my last post would be on the 15th. I really didn't bother to switch on my computer or laptop and clicking while typing away since. I did have an attempt, but, the attempt would all churn away by a handful of distractions. So, what has been up? or in this case, what has been down? Well, first of all, I have sent my resignation letter towards the coffee shop, and there goes my 30 percent privilege which isn't as important. My parents are on a trip over the sea and across a few lands to Italy and Sarajevo and I haven't any job.
I shall say that it would be hard for me to type away and regather all my thoughts as it has been quite a full blown of emotional blast of all the emotions combined. Apart from my parents surprisingly showing me the will before they left, I could feel the tension of my whole family. I remember that I wanted so much to be an adult when I was in school, but, now, I'd rather be in school. I'd rather get tormented by prefects and at the same time getting lectures by teachers. Which I think, to be fair, is not all sunshine, rainbows and butterflies.
Did I mention too that I am seeing a new shrink? no? well, I am. He is young, so, I hope that he would understand me more than the two other women that helped me a notch. So far, I am restricting myself from staying in my room and being a blob sleeping in my ridiculously high framed bed. Hyping myself up to go out without even having any form of engagements nor events. Which to say is a success because as the shrink would tell me that he thinks "I am doing a good job" that surprises me, by that, he means that I am going out relentlessly regardless of being emotionally inapt and at the same time finding an invisible job that comes from the air. I think that is enough blabbing for the whole day or perhaps week probably month. I shall continue when I feel like continuing, as for now, I shall go to sleep and have whatever my mind would think it shall give me, which is to say a dream or a nightmare or both combined.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
more sappy stories
Hey there bloggiee...somehow, I haven't been blogging for
quite awhile now...blogging through my bb because I feel abit too
tired to switch my laptop on. A lot of things has and have happened,
I am resigning from the coffee shop as it brings out too much
politics for a part-time job and plus, I just wanted to work to feel the
God knows what void that I have been feeling.
I think too much and have beaten myself up too much.I practically beat
myself up in everything that I do which is totally uncool and unhealthy. I
really find it hard to give myself a pat on the back if I have done something
that is good. I somehow force myself to work so that I wouldn't stay idle and
force myself to go out with friends so that I don't just feel lazy at home.
I am a graduate,but, I don't feel like I am one. Infact, I feel the opposite.
Gosh I sound like an ungrateful bitch,but, its true.
quite awhile now...blogging through my bb because I feel abit too
tired to switch my laptop on. A lot of things has and have happened,
I am resigning from the coffee shop as it brings out too much
politics for a part-time job and plus, I just wanted to work to feel the
God knows what void that I have been feeling.
I think too much and have beaten myself up too much.I practically beat
myself up in everything that I do which is totally uncool and unhealthy. I
really find it hard to give myself a pat on the back if I have done something
that is good. I somehow force myself to work so that I wouldn't stay idle and
force myself to go out with friends so that I don't just feel lazy at home.
I am a graduate,but, I don't feel like I am one. Infact, I feel the opposite.
Gosh I sound like an ungrateful bitch,but, its true.
more sappy stories
Hey there bloggiee...somehow, I haven't been blogging for
quite awhile now...blogging through my bb because I feel abit too
tired to switch my laptop on. A lot of things has and have happened,
I am resigning from the coffee shop as it brings out too much
politics for a part-time job and plus, I just wanted to work to feel the
God knows what void that I have been feeling.
I think too much and have beaten myself up too much.I practically beat
myself up in everything that I do which is totally uncool and unhealthy. I
really find it hard to give myself a pat on the back if I have done something
that is good. I somehow force myself to work so that I wouldn't stay idle and
force myself to go out with friends so that I don't just feel lazy at home.
I am a graduate,but, I don't feel like I am one. Infact, I feel the opposite.
Gosh I sound like an ungrateful bitch,but, its true.
quite awhile now...blogging through my bb because I feel abit too
tired to switch my laptop on. A lot of things has and have happened,
I am resigning from the coffee shop as it brings out too much
politics for a part-time job and plus, I just wanted to work to feel the
God knows what void that I have been feeling.
I think too much and have beaten myself up too much.I practically beat
myself up in everything that I do which is totally uncool and unhealthy. I
really find it hard to give myself a pat on the back if I have done something
that is good. I somehow force myself to work so that I wouldn't stay idle and
force myself to go out with friends so that I don't just feel lazy at home.
I am a graduate,but, I don't feel like I am one. Infact, I feel the opposite.
Gosh I sound like an ungrateful bitch,but, its true.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The LOVE experienve
Let me tell you about my experience with love and how I perceive it. Love, as you might see is a wonderful caring and thoughtful feeling. Act of kindness, giving, a strong bond between you, your mother, father, sisters,son, daughter, brothers, wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend whoever you might have a strong affection or compassion on. It is what makes you do crazy and unthinkable things for a person...sometimes to the extant of dying for the person in order to protect him/her.
Love isn't any feeling, it is all the emotions and feelings combined together. No matter how you prepare your heart, with love, you can collapse in any moment. Like me, love, is somehow, bipolar. It is what makes you feel warm, protective, gentle, generous, kind, float and mostly everything that is pleasant that you can ever think of.
At the same time, love can also be bitter, sour, cold, cruel, blind and everything that is unkind. When this happens, your heart would just drop and your soul would be hanging upside down and no one has ever told you or warn you about these feelings in love. This would also make your heart and your brain detached from one another and therefore, would eventually make you confused, angry, sad, betrayed etc. These feelings would go with anyone you care for, no matter who it is.
We have a brain to think on what is wrong or right, but, what is so brilliant and at the same time dangerous about love is. It makes you do things beyond the regular. When you loose a child for instance, you would carry on searching for the child and trade your life if your child is in danger. I admire the gift of God in this emotion and feeling.
Love isn't any feeling, it is all the emotions and feelings combined together. No matter how you prepare your heart, with love, you can collapse in any moment. Like me, love, is somehow, bipolar. It is what makes you feel warm, protective, gentle, generous, kind, float and mostly everything that is pleasant that you can ever think of.
At the same time, love can also be bitter, sour, cold, cruel, blind and everything that is unkind. When this happens, your heart would just drop and your soul would be hanging upside down and no one has ever told you or warn you about these feelings in love. This would also make your heart and your brain detached from one another and therefore, would eventually make you confused, angry, sad, betrayed etc. These feelings would go with anyone you care for, no matter who it is.
We have a brain to think on what is wrong or right, but, what is so brilliant and at the same time dangerous about love is. It makes you do things beyond the regular. When you loose a child for instance, you would carry on searching for the child and trade your life if your child is in danger. I admire the gift of God in this emotion and feeling.
Monday, July 18, 2011
pass license yeay
Hey Hey!!! I am happy to say that I have gotten my car license after failing on the road ones. I got lucky this time thanks to the awesome JPJ tester :D
Now, I am spiritually motivated to find me a more stable job. Although, I think I have to stay at home more to spend time cleaning up the space in the room so that it wouldn't effect my work that much.
Like I said before, everything, would take a bit of time, bad or good it would eventually fall in its place :D I don't think the environment in starbucks is all that bad or all that good either. I am sure you are confused by now, but, sadly, that's a fact.
I am in my mid-year now, therefore, I have to strive more too, to achieve the goals that I have in my head...no one would actually understand why I work part time in starbucks when I have a degree...but, I think it is enough for me myself to understand. Incubus would be this Saturdaay!!! I CAN'T FRIGGIN WAIT!
This whole post would not have anything related to one another...I would just write whatever it is in my scattered brain...eh like my room...my room is all scattered with junk and stuff...I have low confidence like nobodies business...I am clueless as on how to regain the confidence...I need to tell myself that I have achieved alot...which I think it is...but, it is not proven in black or white...haish
Now, I am spiritually motivated to find me a more stable job. Although, I think I have to stay at home more to spend time cleaning up the space in the room so that it wouldn't effect my work that much.
Like I said before, everything, would take a bit of time, bad or good it would eventually fall in its place :D I don't think the environment in starbucks is all that bad or all that good either. I am sure you are confused by now, but, sadly, that's a fact.
I am in my mid-year now, therefore, I have to strive more too, to achieve the goals that I have in my head...no one would actually understand why I work part time in starbucks when I have a degree...but, I think it is enough for me myself to understand. Incubus would be this Saturdaay!!! I CAN'T FRIGGIN WAIT!
This whole post would not have anything related to one another...I would just write whatever it is in my scattered brain...eh like my room...my room is all scattered with junk and stuff...I have low confidence like nobodies business...I am clueless as on how to regain the confidence...I need to tell myself that I have achieved alot...which I think it is...but, it is not proven in black or white...haish
Friday, July 8, 2011
car license update
The following update would be...me getting my
driver's license. I know I have been talking about it
in ages,but, this is my final driving exam. I have
a complete mixed feelings of being excited and being
as nervous as a mad cow.
Tomorrow would be my last day of class. I hope I
would use my two hours of class in full use.
I really don't want to fail this class as I need the
license. I already feel the guilt of my friends
picking and sending me back whenever we hang.
Me driving would be a huge change for once...and
whenever there's a roadtrip I'd be willing to drive ;)
driver's license. I know I have been talking about it
in ages,but, this is my final driving exam. I have
a complete mixed feelings of being excited and being
as nervous as a mad cow.
Tomorrow would be my last day of class. I hope I
would use my two hours of class in full use.
I really don't want to fail this class as I need the
license. I already feel the guilt of my friends
picking and sending me back whenever we hang.
Me driving would be a huge change for once...and
whenever there's a roadtrip I'd be willing to drive ;)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
the updates of the lasts
I have been quite absent with my blog and sharing my thoughts in here.
Perhaps, I should write and save my friends
the space of the sound of my annoying voice.
Ultimately, I have been trying to make ends meat, but, it is quite a process.
My sisters and parents are getting
quite impatient with myself because I haven't
tried to give my resume to any soul.
I am not quite sure why and what I am afraid of to
be frank. If I do get a decent
job than all my expenses shall be paid off,
ofcourse it is not guaranteed.
I have gotten myself a bb and haven't touched my laptop ever since.
Poor Ben (that is the name that I personally gave to my laptop...
it is sad..but, even sad to know
that it is true). I guess that is it at the moment, I haven't
any agenda's or whatsoever. I am just constantly thinking of ways for me
to not be lazy and be successful and earn as much as possible,but,
I am waaaaaaaay too far behind. I just hope that I wouldn't get out of
breathe chasing and give up before the finish line...if so, I would definitely
be furious and devistated with myself and there goes my confidence.
marriage would be the last and utmost latest result for me.
Perhaps, I should write and save my friends
the space of the sound of my annoying voice.
Ultimately, I have been trying to make ends meat, but, it is quite a process.
My sisters and parents are getting
quite impatient with myself because I haven't
tried to give my resume to any soul.
I am not quite sure why and what I am afraid of to
be frank. If I do get a decent
job than all my expenses shall be paid off,
ofcourse it is not guaranteed.
I have gotten myself a bb and haven't touched my laptop ever since.
Poor Ben (that is the name that I personally gave to my laptop...
it is sad..but, even sad to know
that it is true). I guess that is it at the moment, I haven't
any agenda's or whatsoever. I am just constantly thinking of ways for me
to not be lazy and be successful and earn as much as possible,but,
I am waaaaaaaay too far behind. I just hope that I wouldn't get out of
breathe chasing and give up before the finish line...if so, I would definitely
be furious and devistated with myself and there goes my confidence.
marriage would be the last and utmost latest result for me.
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