What I am, What I could be, What I aim to be

 While I was driving back with the window on my side and the passengers side down, I could feel the wind through, flowing as the breeze passing through my face and I could almost smell the freshness of the air. I felt so free, I felt so relaxed. Today was a great day, it is a Sunday, not remembering that tomorrow is yet another stressful Monday. The day of the dragging feet, it is when the blues of working starts and I am not the only one who would feel it. This would be an obvious observation, I do not need statistics to prove what I just said.

Whenever I feel stressed I get overwhelmed, I get anxious, I don't like that about me, but, somehow, I can't help it. Which is why I sometimes blank my head out so that I don't think too much. I frequently do, constantly! People might think that I am unaware and I have air in my head almost all the time, but, in fact, I almost want things to place perfectly that I get frustrated with myself if I don't do it according to how things should be. Hence, the reason why I blank myself out so that I don't have to think of it too too much.

My aim is to be successful, I strive for it. I work extremely hard for it. I REALLY DO! I wouldn't be bothered to stay up all night if not so. I wouldn't be bothered to hog three jobs in a year if I don't. I sometimes like making myself seem as though I don't know anything particularly with friends because they assume that I am just this blur person, but, within the exterior of blankness, there is much thought. I hang around with people with a purpose of knowing people, so that I would get the hands on experience of how each of the people I meet.

Though, I am not that structured, but, I do remember how people treat me, good or bad, I would relate so that I can place that into my environment of work. This might sound crazy, but, I have been doing this for ages, this has been since high school. Believe it or not, I placed drama or made myself involve in drama's in school and college because I knew that I had to handle it when I grew older. I get stressed too fast, therefore, if I have handled the same kind of situation in school, I figured, I can handle it better when I work.

I am not sure how, but, I did purposely did whatever I wanted in school because I knew I wouldn't get the chance to taste whatever youth that I had if I work. This was slightly foolish because I do wish I studied well. Now, I regret slightly, but I don't crave for anymore much youth fun as I did. So, I guess it took effect in a positive way somehow.

I crave of learning. I want to be better, and I want to know more of anything. Anything new, and I have realized now that I don't really much time for it. I somehow feel as though I can get greedy with the knowledge I lack. Part of the reason is that I didn't concentrate all too well at school or college that I felt that I NEED to learn, I want to learn and I HAVE to learn.

Now that I am in the corporate world. It is as confusing as a spiders web and the politics is beyond how I imagined it would be that it scares me. I don't think I am well prepared, I am like a new recruit going to a war without an armor and just blunt knives as a weapon. Every move you make counts, every word you say might be used against you, if you have made a decision you would have to be full on right, if it is the wrong decision, you would honestly get shot, it is either you would be hurt in a slow death or you would die in an instant. That is just an interpretation or metaphor of how I observed and feel as though it is like in the corporate world. Which is why I think I lack knowledge, the skills that I provide is nothing but a pinch of salt placed in the wrong food. Does that make sense? Well, whatever it is, I need to STEP UP!

I go to the gym so that I could feel better of myself. My confidence was so low that I realized that I have to act on it. I need to find accomplishment so that I can stay positive. Sometimes, I feel proud just by dragging my feet to the gym. Its the little things that I realize matters to improve myself internally. I took drumming class so I could feel a certain growth towards music. All these I think is necessary for my career, you might think that it is not related, but, I have bipolar. I need to keep myself at pace so that I keep on moving.

I CANNOT afford to feel sad or depressed because if I feel that way, for a week, I will never go anywhere and I KNOW I can do ALOT of things. I am not just a person people push around. I have SO many things that I am capable of but people just don't see. I just need to try to push harder, strive harder, stay focus, try to be organize and have discipline. If I have all those, I know that by than, I would be successful.

That is that.