the updates of the lasts

I have been quite absent with my blog and sharing my thoughts in here.
Perhaps, I should write and save my friends
the space of the sound of my annoying voice.
Ultimately, I have been trying to make ends meat, but, it is quite a process.
My sisters and parents are getting
quite impatient with myself because I haven't
tried to give my resume to any soul.
I am not quite sure why and what I am afraid of to
be frank. If I do get a decent
job than all my expenses shall be paid off,
ofcourse it is not guaranteed.

I have gotten myself a bb and haven't touched my laptop ever since.
Poor Ben (that is the name that I personally gave to my laptop...
it is sad..but, even sad to know
that it is true). I guess that is it at the moment, I haven't
any agenda's or whatsoever. I am just constantly thinking of ways for me
to not be lazy and be successful and earn as much as possible,but,
I am waaaaaaaay too far behind. I just hope that I wouldn't get out of
breathe chasing and give up before the finish line...if so, I would definitely
be furious and devistated with myself and there goes my confidence.
marriage would be the last and utmost latest result for me.

numb

It is strange that I feel numbness when it comes to liking someone.

massive

This isn't working...I need to make the next massive move....test the waters again and just dive in...I don't care if I need to restart and I don't care if my parents or family approve or disapprove my next decision...if I fail...than, I would have to pick myself up again and go on...this whole thing about beating myself up has gotta stop.

I have to be firm and stop being afraid to be firm. The fear of being firm is the reason why I am beating myself up all the time. I really need to learn how to stop pleasing the goddamn world and just say whatever it is in my head. There isn't only one colour in this world and not every colour would match, therefore, if it doesn't match, it doesn't mean it is wrong, it just means that I need to find the right colour all over again...even if it means picking through every single code.

not to - old maid

I was hanging out with my friends and they asked me how many exes that I had...it was funny because I can't really remember how many i had and it is ironic because at this moment and time at the age of 22 with all the exes that I have got before...I have none at the moment...and no one seems to be attracted to this hag...which is bad...because I am not even that old yet and already I have turned into a hag.

This is really a bad habit of mine...I used to have at least one or two guys that I could at least flirt with...but, no guy is interested with me or maybe I am not interested to have any flirtatious go ons. Most of my exes are married or getting married...well, I don't have any intention to marry anyone at the moment. I am still young (or rather think I am young)...I just maybe want a decent likable interest of chemistry with a special someone...a significant other perhaps might be the option.

Though, I have to admit that I am not to keen or proud of my past with the exes. Those were terrible days and I would like to bury those moments never to return just to bring the experience with me...not to repeat it again. I guess I would just have to pray to the Almighty that I would have a decent guy who would love the twisted me the way that I am and not to be a cranky old maid with 100 cats and dogs in the house.

kambate to me

I have one work that requires physical strength and one requires alot of creativity. I am both physically and mentally drained. Another 24++ hours wake up marathon for me...hope I can do this...I need to stay strong and work harder...I already felt like fainting yesterday but, thats just cause I didn't eat and didn't stop working in both starbucks and doing the brochure. I think I just need to push harder and stay more focused. Three people have asked me for my portfolio and I haven't the time to send it to them. This is not an excuse...I am being serious...I need to compile and design the lay out of my portfolio before I send it to them. double triple *sigh* again to myself Kambate

overwhelmed

Alright, I am gonna stay up literally for 24 hours hours. I had 8 hours of work and I have another work...but, I wanted this. I wanted to work hard...so, I have to do it! Kambate to myself

you that is they

I have been mislead and misused
by those who are carefully designed
with the physic softness, tenderness and care
oh, how naive I can get
they carry knives, axes, nails
carved and planed sharply
pretending to be naive as I
they hide it behind me
slowly throwing bits of sharp objects
"not them" they would say
but, they laugh with joy
slowly they would past by me
this time, with sharper objects
"not them" they would say again
until one day, I saw them
one day they killed me
the person inside me
with every sharp object they can find
how painful it was
for every pain that I received
they would feel a sense of joy
I tried and tried to find a cure
but they kept coming to haunt me
and crave to kill me again