That time of the year

Second day of Raya / Eid. Staring at the blank page that will be filled by myself. The fact of a matter is, it doesn't matter what I write or how many people have read or would even glance of this particular post. Nonetheless, I am writing because it just seem like that moment and time where I think I should. Raya routine is about the same to me, to be frank, this year, I just felt like I wanted to stay at home and just try to reflect on the things that have happened,but, that would be extremely unfair to my family and to myself. My inner bipolar was talking to me again with sloppy negative remarks about myself. It was saying "what are you celebrating? you haven't done anything" or "yeah, it is a festive occasion, but, what did you do that was so great that made you deserve to celebrate?". Rather, it was daunting, I brushed it off when I woke up, because when I went for prayers, I realized that it wasn't about me.

For some people, Eid is the only time they get to see their family or to wear fancy clothes as that is the only day that they get to spend their money. I was being too dismissive, all the self beating up was for nothing. I realized that the world is not within what I wanted or feel and if I didn't celebrate I would be rotten. I see people all the time and get flustered on how they are, but, I have become one of those that I solely have taken a toll on in my brains and I questioned myself. For 25 years my family and I have celebrated this day, why the sudden gloominess, it is not that I don't have a family to celebrate with. I have them, I love them and they love me. They anticipate the day and for myself to be with them, why all the questions? I just had to be happy and appear, that is not a chore, everything is organized.

So, as usual, I went to my grandfather's house (it was always the first and have always been that way even when he was still living 5 minutes away from my house). I haven't seen him in more than a month, during, fasting month, I have been too occupied to drive or to see him, but, when I saw him, everything made sense. His smile when he saw all of us together going into his house, made me forget what I felt, just made me feel as though I was dumb to think of all those earlier.  He is always happy when we gather, there is a certain warmness when we gather as a family. All of that, but, something happened yesterday that broke my heart and at the same time made me exceptionally furious. My cousin and my father had a dispute ( I didn't know exactly what happened) but, all I know in the end was my father was hurt and was partly bleeding. I thank God it wasn't a bad injury, but, I just hate the fact that my cousin could even do that to my dear father and what escalated my anger was the fact that none of the uncles stood by and protect my father. In fact, I was told to ask the other cousin that was there towards the end of what happened. I just couldn't believe that everyone could pretend later that nothing happened. I had to pave through and smile through and swallow the anger. I wish I could be more calm about things but, I can't because what kind of a person hits a 60 year old man.

We had to let it go, but, I posted a couple of things in facebook so that he knows that I don't see him as a cousin, would be childish of me, but, I just wish I could have hit his face with a rock or something (thank God I didn't). Next visit was to the hospital. My uncle (my father's little brother) has been in the hospital for about 3 months and I haven't seen him in about 3 years. I saw him yesterday and I could see that my father was trying to distract himself of the disconsolate feeling that he had. I too felt that at that moment till off today, but, I just don't know what to do. I just tried to make him feel as though we were present to him, but, we haven't been there for years and what kind of position am I to suddenly make his pain all go away. He was sick and depressed, so is his wife because her husband is sick and they have lost a child years ago. I just wish at that moment they would feel at least relief that we were there, but, God only knows.

Compilation of the mid year 2014

We are now moving onwards and this would be mid of the year 2014. Time has never been on our side, but, oh, wow don’t we know that already? While I walk, run, stumble, jump over or by this year, I have realized this year has been rather eventful for me (at least up to the mid). I had a rough patch over the first few months of the year, due to work and I am glad that I have made it to get away from wherever I was that was not making me happy.

I taught myself to be more independent or at least force myself to be self sufficient and I am glad to say that I have made myself proud by achieving certain things that I thought I will not be able to do.

End of last year, a friend of mine, invited me to join him for a run. At first, I felt rather reluctant as I am no runner and to be honest, I have never imagined myself going for long runs as I am very slow, but, I was quite surprised that I could actually feel the adrenaline and in the end, enjoyed myself. Of course, my friend was waaay ahead of me, that did not matter, because on that day, I knew that I wasn’t that bad and I knew that I could do something that I could never imagine I would do.

The friend who invited me to go for my first run (this picture is taken for our second run)

I almost forgot and this I add after I have published this post. The fact that I landed myself on a short part time job of being the supervisor for Laureus Awards. There is no evidence of it though, but, I had so much fun and was extremely thankful for the opportunity. I didn't even know I would even get the job! Than received a call from my cousin's friend, it was a prank, he said I didn't get it, but, he called me back and told me that he was just kidding and said that I was the supervisor. I feel sorry that I did a lot of glitch, but, it was a well worth experience. I have never in my life seen sooo many superstars in my life, to be frank, I didn't even take them as stars. I just treated all of them like how I would with most guests, it just hit me after they leave that I had the privilege to see Benedict Cumberbatch and Jamie Foxx walking/standing next to me. 



Perhaps my sister getting married and me having a new brother in law would also be the highlight. I am not going to write on how they met or how they perhaps decided to get married, but, it was quite quick, guess they knew they were suited for each other. I am also glad, they have each other now, also on the flip side I might get to go to the US and visit them often..ngeeeheeee.

Second Sister, Brother in law and I

Taken when I was contemplating on whether or not to run in thick haze

From that day onwards, I started to join one run after another, until I finished a half marathon IN A THICK HAZE. I don’t think I can ever forget what I went through, it was extremely hazy, I thought I wouldn’t be able to make it or just give up altogether. Again, I was wrong about myself. I learned that you just should start, no matter how you think you can’t, because no one will know what you go through except you alone. It is true that you can get all the support you need, but, you should know that you can never accomplish anything unless you start doing something. The moment I stepped on to the finish line, I felt a sudden rush going through my body. I just couldn’t believe I could go through of miles walking and running.

The registration number I ran for : she said she wasn't ready to run a half, so, I kinda filled in for her.

I have learned too that friends change and you do too. I guess, that would just be part of growing. The people you used to hang everyday might not always be there, but, deep inside they would always be your friend and it is vital to understand that they are trying to develop themselves as much as you. At the same time, you would have friends who support you completely, the people that you don’t realize would hold your back when you need to lean against so that you will not fall further. I have never confronted these people, but, they have taught me the values of friendship with sincerity and it opened my eyes in a more positive outlook. I am not sure if it is ego (perhaps, it is), but, I don’t think they know of how much I am grateful to have them as a friend.

This was when I didn't know that the hike would be a serious hike.

Last two weeks, I had an adventure, two friends of mine invited me to go for hiking. I didn’t know that the terrain would be tough. I just somehow anticipated it abit, I bought shoes (which didn’t work because I kept slipping as it didn’t grip and also I am not the most coordinative person in the world…yes, I am super clumsy). I was also the only one to be filled with mud at the end of the day. I was uncomfortable cause the hiking pants (was extremely costly by the way) was somewhat taken apart by the ankle zip. Nonetheless, I had a time of my life and frankly speaking, my friend literally helped me the whole way (felt as though I was cheating on my way up),but, we managed to reach to the top and at the same time surround ourselves with beautiful nature.

When I still didn't know that it would be tough, but, kinda fell for the beauty of nature

A week later, I went to Bali. Though, I had two people who went there with me, but, I basically went by myself most of the time. Short to say, I had a really good time that I fell in love with Bali. I loved everything about it, though, there were a few times that I was cheated by the locals. My first travelling overseas without my family, personally, I thought it would be extremely tough, but, it was the slight opposite. There were some other times that I felt a bit lonely, but, it didn’t last very long.

 What I enjoyed most was surfing, after 2 years, I went surfing for 3 days straight. I am now getting slightly better at it but still feel that it is tough because of the high tide and moving against the current was admittedly challenging. The sad part of it is that I don’t have the pictures of me moving with the waves as I was pretty much alone, but, I had one, which was extremely blur cause I was too far away from the phone and that was when the two friends was with me.

Kinda sad, but, this is the only picture of me surfing in action (bali)

The long board and I

I learned that while travelling, it is better to travel alone unless if you have friends who have the same mission as you do. My mission was to surf and to enjoy everything also to meet the locals. Getting to know how they are, talking, exchanging views to compare with the situation that I currently am in. With that, I felt grateful.  They might not be rich when it comes to money (well ofcourse the currency of it comes with thousands and millions) but, they are most definitely rich with culture, art, religion, adequate, hospitality which I think is worth than money itself. They never complain though, they just try to find customers, and work as hard as they could with the tourists.

The round face with the over skinny man (bali)

I think I could say that the locals, became more like a friend to me. Just had conversations and their views are pretty much in depth, more than the locals here in Malaysia. I find them quite articulate. They are definitely more broadminded than most of us here. They didn’t even feel bored when I talked to them about politics or religion. If however, I try to talk about those to some of the locals here, they would get bored in an instant and would change the subject almost automatically. They even gave me valuable advice to my love life or future love life which I would remember “Jangan kamu percaya sama mana-mana cowok kecuali Papa kamu .. kerna semua cowok itu adalah bahaya .. kata-katanya iya manis, janji-janjiannya kayak betul gitu .. tapi mereka semua nggak boleh dipercayain .. lagi-lagi cewek kayak kamu”.  This advice came from my supir-man. 

What I am, What I could be, What I aim to be

 While I was driving back with the window on my side and the passengers side down, I could feel the wind through, flowing as the breeze passing through my face and I could almost smell the freshness of the air. I felt so free, I felt so relaxed. Today was a great day, it is a Sunday, not remembering that tomorrow is yet another stressful Monday. The day of the dragging feet, it is when the blues of working starts and I am not the only one who would feel it. This would be an obvious observation, I do not need statistics to prove what I just said.

Whenever I feel stressed I get overwhelmed, I get anxious, I don't like that about me, but, somehow, I can't help it. Which is why I sometimes blank my head out so that I don't think too much. I frequently do, constantly! People might think that I am unaware and I have air in my head almost all the time, but, in fact, I almost want things to place perfectly that I get frustrated with myself if I don't do it according to how things should be. Hence, the reason why I blank myself out so that I don't have to think of it too too much.

My aim is to be successful, I strive for it. I work extremely hard for it. I REALLY DO! I wouldn't be bothered to stay up all night if not so. I wouldn't be bothered to hog three jobs in a year if I don't. I sometimes like making myself seem as though I don't know anything particularly with friends because they assume that I am just this blur person, but, within the exterior of blankness, there is much thought. I hang around with people with a purpose of knowing people, so that I would get the hands on experience of how each of the people I meet.

Though, I am not that structured, but, I do remember how people treat me, good or bad, I would relate so that I can place that into my environment of work. This might sound crazy, but, I have been doing this for ages, this has been since high school. Believe it or not, I placed drama or made myself involve in drama's in school and college because I knew that I had to handle it when I grew older. I get stressed too fast, therefore, if I have handled the same kind of situation in school, I figured, I can handle it better when I work.

I am not sure how, but, I did purposely did whatever I wanted in school because I knew I wouldn't get the chance to taste whatever youth that I had if I work. This was slightly foolish because I do wish I studied well. Now, I regret slightly, but I don't crave for anymore much youth fun as I did. So, I guess it took effect in a positive way somehow.

I crave of learning. I want to be better, and I want to know more of anything. Anything new, and I have realized now that I don't really much time for it. I somehow feel as though I can get greedy with the knowledge I lack. Part of the reason is that I didn't concentrate all too well at school or college that I felt that I NEED to learn, I want to learn and I HAVE to learn.

Now that I am in the corporate world. It is as confusing as a spiders web and the politics is beyond how I imagined it would be that it scares me. I don't think I am well prepared, I am like a new recruit going to a war without an armor and just blunt knives as a weapon. Every move you make counts, every word you say might be used against you, if you have made a decision you would have to be full on right, if it is the wrong decision, you would honestly get shot, it is either you would be hurt in a slow death or you would die in an instant. That is just an interpretation or metaphor of how I observed and feel as though it is like in the corporate world. Which is why I think I lack knowledge, the skills that I provide is nothing but a pinch of salt placed in the wrong food. Does that make sense? Well, whatever it is, I need to STEP UP!

I go to the gym so that I could feel better of myself. My confidence was so low that I realized that I have to act on it. I need to find accomplishment so that I can stay positive. Sometimes, I feel proud just by dragging my feet to the gym. Its the little things that I realize matters to improve myself internally. I took drumming class so I could feel a certain growth towards music. All these I think is necessary for my career, you might think that it is not related, but, I have bipolar. I need to keep myself at pace so that I keep on moving.

I CANNOT afford to feel sad or depressed because if I feel that way, for a week, I will never go anywhere and I KNOW I can do ALOT of things. I am not just a person people push around. I have SO many things that I am capable of but people just don't see. I just need to try to push harder, strive harder, stay focus, try to be organize and have discipline. If I have all those, I know that by than, I would be successful.

That is that.

Unforgotten memories

My last post would be extremely outdated. Since my mind has been clogged up with a lot of things my mom and sister told me to just write it down and generate things perhaps in writing. I have a blog, therefore it makes sense if I type it down here.

I have been in the bank for a year and 2 months now, and despite having an extremely difficult superior. I have been trying to pace myself with activities outside of work so that I would remain sane. Though, I am grateful that I have a family who cares and pour complete affection towards me. I have to remind myself to remain aware so that I don't pacify myself to them whenever I have problems.

I have met two men that I think I have fallen for. The first was a Malay and it didn't go well, because he said he wanted to stay in the grey area in which I did not really understand. So, I think it would be as that. The second is a German guy who left a few days ago and have given me so much effect in my life that I am trying to collect the good advice he has given me.

We went on a complete 3 days together and while we were there, he was a complete gentleman and with this, I have to say, no man has treated me with such respect before (apart from my dad, grandfather and uncles that is). He came with the utmost responsibility and was a respectable in every way possible. I speak highly now of him because I never thought I would see someone or meet someone who is with that criteria.

We have decided that we can't prolong the relationship as we both need to concentrate on our paths and the negative effects would be more obvious than the positive. He would be the first person who convinced me that I could do anything in this world if I put my mind into it and at the same time thought that I was smart enough. He too told me that I was beautiful just that I didn't have the capabilities to know it myself. Though, we can't be together, I am ultimately grateful that he crossed into my life. He would also be the first man ever to travel 10,000 km just to see me, and that would be as that.



These would be some of the memories that we have of the days we spent together.

From my old blog 6 years ago

My Goodness! I was a terrible child! ahahaha....this was years ago when I was still in high school and yes, I have graduated (not with distinction) but, I have gratefully landed myself in a stable job (Thank God!)

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Unnecesarry asssumptions

I found my sister and parents all dressed up when I woke up this morning (around 10 am).I asked them where were they off to,and they told me that they were going to the mall.Usually,they'd ask me if I would like to go with them,but,they didnt.So,I asked my father if I could follow them and he replied "nabila! no! you have exam in two days time,study!" I didnt expact a yell from him,I just pretend that he didnt and went to my room.
I could not study,so,I had plans of going to the mall alone,it didnt happen because I realised that I had no money to take a cab and no friends to go with.So much for the enthusiasm of being a rebel again.I was bored,I felt like I need entertainment,my dear sister took the cable off so that I wont go online.I felt glad that my sister forgot to take her laptop away,I decided to watch an Indonesian movie "Janji Joni",that was the only movie available at that moment(I want a guy who's replica exactly like Nicholas Saputra).I needed someone to accompany me,I called my maid to watch it with me ( I didnt want to feel lonely),it was funny.
After watching the movie,bore started to rage against me,knowing that there was nothing else to do,I took a couple of fags went outside and finished it.I was amazed that I could finish the whole packet for only an hour (that shows how lonely I am right now).While inhaling and exhaling I found myself thinking and making assumptions about myself( I dont think I need to share that with the public).Food was calling my name,and I decided to reheat fried rice that had not been touched since yesterday.
Everyone was out for quite along time,I couldnt help but to switch on the tv and dance along with those video clips that was on MTV and Channel V.It was so loud that my maid told me to turn the volume down.I felt abit tired,and went off to bed,by the time I got up,my parents and sister got home.They bought me cream puffs,some pasta,and one of those wax from body shop.The cream puffs were delicious,so,I finished them all,not knowing that it was for the whole family.I felt guilty when my mom asked me for it,and I just said "sorry mama,cream puff semua kat dalam perut bila" I smiled and went away.
Today was nothing,but,it was a long day.I cant afford to write anymore as my eyes are beginning to shut by itself.Plus,I have school tomorrow so,thats enough of a reason for a girl to go off to bed when its 15 minutes to 1. Au re voir to anyone who is reading this mindless blog of mine.

recap of 2012

           I just can't believe 2012 is about to end! This post is just for me to recap what I have done which have been a total mind blowing yet quite thrilling with a mixture of melancholic thirst of experiences and self realization towards change. Goodness this year I have surprised myself, I have done things that I can never imagine I have done. I never give myself credit and I would always feel slightly small almost every time and every day,but, not this time. This time, I would like to conclude the year by being  proud of what I have done  through out the year and hope that I would continue on to the perseverance and determination that I have shown myself.

          Why do I feel this sudden feeling of success? Well, for a start, in January up to May, I started working three jobs. Knowing that I needed skills that I know I didn't have much of. Therefore, I applied first as a barista in Starbucks (one which I have worked in when I was 17 years old), because that was the only thing that I know I could familiarize myself with for work. Then, worked as an intern in a media company called Redberry. Which would be my first experience working in a proper office atmosphere. I met loads of really hard working people that I look up to right until now. I observed how they worked and I try to adapt what they have showed me and I hope God willingly that I remember and not forget.

        I knew I needed to know more (you can say that I was eager to learn of anything and everything...yeah, I know this might sound tacky,but, believe me, it is true) so, I started to take up my experience in Artisan Roast. I had a feeling just by talking to the owner that I could really learn while working in there. Indeed, I did! I can never ever forget how passionate every barista is in the store and how both the owners keep educating themselves about coffee. I have never in my life felt so much appreciation and love towards the wonderful creation that God has given us. Which would be coffee and other grown things which includes fruits and vegetables. Most of the people working there, I realized, have so much talent and are able to multitask, I can never forget how hardworking they are. Like in Redberry, people in Artisan Roast, have given me speechless and countless amount of experience (even if it was only for a few short months).

         I than took a dive from media to banking. This would be my first corporate experience, complete with procedures, paperwork and protocol. A world that I have yet to discover and still slightly eerie but, at the same time filled with discoveries that are surprisingly amusing. I started working in the IT department, which I have complete zero knowledge of, but, I did not just sit still, I did bug everyone in the whole department, just to gain certain knowledge. Since, the culture in the bank is unseen and sudden for me, I had to take some trouble to adjust to the environment. I actually still am slightly getting used to it, just that I couldn't care less sometimes.

          I carried on until I had placed myself now to Corporate Communications department. I was glad, because I could finally understand what they were doing and could have ideas (one that which would not be used) but, its ok, someday it will. I still have a long journey ahead and yet I think I have accomplished so much in a short time in this current department. I just hope that no one would sabotage me (God Willing).


A book of which was designed by me and launched by the minister of finance with the managing director.

     Throw up if you would like, but, like I said, I don't give myself enough credit as I have been too much of a pessimist. I am now starting with optimism and pride as I need this to move and strive to become a better human, worker, colleague, friend, cousin, sister, granddaughter last but now least which I know I have been terrible in, daughter.

      Concurrently, I have refrain myself from buying and smoking cigarettes, as of which I try to start a healthy lifestyle and I would have to go to the gym so that I wouldn't be too plumped up. I know people tend to eat more when they have stopped smoking, therefore, I go to the gym whenever I could. At this moment and time, all I know is that I should change for the better, I am not getting any younger and I am fully aware that my parents and sisters are not either. Therefore, I should try to be more self reliant as I possibly can. That would be my goal for next year.

certain something

I have been wanting to type, have been eager to travel and have been contemplating on leaving to continue my masters as previously promised by my parents to study abroad. I guess I haven't earned it enough which I can understand now. To be fair, I wasn't all flowers and books. Yes,  I did not concentrate all that well during my school and college days. Oh well, enough with the feeling of distraught. I almost forgot my main reason why I wanted to type in so much before. I have stopped working in artisan, it was extremely hard for me to maintain two jobs,but, I thought I could concentrate more if I quit, frankly, it doesn't really make much difference.

It is 11.30pm I have tons and tons of work to be done, but, I am now writing an entry in my blog. Not to mention that it is due tomorrow morning. My goodness, when will I learn. Perhaps, I will never learn. I haven't any proper break for 6 months and I am starting to feel as though I am being a bore by just being in the office. I used to do crazy things, although, dumb, but, I did have a blast. This might be another phase of my life before entering the real adulthood. I don't regard myself as an adult just yet, I am very aware that I am still immature.

Lately, I feel as though I am loosing myself, as I find myself too carried away with the environment around me, which makes me think negatively, and I really can't afford to feel that way. I keep telling myself to be strong. Though, I have colleagues that would give me advice and ask me to tag along for lunch and dinner, which I thank God and am very grateful for. Despite those blessings, I can't help but, to feel uneasy with certain things. Like somehow I am blinded by jealousy of certain people. I think I should just keep quiet and not say anything after this.