kambate to me

I have one work that requires physical strength and one requires alot of creativity. I am both physically and mentally drained. Another 24++ hours wake up marathon for me...hope I can do this...I need to stay strong and work harder...I already felt like fainting yesterday but, thats just cause I didn't eat and didn't stop working in both starbucks and doing the brochure. I think I just need to push harder and stay more focused. Three people have asked me for my portfolio and I haven't the time to send it to them. This is not an excuse...I am being serious...I need to compile and design the lay out of my portfolio before I send it to them. double triple *sigh* again to myself Kambate

overwhelmed

Alright, I am gonna stay up literally for 24 hours hours. I had 8 hours of work and I have another work...but, I wanted this. I wanted to work hard...so, I have to do it! Kambate to myself

you that is they

I have been mislead and misused
by those who are carefully designed
with the physic softness, tenderness and care
oh, how naive I can get
they carry knives, axes, nails
carved and planed sharply
pretending to be naive as I
they hide it behind me
slowly throwing bits of sharp objects
"not them" they would say
but, they laugh with joy
slowly they would past by me
this time, with sharper objects
"not them" they would say again
until one day, I saw them
one day they killed me
the person inside me
with every sharp object they can find
how painful it was
for every pain that I received
they would feel a sense of joy
I tried and tried to find a cure
but they kept coming to haunt me
and crave to kill me again

hmph

ok...tak jadi...but atleast i tried

my vacation with friends

I am truly lost at this point. Although I went for a vacation for three days and two nights with my friends. I still feel a bit lost. I did like the vacation, loved the beach, the company and also the adventure. I had motion sickness while I was in the boat, at first I thought it was because I was tired, but, it was the same through out most of the boat rides. I didn't want to gross anyone out with puking so I had to make my brain,ear and body stable. It got to a point where I could still feel the boat shaking when I was on the bed trying to sleep. It was our first trip together and I hope it is not the last.

hoping to forget

Somehow, it is hard to forget major things that happened in your life. Especially when you want to talk to someone about it and hope that at least one person would understand,but, I know that as long as the person hasn't gone through it, they wouldn't know what it feels or how it was.

Some days, you feel like sharing, but, when you want to pour it out, you would eventually hold back because there would never be a right timing for it. Even if you do tell them, you would know what they would say, because no one would know how to react to it. The reason is simple, because they haven't been there. It is fairly inappropriate for them too, that must be understood.

Which makes you feel so alone as you have no choice but to keep it in you. Telling yourself to be strong, day by day, week by week and living life, making it interesting so that you would feel good about yourself again.

Knowing that it was the past, you try harder to forget, by keeping yourself busy with hobbies. Hoping that it would be discarded,but, eventually it would never be gone, at least not permanently though. Even if you've told people, just for the sake of making your life at ease, you can't help but to feel judged after that.

what if i am a boy

This is strange and stupid of me,but, I was walking around the house and ignoring the furnitures in the house, because it doesn't fascinate me that much anymore as I have seen it practically everyday. Unless if I go to one of the drawers and take things out from it and find something that is interesting or something that would make me reminisce, but, that would just make a mess out of the place and I would have to put everything back and I am in no mood for that as I am always being a sloth.

Anyway, when I was walking around the house, I wondered, what would happen if I am a boy. Not that it is possible or that I wanted so much to be one. I just wondered, I like to wonder daft things like that sometimes, than when someone asked me anything. I would just go numb and say slow things like "huh" "what" or repeat the wrong things, that annoys people a lot sometimes, I can tell, but, it annoys me too because they would just give up and I would wonder what they said before.

Right now, me being myself as a girl, my love life has become nonchalant. I am not sure if any guy at all likes me, before, when I was in high school, at least there were signs of guys who liked me and it was pretty obvious too, but, now, I just don't know anything, like no one I know gave any signs or whatsoever. So, if I am a boy, would I have a girlfriend by now? Would I treat girls nicely? Would I have curfews like I have right now? Which school would I go to? An old boys school or a co-ad school? Would I get bullied or be the bullier? Would I be a nerd, a geek, or a cool guy that hangs around with cool crowds? Would I be alright with two elder sisters? The questions would go on without any stop. Of course, the questions would not go anywhere because it will never exist.

These things are pointless and a waste of my small brain space. I don't know why I typed it all out. I guess I just wanted to share and figured my mind would be off it somehow and maybe, the days of thinking brainlessly at night before I go to sleep would go today.