That time of the year

Second day of Raya / Eid. Staring at the blank page that will be filled by myself. The fact of a matter is, it doesn't matter what I write or how many people have read or would even glance of this particular post. Nonetheless, I am writing because it just seem like that moment and time where I think I should. Raya routine is about the same to me, to be frank, this year, I just felt like I wanted to stay at home and just try to reflect on the things that have happened,but, that would be extremely unfair to my family and to myself. My inner bipolar was talking to me again with sloppy negative remarks about myself. It was saying "what are you celebrating? you haven't done anything" or "yeah, it is a festive occasion, but, what did you do that was so great that made you deserve to celebrate?". Rather, it was daunting, I brushed it off when I woke up, because when I went for prayers, I realized that it wasn't about me.

For some people, Eid is the only time they get to see their family or to wear fancy clothes as that is the only day that they get to spend their money. I was being too dismissive, all the self beating up was for nothing. I realized that the world is not within what I wanted or feel and if I didn't celebrate I would be rotten. I see people all the time and get flustered on how they are, but, I have become one of those that I solely have taken a toll on in my brains and I questioned myself. For 25 years my family and I have celebrated this day, why the sudden gloominess, it is not that I don't have a family to celebrate with. I have them, I love them and they love me. They anticipate the day and for myself to be with them, why all the questions? I just had to be happy and appear, that is not a chore, everything is organized.

So, as usual, I went to my grandfather's house (it was always the first and have always been that way even when he was still living 5 minutes away from my house). I haven't seen him in more than a month, during, fasting month, I have been too occupied to drive or to see him, but, when I saw him, everything made sense. His smile when he saw all of us together going into his house, made me forget what I felt, just made me feel as though I was dumb to think of all those earlier.  He is always happy when we gather, there is a certain warmness when we gather as a family. All of that, but, something happened yesterday that broke my heart and at the same time made me exceptionally furious. My cousin and my father had a dispute ( I didn't know exactly what happened) but, all I know in the end was my father was hurt and was partly bleeding. I thank God it wasn't a bad injury, but, I just hate the fact that my cousin could even do that to my dear father and what escalated my anger was the fact that none of the uncles stood by and protect my father. In fact, I was told to ask the other cousin that was there towards the end of what happened. I just couldn't believe that everyone could pretend later that nothing happened. I had to pave through and smile through and swallow the anger. I wish I could be more calm about things but, I can't because what kind of a person hits a 60 year old man.

We had to let it go, but, I posted a couple of things in facebook so that he knows that I don't see him as a cousin, would be childish of me, but, I just wish I could have hit his face with a rock or something (thank God I didn't). Next visit was to the hospital. My uncle (my father's little brother) has been in the hospital for about 3 months and I haven't seen him in about 3 years. I saw him yesterday and I could see that my father was trying to distract himself of the disconsolate feeling that he had. I too felt that at that moment till off today, but, I just don't know what to do. I just tried to make him feel as though we were present to him, but, we haven't been there for years and what kind of position am I to suddenly make his pain all go away. He was sick and depressed, so is his wife because her husband is sick and they have lost a child years ago. I just wish at that moment they would feel at least relief that we were there, but, God only knows.

Compilation of the mid year 2014

We are now moving onwards and this would be mid of the year 2014. Time has never been on our side, but, oh, wow don’t we know that already? While I walk, run, stumble, jump over or by this year, I have realized this year has been rather eventful for me (at least up to the mid). I had a rough patch over the first few months of the year, due to work and I am glad that I have made it to get away from wherever I was that was not making me happy.

I taught myself to be more independent or at least force myself to be self sufficient and I am glad to say that I have made myself proud by achieving certain things that I thought I will not be able to do.

End of last year, a friend of mine, invited me to join him for a run. At first, I felt rather reluctant as I am no runner and to be honest, I have never imagined myself going for long runs as I am very slow, but, I was quite surprised that I could actually feel the adrenaline and in the end, enjoyed myself. Of course, my friend was waaay ahead of me, that did not matter, because on that day, I knew that I wasn’t that bad and I knew that I could do something that I could never imagine I would do.

The friend who invited me to go for my first run (this picture is taken for our second run)

I almost forgot and this I add after I have published this post. The fact that I landed myself on a short part time job of being the supervisor for Laureus Awards. There is no evidence of it though, but, I had so much fun and was extremely thankful for the opportunity. I didn't even know I would even get the job! Than received a call from my cousin's friend, it was a prank, he said I didn't get it, but, he called me back and told me that he was just kidding and said that I was the supervisor. I feel sorry that I did a lot of glitch, but, it was a well worth experience. I have never in my life seen sooo many superstars in my life, to be frank, I didn't even take them as stars. I just treated all of them like how I would with most guests, it just hit me after they leave that I had the privilege to see Benedict Cumberbatch and Jamie Foxx walking/standing next to me. 



Perhaps my sister getting married and me having a new brother in law would also be the highlight. I am not going to write on how they met or how they perhaps decided to get married, but, it was quite quick, guess they knew they were suited for each other. I am also glad, they have each other now, also on the flip side I might get to go to the US and visit them often..ngeeeheeee.

Second Sister, Brother in law and I

Taken when I was contemplating on whether or not to run in thick haze

From that day onwards, I started to join one run after another, until I finished a half marathon IN A THICK HAZE. I don’t think I can ever forget what I went through, it was extremely hazy, I thought I wouldn’t be able to make it or just give up altogether. Again, I was wrong about myself. I learned that you just should start, no matter how you think you can’t, because no one will know what you go through except you alone. It is true that you can get all the support you need, but, you should know that you can never accomplish anything unless you start doing something. The moment I stepped on to the finish line, I felt a sudden rush going through my body. I just couldn’t believe I could go through of miles walking and running.

The registration number I ran for : she said she wasn't ready to run a half, so, I kinda filled in for her.

I have learned too that friends change and you do too. I guess, that would just be part of growing. The people you used to hang everyday might not always be there, but, deep inside they would always be your friend and it is vital to understand that they are trying to develop themselves as much as you. At the same time, you would have friends who support you completely, the people that you don’t realize would hold your back when you need to lean against so that you will not fall further. I have never confronted these people, but, they have taught me the values of friendship with sincerity and it opened my eyes in a more positive outlook. I am not sure if it is ego (perhaps, it is), but, I don’t think they know of how much I am grateful to have them as a friend.

This was when I didn't know that the hike would be a serious hike.

Last two weeks, I had an adventure, two friends of mine invited me to go for hiking. I didn’t know that the terrain would be tough. I just somehow anticipated it abit, I bought shoes (which didn’t work because I kept slipping as it didn’t grip and also I am not the most coordinative person in the world…yes, I am super clumsy). I was also the only one to be filled with mud at the end of the day. I was uncomfortable cause the hiking pants (was extremely costly by the way) was somewhat taken apart by the ankle zip. Nonetheless, I had a time of my life and frankly speaking, my friend literally helped me the whole way (felt as though I was cheating on my way up),but, we managed to reach to the top and at the same time surround ourselves with beautiful nature.

When I still didn't know that it would be tough, but, kinda fell for the beauty of nature

A week later, I went to Bali. Though, I had two people who went there with me, but, I basically went by myself most of the time. Short to say, I had a really good time that I fell in love with Bali. I loved everything about it, though, there were a few times that I was cheated by the locals. My first travelling overseas without my family, personally, I thought it would be extremely tough, but, it was the slight opposite. There were some other times that I felt a bit lonely, but, it didn’t last very long.

 What I enjoyed most was surfing, after 2 years, I went surfing for 3 days straight. I am now getting slightly better at it but still feel that it is tough because of the high tide and moving against the current was admittedly challenging. The sad part of it is that I don’t have the pictures of me moving with the waves as I was pretty much alone, but, I had one, which was extremely blur cause I was too far away from the phone and that was when the two friends was with me.

Kinda sad, but, this is the only picture of me surfing in action (bali)

The long board and I

I learned that while travelling, it is better to travel alone unless if you have friends who have the same mission as you do. My mission was to surf and to enjoy everything also to meet the locals. Getting to know how they are, talking, exchanging views to compare with the situation that I currently am in. With that, I felt grateful.  They might not be rich when it comes to money (well ofcourse the currency of it comes with thousands and millions) but, they are most definitely rich with culture, art, religion, adequate, hospitality which I think is worth than money itself. They never complain though, they just try to find customers, and work as hard as they could with the tourists.

The round face with the over skinny man (bali)

I think I could say that the locals, became more like a friend to me. Just had conversations and their views are pretty much in depth, more than the locals here in Malaysia. I find them quite articulate. They are definitely more broadminded than most of us here. They didn’t even feel bored when I talked to them about politics or religion. If however, I try to talk about those to some of the locals here, they would get bored in an instant and would change the subject almost automatically. They even gave me valuable advice to my love life or future love life which I would remember “Jangan kamu percaya sama mana-mana cowok kecuali Papa kamu .. kerna semua cowok itu adalah bahaya .. kata-katanya iya manis, janji-janjiannya kayak betul gitu .. tapi mereka semua nggak boleh dipercayain .. lagi-lagi cewek kayak kamu”.  This advice came from my supir-man.