandmother, she has passed away for long,but , I still remember her. Notice how stern she looks. Ofcourse I adore both of my grandmothers,they are both strong and charismatic. No words can say what she did to my family, she has absolute woman power. I just would like to write about her because I need to remind myself that being strong is part of my blood. Her name is Fatimah, I do not know when she was born,because I forgot.She's not pure malay,nyonya is what she is. She is a mother to my father, and she gave birth to seven children. Why I think her character is important to me is because, she is the first wife of four. My late grandfather had four wives and among the other three wives he had 5 to 6 more children.

My grandmother took care of some of the children that was not really hers. She just could not care less about my grandfather and went on with her life. She raised the kids by selling currypuff, mee, etc. When she knew she had little money she went to the pawn shop to sell off her gold accessories for her kids to study. I know this might sound familiar to some of you guys,but, it matters for me now, because while i was wallowing about my ex, I should remember that my grandmother would feel disappointed of me when she sees me cry about a guy. What I heard from my cousins is that my grandmother burnt all of my grandfathers pictures. I have never seen my grandfather before,he passed away even before I was born.

When my eldest sister was still in MRSM,Muar, I remember her telling my sister "bila orang politik datang untuk bagi ceramah,jangan dengar,cakap nak kena pergi tandas,tak tahan" which means "when any of the politician comes , do not listen, tell them that you need to go to the loo, tell them you cant hold it in anymore". She never trusts politicians, she had experience with all of them back when she was one of the head of Putri UMNO.She quit because too much of corruption was coming in, well not as much as now, but, still back than, it was coming in already. I think from now, I would have to remember how her reaction would be like if she sees me being weak. Her eyes would be wide, and her lips would be tucked inside her mouth as it is she looks like a mafia in this picture. She is a fun grandmother, I played congkak with her when I was small, she's very supersticious and conservative,but, she really knows how to spoil her grandchildren.

psychotic behavior = shrink

Another entry that consist of words with no pictures. My blog is my soft diary, I write things about feelings,addiction,grief etc. more of a therapy I think. Rather than talking to a shrink that would just write (god knows what) and pouring out my parents money like its some kind of water. I wonder what my shrink writes about me in her file, because it seems like she writes alot when I talk. Probably within the lines of "this girl, is a pain in the arse! nevermind as long as her father pays me and I give her advice that her own friends can tell her,it would be fine". It must be good being a shrink, you learn medic for years and all you do now is listening to psychotic people,asking them questions,tell them that they have problems such as "hey, you have bipolar", give them heavy drugs so they can be more miserable, they come to you more often and get hundreds out of only one patient.

I wonder now, how sane is sane? I question sanity almost every time I have an appointment with the shrink. I look at people and they seem normal, but, no one is really normal, not really,no. Notice how we can walk in a city full of people and identify crazy homeless people in the streets. That person, that we think is crazy, shouting his lungs out, talking to himself, I give credit to who ever the person is,why you may ask? well, probably because he/she dares to do so, without being ashamed. I bet most people would love doing so, but, it is just not proper and yes, people would say things. Why do we care anyway? what is in the publics mind and concious that bothers people who screams and talks to themselves at the streets. My opinion, I think everyone has a psychological problem. When I say everyone, I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE of us.

lalalla...weddy?...fairygal?

My cousin is getting married this coming May first,that would be labor day. I got a message from her on facebook, I have to admit, I am quite disturbed by how she talks. She is my cousin,but, I am sorry she speaks like she's talking to a 3 year old,now, I am not sure if this woman is getting married or still stuck in her fairy tale land, thinking that marriage is probably her dream and that people do not get divorced (knock on wood) but, gosh! wake up wommon! I am not that close to her, never was. I know I am close to most,but, not this one. Gosh I hope she does not know that my blog exist! I would feel guilty,but, I still cant help it.

I am not going to go into detail on how the message went because it is long and it gave me chills, I am however going to tell you how she talks in the message. She said she needs couzy couzy helpy for her weddy.....I am not 5 and she wants me to be her fairygal? I seriously do not understand baby talk, in here she said fairygal is the modern way of saying hantaran girl. Hmph, "fairygal" and "hantaran girl" ??????sjkhisehfkejdjhgsfjdhsfjhzsdjasgjsehglfjkglkdf what?!

wall climbing

Alright, this whole climbing thing is REAALLY REAALLY addictive, you just one to achieve one thing after another and another,plus, when you've reach the top, you feel as though you've accomplished something in your life. Even if you see little kids climbing faster than you and climbing 6a and 6b(grade of hardness of wall to climb) at the age of 9, you would still feel good that you are able to climb that far. I am new at this sport, very new indeed,but, I just would like to share my thoughts about this sport.
It is quite dangerous,that I would have to say and agree on, when you are up there you have mixed feelings of anxiousness,scared,surprised,and excitement.

Imagine yourself wanting to go on a roller coaster ride,when you are cueing and waiting for your turn,you feel nervous of how it would be like,but at the same time you want to go and when you are actually at the roller coaster ride. A sudden change of mind, saying that you want to turn back,but, you just cant because you're already there,its all a thrill, ofcourse, but the adrenaline of it all made it worth all the experience. That is how I feel about climbing,only that you have to achieve higher with climbing and also, that it doesnt go as fast as a roller coaster ride. I just wanted you as viewers to know.
Having cuts here and there, bruised, is just one thing that

That reminds me though.Whatever happened to my license! gosh!

stage girl

As I walk upon the stage,
I feel as though I am the only one,
cold and nervous like the beach at night,
sometimes the heart is static,
it beats one at a time, only slowly,
almost as if it does not want to,
when will it go? the thorns,
I put my strength to reach out the above,
gradually, hoping to seek for the better,
praying not to fall as i reach,
being bolder is what I should do.