reincarnation twist of bilabambam

hello jobs

2012-01-30T23:09:00.001-08:00

Well, Hello there! I see you're still alive and with outdated post. I haven't any motivation to write anything these past few weeks or months as I have been pretty caught up with my double life and my double personalities. Quite ironic how I am getting comfortable with two lives at the moment. To be honest, I am quite proud that I am able to commit to two jobs.

I can assure you that it has not been easy (at all!). I try not to complain that much as I am afraid my parents would tell me that I should stop working in starbucks and concentrate on the current intern (which they have about a million times), but, I want to work two jobs and I know that it would benefit me in some other way somehow. I am planning to quit starbucks as I have found a better and less evil coffee shop to work in.

I have spent less time with my family and friends as time doesn't permit me to do so. I just hope they would understand that I have wasted my time during the education days so much that I feel that I need to re-explore everything and learn everything back so that I wouldn't fall into the dumps and without a stable lifestyle. I can assure you that once I am stable, I would see everyone again as much as possible.

At the moment, I just want everyone's support and hope that I wouldn't be lazy anymore. Also, I would need prayers that what I am doing would benefit me and would end up making my life a success.

late appreciation

2011-12-22T19:30:00.000-08:00

Is it too late to appreciate you now? Everything was in the clouds, but, only recently that it hit me that I may like you. Why now? I don't know.

my dearest family and friends

2011-10-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

To my dearest family and friends, (assuming they would read this, which I doubt they will,but, that is me, I like taking chances like these :) )

I wish to apologize to my family and friends for my absent mindedness. I have been very self absorbed with my probability of having a job and figuring out what to do and what fits me in a daily basis that I did not appreciate the attendance of everyone else that was around me.

Well, I tried my best talking and having a decent conversation with the people I meet,but, I ended up making the whole table feeling awkward with my presence. Which would lead to the reason why I sometimes try to avoid people as I wish not to make the environment bitter.

At this moment and time, I would somehow not attend some of the invitations that I have received temporarily, only because I think I need some attitude adjustment and stop being too self absorbed and start being grateful of all the things around me for ones. Please try to understand that I am not shutting people out from my life, I just need to figure what I would want to do and how I would go on to pursue my ambitions. In other words, figuring out what I can be good at. I am learning to separate my wants and needs also trying to accept me for who I am and what I am.

jobish

2011-10-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

Hey hey! Since I don't have a job so, I am spacing out so that I don't feel like I am useless in other words a piece of shit. Feeling out my head with dreams relentlessly would also be useless but, I think I would try to do some actual useful stuff. I should do something with the piece of certificate. There's about thousands of jobs out there and I am still stuck contemplating on what to do?

I think I have detached myself from the internet or the computer too much as I was busy fulfilling my addiction to coffee while learning about them. This might sound superficial, but, I think perhaps I might spend my time more on the internet more than I think.

jibber jabber

2011-10-06T09:25:00.001-07:00

my last post would be on the 15th. I really didn't bother to switch on my computer or laptop and clicking while typing away since. I did have an attempt, but, the attempt would all churn away by a handful of distractions. So, what has been up? or in this case, what has been down? Well, first of all, I have sent my resignation letter towards the coffee shop, and there goes my 30 percent privilege which isn't as important. My parents are on a trip over the sea and across a few lands to Italy and Sarajevo and I haven't any job.

I shall say that it would be hard for me to type away and regather all my thoughts as it has been quite a full blown of emotional blast of all the emotions combined. Apart from my parents surprisingly showing me the will before they left, I could feel the tension of my whole family. I remember that I wanted so much to be an adult when I was in school, but, now, I'd rather be in school. I'd rather get tormented by prefects and at the same time getting lectures by teachers. Which I think, to be fair, is not all sunshine, rainbows and butterflies.

Did I mention too that I am seeing a new shrink? no? well, I am. He is young, so, I hope that he would understand me more than the two other women that helped me a notch. So far, I am restricting myself from staying in my room and being a blob sleeping in my ridiculously high framed bed. Hyping myself up to go out without even having any form of engagements nor events. Which to say is a success because as the shrink would tell me that he thinks "I am doing a good job" that surprises me, by that, he means that I am going out relentlessly regardless of being emotionally inapt and at the same time finding an invisible job that comes from the air. I think that is enough blabbing for the whole day or perhaps week probably month. I shall continue when I feel like continuing, as for now, I shall go to sleep and have whatever my mind would think it shall give me, which is to say a dream or a nightmare or both combined.

The LOVE experienve

2011-07-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my experience with love and how I perceive it. Love, as you might see is a wonderful caring and thoughtful feeling. Act of kindness, giving, a strong bond between you, your mother, father, sisters,son, daughter, brothers, wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend whoever you might have a strong affection or compassion on. It is what makes you do crazy and unthinkable things for a person...sometimes to the extant of dying for the person in order to protect him/her.

Love isn't any feeling, it is all the emotions and feelings combined together. No matter how you prepare your heart, with love, you can collapse in any moment. Like me, love, is somehow, bipolar. It is what makes you feel warm, protective, gentle, generous, kind, float and mostly everything that is pleasant that you can ever think of.

At the same time, love can also be bitter, sour, cold, cruel, blind and everything that is unkind. When this happens, your heart would just drop and your soul would be hanging upside down and no one has ever told you or warn you about these feelings in love. This would also make your heart and your brain detached from one another and therefore, would eventually make you confused, angry, sad, betrayed etc. These feelings would go with anyone you care for, no matter who it is.

We have a brain to think on what is wrong or right, but, what is so brilliant and at the same time dangerous about love is. It makes you do things beyond the regular. When you loose a child for instance, you would carry on searching for the child and trade your life if your child is in danger. I admire the gift of God in this emotion and feeling.

pass license yeay

2011-07-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

Hey Hey!!! I am happy to say that I have gotten my car license after failing on the road ones. I got lucky this time thanks to the awesome JPJ tester :D
Now, I am spiritually motivated to find me a more stable job. Although, I think I have to stay at home more to spend time cleaning up the space in the room so that it wouldn't effect my work that much.

Like I said before, everything, would take a bit of time, bad or good it would eventually fall in its place :D I don't think the environment in starbucks is all that bad or all that good either. I am sure you are confused by now, but, sadly, that's a fact.

I am in my mid-year now, therefore, I have to strive more too, to achieve the goals that I have in my head...no one would actually understand why I work part time in starbucks when I have a degree...but, I think it is enough for me myself to understand. Incubus would be this Saturdaay!!! I CAN'T FRIGGIN WAIT!

This whole post would not have anything related to one another...I would just write whatever it is in my scattered brain...eh like my room...my room is all scattered with junk and stuff...I have low confidence like nobodies business...I am clueless as on how to regain the confidence...I need to tell myself that I have achieved alot...which I think it is...but, it is not proven in black or white...haish

car license update

2011-07-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

The following update would be...me getting my
driver's license. I know I have been talking about it
in ages,but, this is my final driving exam. I have
a complete mixed feelings of being excited and being
as nervous as a mad cow.

Tomorrow would be my last day of class. I hope I
would use my two hours of class in full use.
I really don't want to fail this class as I need the
license. I already feel the guilt of my friends
picking and sending me back whenever we hang.
Me driving would be a huge change for once...and
whenever there's a roadtrip I'd be willing to drive ;)

the updates of the lasts

2011-07-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

I have been quite absent with my blog and sharing my thoughts in here.
Perhaps, I should write and save my friends
the space of the sound of my annoying voice.
Ultimately, I have been trying to make ends meat, but, it is quite a process.
My sisters and parents are getting
quite impatient with myself because I haven't
tried to give my resume to any soul.
I am not quite sure why and what I am afraid of to
be frank. If I do get a decent
job than all my expenses shall be paid off,
ofcourse it is not guaranteed.

I have gotten myself a bb and haven't touched my laptop ever since.
Poor Ben (that is the name that I personally gave to my laptop...
it is sad..but, even sad to know
that it is true). I guess that is it at the moment, I haven't
any agenda's or whatsoever. I am just constantly thinking of ways for me
to not be lazy and be successful and earn as much as possible,but,
I am waaaaaaaay too far behind. I just hope that I wouldn't get out of
breathe chasing and give up before the finish line...if so, I would definitely
be furious and devistated with myself and there goes my confidence.
marriage would be the last and utmost latest result for me.

numb

2011-06-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

It is strange that I feel numbness when it comes to liking someone.

massive

2011-06-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

This isn't working...I need to make the next massive move....test the waters again and just dive in...I don't care if I need to restart and I don't care if my parents or family approve or disapprove my next decision...if I fail...than, I would have to pick myself up again and go on...this whole thing about beating myself up has gotta stop.

I have to be firm and stop being afraid to be firm. The fear of being firm is the reason why I am beating myself up all the time. I really need to learn how to stop pleasing the goddamn world and just say whatever it is in my head. There isn't only one colour in this world and not every colour would match, therefore, if it doesn't match, it doesn't mean it is wrong, it just means that I need to find the right colour all over again...even if it means picking through every single code.

not to - old maid

2011-06-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

I was hanging out with my friends and they asked me how many exes that I had...it was funny because I can't really remember how many i had and it is ironic because at this moment and time at the age of 22 with all the exes that I have got before...I have none at the moment...and no one seems to be attracted to this hag...which is bad...because I am not even that old yet and already I have turned into a hag.

This is really a bad habit of mine...I used to have at least one or two guys that I could at least flirt with...but, no guy is interested with me or maybe I am not interested to have any flirtatious go ons. Most of my exes are married or getting married...well, I don't have any intention to marry anyone at the moment. I am still young (or rather think I am young)...I just maybe want a decent likable interest of chemistry with a special someone...a significant other perhaps might be the option.

Though, I have to admit that I am not to keen or proud of my past with the exes. Those were terrible days and I would like to bury those moments never to return just to bring the experience with me...not to repeat it again. I guess I would just have to pray to the Almighty that I would have a decent guy who would love the twisted me the way that I am and not to be a cranky old maid with 100 cats and dogs in the house.

kambate to me

2011-05-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have one work that requires physical strength and one requires alot of creativity. I am both physically and mentally drained. Another 24++ hours wake up marathon for me...hope I can do this...I need to stay strong and work harder...I already felt like fainting yesterday but, thats just cause I didn't eat and didn't stop working in both starbucks and doing the brochure. I think I just need to push harder and stay more focused. Three people have asked me for my portfolio and I haven't the time to send it to them. This is not an excuse...I am being serious...I need to compile and design the lay out of my portfolio before I send it to them. double triple *sigh* again to myself Kambate

overwhelmed

2011-05-08T11:06:00.001-07:00

Alright, I am gonna stay up literally for 24 hours hours. I had 8 hours of work and I have another work...but, I wanted this. I wanted to work hard...so, I have to do it! Kambate to myself

you that is they

2011-05-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

I have been mislead and misused
by those who are carefully designed
with the physic softness, tenderness and care
oh, how naive I can get
they carry knives, axes, nails
carved and planed sharply
pretending to be naive as I
they hide it behind me
slowly throwing bits of sharp objects
"not them" they would say
but, they laugh with joy
slowly they would past by me
this time, with sharper objects
"not them" they would say again
until one day, I saw them
one day they killed me
the person inside me
with every sharp object they can find
how painful it was
for every pain that I received
they would feel a sense of joy
I tried and tried to find a cure
but they kept coming to haunt me
and crave to kill me again

hmph

2011-04-27T01:34:00.000-07:00

ok...tak jadi...but atleast i tried

my vacation with friends

2011-04-16T10:59:00.000-07:00

I am truly lost at this point. Although I went for a vacation for three days and two nights with my friends. I still feel a bit lost. I did like the vacation, loved the beach, the company and also the adventure. I had motion sickness while I was in the boat, at first I thought it was because I was tired, but, it was the same through out most of the boat rides. I didn't want to gross anyone out with puking so I had to make my brain,ear and body stable. It got to a point where I could still feel the boat shaking when I was on the bed trying to sleep. It was our first trip together and I hope it is not the last.

hoping to forget

2011-03-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

Somehow, it is hard to forget major things that happened in your life. Especially when you want to talk to someone about it and hope that at least one person would understand,but, I know that as long as the person hasn't gone through it, they wouldn't know what it feels or how it was.

Some days, you feel like sharing, but, when you want to pour it out, you would eventually hold back because there would never be a right timing for it. Even if you do tell them, you would know what they would say, because no one would know how to react to it. The reason is simple, because they haven't been there. It is fairly inappropriate for them too, that must be understood.

Which makes you feel so alone as you have no choice but to keep it in you. Telling yourself to be strong, day by day, week by week and living life, making it interesting so that you would feel good about yourself again.

Knowing that it was the past, you try harder to forget, by keeping yourself busy with hobbies. Hoping that it would be discarded,but, eventually it would never be gone, at least not permanently though. Even if you've told people, just for the sake of making your life at ease, you can't help but to feel judged after that.

what if i am a boy

2011-03-08T08:14:00.001-08:00

This is strange and stupid of me,but, I was walking around the house and ignoring the furnitures in the house, because it doesn't fascinate me that much anymore as I have seen it practically everyday. Unless if I go to one of the drawers and take things out from it and find something that is interesting or something that would make me reminisce, but, that would just make a mess out of the place and I would have to put everything back and I am in no mood for that as I am always being a sloth.

Anyway, when I was walking around the house, I wondered, what would happen if I am a boy. Not that it is possible or that I wanted so much to be one. I just wondered, I like to wonder daft things like that sometimes, than when someone asked me anything. I would just go numb and say slow things like "huh" "what" or repeat the wrong things, that annoys people a lot sometimes, I can tell, but, it annoys me too because they would just give up and I would wonder what they said before.

Right now, me being myself as a girl, my love life has become nonchalant. I am not sure if any guy at all likes me, before, when I was in high school, at least there were signs of guys who liked me and it was pretty obvious too, but, now, I just don't know anything, like no one I know gave any signs or whatsoever. So, if I am a boy, would I have a girlfriend by now? Would I treat girls nicely? Would I have curfews like I have right now? Which school would I go to? An old boys school or a co-ad school? Would I get bullied or be the bullier? Would I be a nerd, a geek, or a cool guy that hangs around with cool crowds? Would I be alright with two elder sisters? The questions would go on without any stop. Of course, the questions would not go anywhere because it will never exist.

These things are pointless and a waste of my small brain space. I don't know why I typed it all out. I guess I just wanted to share and figured my mind would be off it somehow and maybe, the days of thinking brainlessly at night before I go to sleep would go today.

some of the company profile

2011-03-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

the index page of what i did for the company profile...these pages are not approved yet..so,feel free to state anything that you think if you feel like it...

the wedding page

venting out needed

2011-03-04T09:19:00.001-08:00

At the moment I feel as though I need to talk to someone to vent everything out. I would usually let things out to my best friend, but, he is nowhere near me as he decided to fly off to the land below to study. I have so many things going on around me that it is over stimulating my brain. I just feel like everything that I have believed in and everything that I have hold on to is pointless in away.

what i really am

2011-02-27T23:18:00.001-08:00

Truth is, I want to do what I want to and I do what I do just because I think it is cool.I know I am not. I am easily psyched and fascinated which is why I want to do things in an instant, I can also get bored easily. Hence, the reason why I need to feed the bored adrenaline, so that it can tell me to get up and not go down under to dull and depressed brain land.

I sometimes over estimate my abilities but, most of the time I would under estimate and surprise myself. I can't predict myself, so, I doubt that anyone can predict me. When I am psyched, I would usually be really hyper and I won't stop moving, but, it can be switched when someone would say things that would upset me and it would usually ruin my entire day.

I like doing random things alone, just to make myself happy. I sometimes walk alone because I see everything differently when I am alone.I can't stay at home because staying at home too long would make me feel unproductive and that saddens me sometimes.

Whenever people think that I am blur, I get annoyed with myself, because that would usually mean that they think that my brain is filled with air. What they don't know is, it is actually the opposite, my brain has too many things to think that I have to sometimes take the real world out. I don't have any major problems and when people think, they don't usually think about their problems only. I would usually think about everything and anything from useful things, to useless things.

at the moment

2011-02-23T00:14:00.001-08:00

at the moment...i feel quite useless

focus

2011-02-22T04:29:00.000-08:00

I have realized that, I am not creative nor am I smart in any way. I have been told that I am slow repetitively, and I am starting to believe that I am. Perhaps right now I am in a manic stage, where I think everything is wrong about myself. I wish I can produce things fast and I wish I can do things that I imagine I would and can do.

I know what I am, and most of the people including my mom,sisters,aunties,cousins and friends say that I am weird. Maybe what I am is being awkward around everyone and being weird and that's just me.
I seriously wish right now, my brain could stop generating false things that make me day dream and focus.

re-post old entry from old blog

2011-02-18T09:42:00.001-08:00

I was reading my old blog and this is the first thing I saw.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
trembling life
I am really not sure why I cant put pictures in my blog, maybe it is because I just suck in IT,which would lead me into trouble as I would need some basic knowledge about softwares like illustrator,photoshop and stuff or I would have no money at all for the future. *yikes!*err... Lately, I have been hanging around lindsay alot (linda), from time to time I now know why everybody loves her. I am not trying to be safe and write good things about people, but, hey, I never thought that I would think she's cool. I mean, we've been friends for almost a decade but, most of my friends were mean back than. Now, that I have grown to a friggin 19 year old (I cant believe that I would be 20 next..shite!) I am certain that she has changed. Latter, a few guys (bibo,m,ayim who's currently not in the state of province) and one assuntarian girl (amelia) all together would make each other laugh sitting in the car or place ourselves at some hawker stall or restaurant etc. Whenever I hangout with them, I believe that each of them has got talent, wether in photography,arts,public relations they've got their own personality and that is why I feel comfortable with them. I am writing all of the nice things about them, because,because,well, right now, I can only think about nice things. Now that I have written things about my lovely friends, lets get down to my family. My eldest has been traveling while working literally nearly around the whole world. She is a lucky one because she has got the privilege to travel in business class, and shop in the big apple! thats about it I guess, apart from that I guess she would be missing her daughter here,but, I would really want to go to Washington,delhi,singapore etc with her...shite again!(that is meant for not being able to follow my eldest) The middle child has landed back into her motherland which is here. She came back last last Monday. I did not get to see her due to my extended last minute assignments, so, I had to stay in Cyber(another story,spent time with dudes Kerry and Tun) but, I am back in PJ now, so, she is all I see. My dad is as usual being cranky old papa,but, I have afew attempts on cheering him up here and there, it works sometimes, usually it doesnt. Both my parents are mad because I cant get my butt stay in my house compound. My mom has been taking care of my niece as usual. I have been quite close to her lately, telling her about the latest gossips, like the things that linda has with M. She thinks its cute and so do I. I tell her other things too,like how to deal with my boyfriend and stuff. Mothers nows best. Things has been alright with awi and I, I guess, he bought me a second hand touch screen motorola phone, I have to type things with my hand if I want to call or sms, the previous owner lost the pen thingamajiggy. I am on holiday, so I am trying my best not to bore myself to death as I wait for my poor results to come by and land in my letter box so that I can feel guilty of not working hard enough for my third semester. Shite! aaah! lalalalal...

Posted at 05:05 am by bilabambam
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long class...bore bore bore

2011-02-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow would be the day that I would be sitting in a dull classroom for 6 hours providing, I think about half an hour of break. Food would be far away from all of us as it is located opposite of Asia Jaya LRT Station and the canteen doesn't open. Therefore, the only food that they have is guava and other 1 ringgit fruits in a local stand at the LRT station.

*Augh* I could feel the agony of sitting and "listening" to the lecture already. I have been to the same class and listened to the same lecture before this, but, being smart, I failed the class twice and after 3 years of being lazy, a calling came to me and went for registration with a friend.

I thank god that I have a friend to go along with, I doubt that I can stand being a vegetable for 6 hours. I didn't say what class it was did I? I mentioned that it is opposite of Asia Jaya, so, if you are from around PJ you would've guessed it by now (just maybe). I am attending driver's license ad. I know none of you would give a rats ass,but, hey, it is part of my therapy,writing, so, you don't get to say nuts about it.

the plug pin problem

2011-02-15T09:34:00.001-08:00

It has passed my recent bed time (which by the way is usually 12am the most), but, my head didn't let me sleep. It bothered me with thoughts, that I had to write it down somewhere. Writing in paper with pen couldn't just do it, felt wrong (it is a modern era) besides, I have a huge laptop on my bed, I might just put it to some use. Frankly, having the process of "successfully" typing this entry requires quite a lot of energy. Why you may ask? Yeah,I know...you may think that it is just a matter of clicking and creating a new entry,but, I had to

find a proper plug to my laptop, the only plug is right under my bed

Why is it a problem?

It is a problem because my bed is at least 1 foot tall and I swear if you fall from my bed you would get injuries,probably quite a major one.

About my bed?

It is somewhat like a princess like bed (which is so not me) but, I still love it! It is an antique that my dad took from the attic of my relatives house. When my dad first got it, it was really really rusty, like you can barely see the shape of the metal, but, dad got it clean and painted it white. The bed is apparently more than 100 years old, and it belonged to my grandmother.

Done with the bed story.

Back to the plug problem.

When the bed is 1 foot tall, me, being quite (not to say hoarder because that would just mean that I collect and don't dispense anything) a keeper or a collector, it is filled with things. So, going to the plug under my bed is like swimming through laps of things with tiny space that would make your forehead sore because it kept bumping onto the surface of the bed every time your body gets through at least an inch.

When I finally got to the plug, I realized that there was something wrong with the pins,so, it took me about at least 10 minutes to fit the charger into the plug pin.

After all that, I felt an accomplishment. I didn't think that I felt this accomplished when I went to my graduation ceremony. Oh well, I might be exaggerating,but, than again, you're not me, so you wouldn't know if it is true or false and you shouldn't care either.

things I dream to do in my dreamland

2011-02-08T19:38:00.001-08:00

I am constantly in my dreamland. I wish it has a stop button so that I can concentrate on whatever task that I have to encounter. I am actually tired of people looking down on me. I may be clumsy, at some point naive, but, I have certain trades in me that counters the negatives.

Yet again, the lists of things I would want to do that would make my parents go nuts. Not like I don't make them nuts everyday when I tell them that I am going out with my friends. I can't help it, I am quite different from my sisters, alright, quite different may be an understatement. I somehow feel like I have been raised by different sets of family at times, or maybe, I am the one who's being too rebellious. I don't know.

Here goes with the list that may happen or may not happen in the so called activities that requires a lot of money, parents going nuts, and life risking.

Outdoor climbing - of course I haven't climb in ages, which explains all the fat and lack of stamina whenever I do any exercise.

skydive
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Sit at the beach and surf all day or maybe all week.

Go backpacking and hiking for a month (come to think of it, it would be hard when the time of the month comes- hygiene reasons) or at least a week..yeah... a week or two is ok

Try Snowboarding

the list goes on...

first surfing experience

2011-02-06T19:26:00.000-08:00

I went to Bali for 5 days and I have tried a new sport, an obvious one because I posted the picture above. Of course, I wasn't as good as the posted picture, I wish I was,but, I just started and I am not sure when I am going to do it again. I went to the surfing school and had an hour of free lesson.Which includes on how to balance and 3 steps of standing the right way. Within an hour I was able to stand on the board in the pool. So, I headed to the beach to experience the high tide waves.

The current of the ocean was so dense that it kept pulling me further in. Battling with the waves and the ocean was tiring and my trainer kept asking me "capek nggak" which means..."are you tired" in indonesian. I just nodded because I was saving my breathe for the next couple of waves to come. After a few hours of paddling, the waves became stronger and bigger, at that time, my trainer told me that I could already pick my own waves and paddle by myself without his guide.

I was so ambitious, I took the big wave, and I could here him yelling "ombaknya besar tu" which meant "that is a big wave" I just tried, though I could stand about a minute, I fell half way, due to lack of balance, I struggled in the water while rolling in. I find it quite funny because I felt like a ball pushed by the ocean,surprisingly the salt water didn't taste as bad. When I finally could stand up, I was far away from the trainer and my board was about a meter and a half away from me. I was too lazy to go all the way to take the board so, I pulled the string that was attached to my leg and the board for (safety reasons)and head back to the ocean, again battling with the current.

I think I felt the achievement when I stood the whole way from the ocean to the shore. Felt good because I think I may have attracted attention to the by standers as they applauded and cheered a few times when I surfed to shore.

abroad?

2011-01-20T21:28:00.001-08:00

I don't know why but, I had a dream that I was continuing my studies abroad. I was still here in malaysia, but, I was preparing and packing.

thank you

2011-01-11T14:38:00.000-08:00

I guess I never really thank my parents, sisters, aunties, uncles cousins, friends properly. I know I did not get any award for my graduation,but, I really could not have finished university without any of them. Especially my parents, they supported me, were the ones who are panicking when I gave up. Didn't listen to me, when I said "I think I need to repeat" or "I think I am going to fail this time".

I say that every single semester,but, they told me I could do it. Everyone around me said the same thing and believed that I could do it and surprisingly I did. So, I thank all of you. Especially friends who helped me with any photo shoots, ideas, transportation, shoulder to cry on etc. when I had the least amount of confidence in myself. To those who took the time to send me, pick me up from cyber to pj...pj to cyber. I would remember each and everyone of you and I would be there like how you've been there for me.I would have not graduated without all of you.

Maybe, graduation, might not be a big deal for you guys, but, for me, it is. Which is why I am typing all of this out.

doc marts

2011-01-06T11:28:00.000-08:00

i was watching TLC on astro and I just found out that I bought my doc marts shoes at the first doc marts store in the world....I don't know why I feel so happy

bored...work pls

2011-01-05T12:54:00.000-08:00

bape lama la nak tunggu....im bored now...i wanna work :(

a bb please

2010-12-28T11:38:00.000-08:00

I am going to whine like I always do and say that...I WANT A BB!!! everyone I know has one. :( Don't get me wrong...I looove my xbox but,I think I am going to collect some money when I work and get one. BB curve is also good, as long as I can communicate around with that expensive phone that everyone has would be good.

Seems that everyone who has it can't get off it. I realized that it has become a social need to have it. Especially if you are a girl. I am not sure if this is a good sign or bad, but, my phone is stone age compared to bb.

My parents don't understand it, and it is hard to explain to them how a phone
can change social needs. I don't think they care either, they are just glad that my phone is reachable when I don't loose it, goes out of battery or switch it off. They just want to call me and tell me "get home early!!" "its late" "come home now" and anything with that relation.

work hard and find a job

2010-12-19T10:14:00.000-08:00

I have to work hard now...and find for a job

college pregrad

2010-12-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

My 4 years of college has led me into disastrous mishaps and at the same time pleasure happiness (quite a journey). Towards the end, it is more of the mishaps than the whimsical feeling of joy. Personally, I have always hated change, it makes me rethink about the plans that I have made for myself. No matter how much time you plan your future or life you may not know how the weather may turn out to be.

Writing this post gave me flashes of harsh memories that I would love to discard. I wish that I would be able to erase certain parts of memories that exist in my head. Exactly like the movie "eternal sunshine" or perhaps the memory charm "obliviate" in "harry potter". Some of my friends told me that I would become a stronger person by swallowing bits and pieces of the harsh reality.

The other side of me is just afraid that I would only become crazier and not stronger. Of course, I have my ways of keeping harsh details away. At certain points, everybody does and will. I would be graduating in 4 days, and I still do not feel the enthusiasm nor the excitement. I just pretend that I am happy that I am graduating,but, I feel closed and trapped.

Although, some may think that I am weak, but, I rather think I am the other way around. I surprise myself sometimes with my own attitude. I am capable of doing a lot of things,but, I tend to have doubts on myself. Self believe can be as low to the amount of zero when it comes to me. I have to learn to believe in myself, when I know how to, I'd be able to pursue any dream that I desire.

anything

2010-12-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

if i can go through whatever i am going through myself right now....i can go through anything....

making it through

2010-12-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

Life is staged with glorious,mundane,sadness,difficulty etc but, it is all within your will to go through it. Nothing remains the same, life is full of surprises, the surprises that come to you would not always be what you want. No matter how good or how bad it is, when it is there, you can never change it. Which is why it is called fate.

When you believe in religion and you have bad news or surprises, you would believe that it is all written and we have a reason to believe so. When we don't believe in fate and how its written, our minds would be empty and would not have any path, therefore, we would make short term decisions, such as.....death.

The will to survive, is a powerful thing to endure. When we realize that the world isn't what it seems. That is when you get scared and fragile but, showing it to others would make you weak. Therefore, it is you who are responsible to have the ability to keep on moving towards the final destination.

I have learned something. I have learned that giving too much is not the tool of survival. It is an act of selflessness, kindness and a humble gift,but, when you do not give the right things to the right people that is when the act of kindness is not necessary and can be a risk for yourself. Which can be a sin as you do not have self respect. How would it be possible to ask for respect when you yourself do not respect you. It is easy to type and say things here, but, I have to learn what I write too. I have to learn the hard way, like I always do.

Learning the hard way is like swimming in acres of water that is either too hot (boiling) or too cold (freezing). Like I said in the previous sentences, you just have to go through it, with a thick skin, no matter how cold or hot it gets.

first few

2010-11-16T10:35:00.001-08:00

first few pages of the book

cover of book

2010-11-13T13:20:00.000-08:00

multi

2010-11-08T14:16:00.001-08:00

multi-personality?

legend with style

2010-11-08T11:28:00.000-08:00

Jimi Hendrix...The legend with style!

.

2010-11-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

. I think a full stop can explain how my life is now

one day, I will

2010-11-02T16:11:00.001-07:00

Give me a bit of time and I know...I can produce good work. Someday, I would be a good designer. Not at this present time, not now, but, I can and I will and for that, I promise you. I might be lazy now, I might have sloppy at work now,but, one day, I will.

day 4111

2010-11-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

I have come to a point where I delay all the difficult task that I have to do every single time...

seems i'd see cyber again

2010-10-28T06:05:00.000-07:00

I really don't think I can do this. I thought I could,but, I think this time, I am seriously failing. I know I have said this before and I have mentioned this nearly every semester and now I am on my final semester. I haven't done anything. I have exhibition in 2 weeks. My final straw now, would be by disappointing my parents by not graduating this semester.

My eldest took her masters and as usual did really well (very proud of her...really am). From an over achiever to the non achiever, I guess it would balance things out (just a hope). I know going to 4 countries this year was suppose to make me prepare for my finals and get as much exposure as I could, and believe me you, I did. I just don't know why I am so afraid of executing my work. I don't know why I am soo stuck. I have been stuck for months now.

I hate you

2010-10-19T06:38:00.000-07:00

I hate you I hate you I hate you

shattered candy

2010-10-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

membuang masa

2010-10-12T12:17:00.000-07:00

I was suppose to finish my assignments....but...this is what I did....to waste my time

just beaut

2010-09-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

Beauty fooooool!

GDD 8

2010-09-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

The people that I have been in the same class with for almost 4 years. I think I am going to miss them ones we're done.

i hate u

2010-09-02T06:55:00.000-07:00

i want to go somewhere else where everybody i know here don't exist. i hate you i hate the people around you. i just wish i haven't met you. im talking about you...him...he and the other. I WANT OUT! i surrender already. you're not here anymore but i can feel your presence. the ppl you know are around me and i am not asking for it. i want you presence gone but they will not go until semester is over. I HATE YOU!

grr

2010-08-09T23:11:00.001-07:00

Grrr...can't believe they blocked youtube and fb in college! I believe that we need to have youtube atleast to look at videos. I feel like I am in school again.

Mr. Dorian Gray

2010-08-01T10:59:00.001-07:00

Dorian Gray! How I wish I could be as good looking as you. I have an epiphany about you in my head. I too am jealous of the fact that you met a person like Harry and I wish a person like Harry can teach me things of life and change me the way he did to you. We don't have anything in common, I just like the way Lord Henry gives his philosophies to you.
I think you are as dull as any other rich good looking men in the 19th century.

disney love

2010-07-29T11:08:00.001-07:00

I am not sure what love means or what love is. Love to my parents,grandparents or siblings, that I know,but, to fall in love with someone thats a different type of dramatical set altogether. A few years ago, I thought I was in love but, I was vulnerable,young and stupid. Took me awhile to realize that I was delusional.

From young of age, little girls around the world who are fortunate enough to have or watch tv would watch romantic walt disney cartoon and have heroins like snow white, cinderella, beauty and the beast to plant in their minds to be vulnerable towards men and ones there is love, you would live happily ever after. The reality of it is, love does not last, after afew years of being in a relationship or getting married it would wilt and thats when communication is harder and you would find yourself asking if you did the right thing by marrying the person.

The tragedy of it is about all these characters is that they were made in 50's,60's and 70's and men created all these characters for girls, so they would always be timid and follow the rules of men. Back then, women did not have the rights to work as managers,illustrators, or anything that they desire, they were only allowed to work low ranks such as being a secretary. So, all they could say is "yes" and never to argue with men.

Walt disney heroin characters are all too nice, too soft, all that there is that men want us to be. So, maybe they created the idea of love for us, that love means being in a relationship with someone. I think love is quite of a vague subject.

stuff myself and gain like an elephant

2010-07-21T06:02:00.001-07:00

I am going to stuff my self before I go home. It is time to put the weight worrying aside and just eat the junk that I have bought from the evil supermarket. Supermarkets here sell delicious junk! seriously! they would always have great offers and I don't get how people here are skinny!

illustrated me in france

2010-07-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

Things that I find sleazy guys have in common

2010-07-16T17:11:00.001-07:00

Alright, you can say that I am one of the cheesiest girl that you have seen,but, I have realized from a long time ago that stereotype sleazy malay men have a few things in common. I am not writing to hurt anyones feelings, I just would like to write as my mind is on to it at the moment, it just clicked and I am not even sure why.For people who think they are fashionable, they just aren't. Physically, from the way they dress they would have three things in common

1. gold chain necklace, it can be white gold or just gold ( I am not sure what they are trying to show...wealth perhaps? maybe it resembles power or something...I don't know)

2. man bag...oh, correction...branded man bags...gucci,prada,louis vuitton

3. not to mention their speedboat engine malaysian made cars....which were made to annoy the neighbours at 3 o'clock in the morning on purpose.

Its just stereotypical, I don't hate any of them. I just feel all greasy and sleazy around them, thats all.

off to

2010-07-09T12:31:00.001-07:00

France awaits me tomorrow...I am going to share a room with my niece. My niece saw that we were packing, she got all excited.

just today

2010-07-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

Stomp was just AWESOME! I can feel that they are loving what they are doing because I felt like joining them.

I have been given lists of things to buy for my sister,cousins and friends but my priority would be my sister...of course...she can't join us because she has work. Honestly, its a bore without her, because I don't really have anyone to go walking around with that wants to go where I want to go.

gut

2010-06-29T14:19:00.001-07:00

I was right when I say that everything is going to change after this and it is not a good change. I hate it when I have a bad feeling and it comes true.

Regent's Park

2010-06-26T15:18:00.002-07:00

I went to Regent's Park today, the flowers were beautiful. The weather was nice and it was perfect. I do not know how to explain it,but, it was just one of those things that you feel you want to just record everything from smell, breeze, air...if only video cameras can record those things and I would just put it in my blog and you would feel what I felt.

A picture of me with the babeyh...she was already tired at this stage.

cerita orang no.1 dan orang no.2

2010-06-22T03:38:00.001-07:00

dialog antara manusia dan manusia :

orang no.1 : ini salah ni buat lagi satu
orang no.2 : buat lagi satu yang macam mana?
orang no.1 : print lagi buat satu a3 fold satu journal
orang no.2 : ni journal ni
orang no.1 : mmg la...tapi buat lagi...macam tak cukup ni
orang no.2 : tapi tak cakap pun dari awal kena buat a3 ngan folder
orang no.1 : tu la lupa nak bagi tahu
orang no.2 : tapi saya takde jumaat ni
orang no.1: pergi mana?
orang no.2 : holiday dengan family
orang no.1 : buat la dalam 2 hari ni
orang no.2 : haaa ok la...

orang no.2 dengan selsema melelih dari hidung ke bawah sekaligus mengelap hingus nye dengan baju yg setengah koyak dan tidak semenggah setelah beberapa hari tidak tidur

the stressssssssss

2010-06-22T03:00:00.000-07:00

I am doooooooomed!!!!!! My flight is on friday morning.... I still have to submit a lot of work by thursday and I am having fever...yet i have time to blog...I feel like giving up....I can't take this anymore!....I haven't seen my friends for long and I doubt that I would have any time to see them. I am not sure if they miss me though,but, I miss them. Anyway, off to work and wish me luck!!!

mutiara damansara web

2010-06-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

bluegh

2010-04-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

hmph..its funny that I know im capable of doing a lot of things but, I just don't because I am too lazy

kings of leon! wooot!

2010-04-04T03:15:00.001-07:00

Kings of Leon is performing in Hyde Park 30th June!!!! woooooot!!!! can't wait to go!!! ok this would be my motivation for me to do work!

grrrr

2010-03-31T13:46:00.001-07:00

Ini adalah salah satu contoh kerja yg telah di reject dan harus di ganti oleh concept yg lain...terima kasih.
Presentation today was helll!!!!!!! 3 lecturers were attacking non stop...one of them kept badgering us about the stupid zoo negara logo. Zoo negara just changed their logo to an ugly scribble thing and it was hard to find a decent one,but, one of the lecturer made it a BIG deal out of one small stupid logo to everyone. I know we are selling zoo negara,but, if they were real clients and if we were really working for them...they would give us a copy of the logo because a logo is copyright.

My execution and my photoshop skills may not be right but it took me more than half an hour to go to the zoo and RM20 per entry to take the bloody photos. Plus, the animals were inside the cage and we can't predict what is going to happen..so, taking a perfect picture would be really tough. Atleast, understand that we did the job and give positive input. I am not saying that you can't criticize but, I am saying that you should understand that we gave effort.

I have to go back to the zoo because the lecturers hate my concept and take photos of bear prints. How the hell am I suppose to do that?! There is a gap of 7 feet between the bear and you at the zoo. How am I suppose to do take the bloody paw? The lecturer told me to tell the zookeeper to do it for me. I don't think that would be a good idea because than I would not get the pictures that I wanted. Grrr!

sleepless nights

2010-03-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

ape ni? baru first few weeks dah ada sleepless nights slalu end of semester baru camni...banyaknye kerjaa! takpe takpe you can do it nabila!!! kambate!

hmph

2010-03-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

Somehow, I know people talk bad about me. If only I knew what they say. I'd like to know because maybe I would realize and not do it again.

adorable

2010-03-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

I am back in school after the long holidays, went to Perth and London. It was fun! I came back, apparently, and unfortunately for me, I am currently the only single one amongst my group of friends here in Cyber...hahaha...but, I met a guy. He is Indonesian and he is sooooooo adorable. He has cute curly hair and when he smiles my heart would just drop. He lives 2 floors above me. I went to his plae afew days ago, he plays the guitar reaally well, although he has only got 4 strings ( im not sure what happened to the rest) he could play a certain shade of green by incubus, on me and adelines request.

He owns a macbook as well and I saw his collection of music. He has ALL the music I have. He doesn't know a single thing about me though, cause I don;t really tell him. I don't talk to him that much,but, I know alot about him because his friends tell me alot about him and he tells me about him alot too,but, when he asks about me, I try to keep things limited,not sure why. I get really shy around people I like. We sometimes go to school together, and he is quite blur too, its really cute to see him being blur. I feel like hugging him whenever he does it. He is a great artist, I saw his building painting on the wall, and his drawing on his hand on the first day I met him. He didn't talk that much when I met him the first time,but, after that, he was the one who asks questions. I am pretty sure he doesn't like me, but, I guess I am just happy to look at him because he is adorable,cute and hot!

miss

2010-03-02T11:07:00.001-08:00

I miss my sister,borther in law and niece ALOT :(

bipolar-ism

2010-02-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

I was curious about bipolar so, I googled it up. I wondered if it is possible to be successful when you're bipolar. So, I googled "list of people affected by bipolar"...I found out that most of the singers or actors suffer from bipolar. Does this mean that I can only be an actor,singer,artist,journalist,photographer etc all in the creative field? Kurt Cobain suffers from bipolar disorder and he is DEAD! Stephen Fry and Rusell Brand is bipolar,but,they are funny...I bet they are addicted to their highs because it gives them a lot of money and fame. Axl Rose,Nina Simone,Macy Gray,Sinead O'conner...they all suffer from bipolar...no wonder I can relate to their songs.

I took this from a blog called Bipolar and successful. This entry is quite strong for me. I have been wanting to write the same things but, couldn't. This entry is called "Have a "NO" Day".

Once upon a time, I sold my soul to the word "Yes". Perhaps it was low self esteem, or making up for my mental health shortcomings, but I always seemed to say "Ok".

And then one day, I decided to say "No", and to say it all day long. I told everyone I was having a "NO" Day. I pranced around as if in a comedy-like skit, and in the fashion of a 2 year old, smiled and said "No". Ah! what a wonderful day that was. So wonderful in fact, that "NO!" is now my favorite word.

Saying "No" feels so good that I don't even make up excuses anymore.
Saying "No" gives me the time and energy to do what I need to do, and what I want to do.

Since I learned the word no, most of those energy-sucking leaches who once claimed to be my friends have vanished. In their place is now a wonderful husband, a few good woman, family, and my cat.

"NO," I can't lend you twenty bucks. "No," I can't watch your kids. "No," I can't find out for you..." Sorry.

Stop feeling guilty about saying "No." When you stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off, trying to DO for everyone else, you will discover who really needs your help. And guess what, you will have the time and energy to do the things you need to do.

aaaaah

2010-02-06T06:41:00.001-08:00

aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaHHHhhhhhHhH!!!!!! KIILL ME!!!

Dear shrink,

2010-02-03T08:18:00.001-08:00

Oh wow, I guess it is me that needs to be changed. Alright, I guess I am a klutz at everything I do. Although I would like and wish that I am perfect (unfortunately, I am not). I don't know how not to be me. I would always be in my own world 50% of my life,that is because I am constantly thinking, which is why I get blur most of the time (because my mind would not be on earth). I try to help and I try to be as nice as possible to people, I guess what this has done to myself is just being thrown off by rotten eggs and tomatoes. So, now, being mean is what I should do?

Seriously, if you have something about me on your shoulders please do tell me straight. I have always been pushed afar anyway, so, I guess if you say it to me, that might make me feel upset or might not,but, what do you or others care (unless you're my parents or sisters...they care too much they don't seem to want to let me go)...

I am Intan Nabila...I thought I was being a friend when I sheltered a friend who ran away for afew months and introduced her to my friends...I thought I was a friend when I accompanied her and went for a journey for hours to sleep at her aunt's place as her great grandmother was passing...I thought I was a friend when I shelter another friend because it was far for her to go to school...I thought I was a friend when I accompany them when others wont...I really thought I was a friend. I guess I thought wrong. Am I the only one who would miss my friends whenever I am in cyber or some place far,maybe, I am the only one sad enough to get excited whenever friends call to invite me out because I genuinely miss them.Yeah, if it was someone else maybe they would. The thing is, I genuinely like talking,laughing,playing games,lazying around with them...but, yet again, who am I? what am I?

Sometimes, people think they have got me all figured out,but, the truth is, they have no idea. It is true that I can be VERY transparent, but, I guess the things that I think is positive would usually end up being bad.

P.s/ : I am not saying I am ungrateful about my family wanting to protect,care and love me. I am grateful...very grateful indeed,but, this is a topic of friends.

A B C ?

2010-01-29T08:51:00.000-08:00

Around a week ago, I was reading TIMES Almanac,it was called "The world's nation from A to Z" they made a research on the worlds population,language,types of government etc. Being a proud Malaysian, I quickly turned the page to see how Malaysia is like (even if I am from and live here), I was quite shocked to see that Malaysia rates 74% in literacy.To me, this is a great disappointment and it is quite disturbing as to how our future would be like. I doubt that they include those with disabilities in this,because, next to ALL our neighbors, we rate the lowest. I have to admit I need to brush up on my language and read a lot more,but, I got my education and would not know how to type this entry without it. 22% of people do not know how to, and this saddens me.

According to UNICEF 125,000 kids or more do not go to school. Maybe they want to learn, but, do not have the money or maybe they would have to travel more than 10 kilometers to go to school. I don't think it is necessary to wait for the government to do anything as they are not doing anything at this moment. So, I would try to do something small first and hope to do it properly and not just leave it later.

I am going to check out the mosque's library tomorrow,I would need to see if I can do anything to encourage people around the neighborhood to read. This means that I would have to have a lot of determination. Like my parents, I want the non-muslims to go to the library as well,but, I am not sure if the community is open enough to let the non-muslims enter the mosque and I am not sure if the non-muslims would want to enter the mosque either. Perhaps it would be asking too much,but, I've got to do something.

Warning : I might..might... be asking any of you...you might be some random person on the street for some hand.

things to do

2010-01-28T19:10:00.000-08:00

I have a list of things to do,

1. I have yet to buy a new laptop because I wish to play games and a slightly bigger screen as it would be easier for me to do work.

2. My cousin has invited me to Ipoh,Tambun to go climbing,of course I am excited,but, I have not been climbing properly at all, half an hour in the gym does not really count.

3. I need to upgrade my computer.

Maybe that is not a lot.

a new crush

2010-01-27T05:26:00.000-08:00

I haven't been having a crush for awhile, I think I might have a crush on someone. Yeay! hahaha...I thought I lost my capability of having a crush,but, I think I would have to see or talk to him again to make sure.

My grandfather Abu Bakar bin Kamat

2010-01-23T08:59:00.001-08:00

I am very grateful to have the family that I have,the grandparents,parents,sisters,aunties,uncles and cousins alike. At young of age,my cousins,sisters and I were raised and taken care of by a team of people. My grandfather plays a big role in our lives. A humble,warm,gentle and a lot more. I am very lucky to have a grandfather who cares about all of us.

He would give us each newspaper cuttings of exercises, if we had any major exams like UPSR,PMR or SPM, up until now, he would still give me books on how to improve my vocabulary,presentation skills or anything that has relations to advertising. He would do the same to my cousins. He would even call me up to give me words of wisdom when I had my first major break up, although he is a grandfather, he is indeed very understanding.

Yesterday, my sister went on a google search and found an article of a man who quote him, it was about unity. My grandfather,(if i'm not mistaken) introduced 'muhibah'(unity) to the nation even before the 13th May incident. I can't post the article here, I am not sure why.

This is what my sister wrote about my grandfather in her poem. I wrote this entry inspired by both of my sisters. I would stop writing as her poem would say it all.

To my Tok Bah, who taught me to love words.
When I was little
I knew with absolute
certainty

(Children can afford absolutes):

My Tok Bah was
Santa Claus

It was not just
The uncanny resemblance
Or a child’s affinity
for the fantastic.

It was the generosity
Bordering on self-sacrifice

The big booming laugh
That erupts from
a good yarn or
a grandchild’s antics

The goodwill
To all mankind
And animal-kind, too
(I remember feeding stray dogs and cats
I ate the cats’ rice once)

And always
The gentle, gentle
Lessons:

Be kind
To kings and paupers alike

Be generous
Things are just
Things

Be polite
Even if you disagree
(Especially if you disagree)

Be grateful
If you have family
You have
Everything.

My Tok Bah
Sends us handwritten letters
and newspaper clippings
Economics for me
Gross medical stories for the young doctor
Arts and graphics for those of us
infinitely more creative.

None of us are millionaires
But we are worth more
than mere money.

In his eyes, we are
Einsteins
Flemings
Picassos
(even Central Bank Governors)

Who needs a Nobel Prize, now?

If I live to be 80
(My Tok Bah will be soon, inshallah)
I will never forget
the benediction
of a gentle pat on the head
and a “pot sikit”

And always, the messages –
They’ve seen us through
Frigid winters
Heated exchanges
Difficult lectures
Horrid bosses:

“Usaha dan tawakkal!”

“I am confident you can do it!”

“Maju terus maju!”

I don’t say this enough
And I should
(Knowing that it still isn’t enough):

We love you, Tok Bah

And thank you.

My sister's short story

2010-01-17T23:27:00.000-08:00

Since my family on my father's side is originally from KL, my sister wrote a short story of my great (i am not sure how many great's ) grandfather's house in Kampung Baru (it is still there,standing alone with cats and no living soul inside) which is really sad because it has been there for hundreds of years. Here goes my sisters short story in city of shared stories kuala lumpur, the title Kera's kangkang. Please do read.
http://cityofsharedstorieskualalumpur.com/story/title/keras-kangkang/

starting climbing from scratch

2010-01-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

I have not been climbing for soo long that I am not sure if I remember how to even tie the rope,which would be dangerous,but, to start back means that I would need to start from scratch. I was atleast 6a or 5c in french grading system,but I think I would need to go back and start 3 or 4 routes. Maybe I would go bouldering more often to get back my strength as my arms often get weak. I would start next week.

A book called Yasmin Ahmad's Films

2010-01-14T14:40:00.001-08:00

I think it is more of a norm for a modern 20 year old to not sleep at 5 or 6 am in the morning. I have been online and I have seen twitters or facebook status saying things like "i have insomnia" or "its 6am and I am still awake" well probably not in those specific words, but, more or less so. I have tried to make myself to sleep, but, obviously it has not been working, also the fact that I have "accidentally" forgotten to take my pill "buddy" S-Q does not help with the sleeping either.

"Amir Muhammad's book" taken somwhere from the internet :D

So, in my attempt of "trying" to sleep, I decided to read Amir Muhammad's book on Yasmin Ahmad's Film and yes the title of the book is "Yasmin Ahmad's Films". Since young of age my parents and sisters have encouraged me to read his articles. Not only that we read his articles (or rather I had to read one of his articles aloud in front of them) but, also, my sister had a HUGE crush on him and in the end, she found out he was gay,but, still pins a picture of us my sister and I together with him on her cork board in her bedroom. Which was taken when I was about 9. I think if she were to read this I would be slaughtered and yelled at,but, if and I say if he reads this immature article he would laugh not at my sister but at the fact that some "girl" now woman had a crush on him.

TalenTime (taken somewhere from the internet)
Enough about my sister and her ex-crush. This book was written just a month after Yasmin Ahdmad's funeral. I think his opinions are very much of what my opinions would be like,but, with better writing skills. I would always look forward to her films and advertisements as she never fails to touch the souls of others especially us Malaysians. When I was reading the book, he reminded me that Malaysian films do not have people reading books and the reality of it all most Malaysians do not read (sometimes include myself) which in my mind concludes that most of us seek through visual medias, therefore, we should have quality productions rather than films like "bohsia" or any other films by Yusof Haslam and generate put good values in like what Yasmin Ahdmad did in most of her film. For instance giving a help to a prostitute by teaching her how to read Iqra' (a learning book of Arabic scripts/alphabets). Maybe than people would start to learn and read again,maybe than we could finally reach out to the minds of the narrow. My father would always say that education and reading would make us go far. Which is true and I never follow as I am very stubborn.

Talentime again (I am just taking random pictures...I am not sure which picture would be suitable for this entry..plus, I haven't gotten any sleep so I am trying to speed things up)

I think I shall stop, my sister made me pancakes for breakfast. I would go on and on,but, I doubt that this entry would lead me to anywhere,but, I am just trying to share what I think and it is still NOT ENOUGH. I want change. I wish I could start a revolution. Why? Open up your eyes and see, if you look wide enough you would see huge holes and cracks ( I am not sure if that made sense to you) but, it would take me hours to tell you what I mean.

Alright this one last life story of my father just to prove a bit of a point. My father who is in his 50's has been friends with his Chinese and Indian friends since primary school and when I say since meaning they are still friends. What I am trying to say is that kids nowadays which means my generation prefers not to mix around. I remember in school there are segregation between the malays the chinese and the indian. I would only see one or two malays sitting in a crowd of chinese and indian. Which saddens me because I know that it would be worst if nothing is done. I know that the gap would be further even in school.

A noob's point of view

2010-01-12T13:58:00.001-08:00

I am not sure if it is jet lag...but, I slept for an hour and a half or so and I am fully awake. What I miss the most about London apart from my sister,niece and brother in law is playing Modern Warfare with my brother in law in Xbox (of course the Xbox is his). Tried playing everyday but, unfortunately my sisters and parents wanted to watch tv.

Even if I have finished campaign as it is quite of a short story. I have not been able to fulfill my mission in special ops. I still have to unlock delta and echo, not only that I have not played bravo in a veteran level.I have to admit I am a noob, but, everybody starts to play as a noob first. Now, I can't play this game at home as I use macbook and there is no space in my living room computer. I also doubt that my dad would encourage me playing games. Why am I talking about this? ouh,urh I miss it!

L4D2 is not that bad, played it almost everyday too..the best part of the game is the fact that you get to use melee weapons. My favorite melee weapon would be the chainsaw.. the downside of it is the fact that it runs out of gas. My other favorite melee weapon would be the samurai sword as it slashes the heads of the zombies within one go,I find the axe quite useful too. My least favorite would be the guitar as I find it quite hard to kill zombies. They have made quite a number of changes, like the amount of zombies. I was quite surprise when A LOT of the main zombies come at the same time as the other zombies in the middle of the game,but,they have also put A LOT of weapons in the second one,which is cool, because we did not have that much of choice in the first. Hunter has slightly toned down his capability of being fast in the second one. I am glad that the plumber dies faster than tank. There are also missions such as putting 8 gas/petrol into the car at the end of the game.

The reason why I am writing this is because I did not get to share my views for the games in London to anyone. Therefore, like it or not, I am writing it.

Little Big Planet is an awesomely cute game. Anyone who has PS3 SHOULD have or buy little big planet. What is so awesome about the game is not just the fact that you get to escape into a different world,but, it is really fun. It may look easy, but, once you play it,it can be quite tough. In the game, you are able to customize your own character and also decorate your box. It is a game both for boys and girls. There is a whole world out there in little big planet,so, you are able to choose which part of the world yo want to accomplish, it is a 3D game. Different expressions can also be made,which is cute.

Zooey deschanel and alison mosshart

2010-01-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

Zooey Dechanel my style icon, not after 500 days of summer but after failure to launch with Sarah Jessica and Mathe Mcconauhey. Unlike her I don't have the upper asset,so, I would have to tone down a bit. I have not been able to shop that much as my parents give me a strict amount of money in Malaysia. After much day dreaming, thank you to my parents they allowed me to shop a bit in London. I am lucky that my mother have kept most of her vintage bags, so, buying and spending for hand bags would not be necessary.

One of my other style icon would be Alison Mosshart(VV). I love the way she mixes her clothes and accessories.

Thanks to her sister Tasha who would constantly give her inspiration/ideas/remind (I have very shallow memory..my memory is the same size as a bird..sadly) or introduce me to celebs.

London and no curtin for me

2010-01-10T10:37:00.000-08:00

Dear readers (not even sure if I have one), but hey! I haven't been writing or blogging for quite a bit. What I have missed out on my life journey of a journal is that I went to London for a month and a half and came back rather sick on the outside but, satisfied and happy on the inside. My niece has grown and she has learned quite a number of words which I am grateful for and proud of. The journey has loads of ups and downs but enjoyed it most of the time. Despite the fact that the weather was utterly cold,the fact that my mom was pick pocketed and I was hospitalized (was checked by a hot doctor,which I wont experience here in KL). I loved it there. I had my whole bunch of family plus cousins with me, so, I am very glad they came.

I have a few things that I love and dislike about London and my whole experience there. First, it brought my uncle and aunty in talking terms with my parents again. (Hooray!!) They have not been in talking terms in 5 years and my uncle came to my sisters house,they even went shopping together. (very glad indeed).

Second, we (cousins and I) went to London about 9 years ago, so, it was fun to recap what we did there together 9 years ago.

Third, I am very glad that my niece is in preschool now. Her teacher and school nurse came to my sisters house and they seem very professional. I hope she gets to learn more there.

Forth, The museums were brilliant! They have the best museums I have EVER and it was FREE!

Fifth, The deserts were mouth watering. I did not stop eating at ALL. It was chocolates, pastries and dairy products everyday.

Sixth, I had my first snow experience. For the first few times yeah it was fun, after that, it became all too cold and muddy,so, yeah, enjoyed parts of it.

I am not going to study in Perth as my parents think that I am not ready to go study alone overseas. Which is bad news,but, I would live with it. I got the offer letter and would be going to Perth this February for my sisters graduation. I am not sure how I would feel when I see Curtin and knowing that I am just one step further. My parents told me that I would be going to London again in summer to see my niece. I guess its the replacement of me not going to Curtin. I guess they know what they are doing, I can be clumsy and irresponsible.

I wish my grandfather could tag along,but, I don't think he is in any condition to walk about anymore. I wish we could do this every year! Its not that we do not have fun here in Malaysia,but, its a whole different experience. Again, I am grateful to have the family that I have and love them for them.

mr. dude

2009-11-14T13:47:00.000-08:00

To whom it may concern,

I am immune to all the sweet talks. I get sick whenever I hear them, and I think you've realized that I only reply just for the sake of replying. I am trying to figure you out but I can't and its sad that we wont be seeing each other anymore. I know we've got cultural differences and you give me angry messages,but, it only shows that you care and I think its cute. It's funny when everything goes well when I see you and its a plus when we both don't believe in relationships (that is anymore). We have nothing in common and I have confirmed it. We don't live in the same country which make us learn about each other a lot. I know you'd read this, I wish you all the best in everything my friend.

:D

2009-11-07T15:56:00.000-08:00

It is 8 am and I haven't been sleeping. I feel that I have lost something, but, I am not sure what. I have been wanting someone to love me or like me or find me attractive in a way, but, when it comes, I get scared. I think I would just let things be for now. I don't think my head is fit to be with anyone just yet. When I am ready, I guess I would know. At this moment, I am not quite cured yet by the last experience. I still think guys are dangerous to be serious with.

shrek?

2009-10-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

my ex told me that i look like shrek..do i?! am i that ugly?

pretending

2009-10-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

Alright, I have to admit, I am excited that I am going off to London, I miss the place...I cant wait to see my grown 5 year old niece!! I heard that she can say alot of words now. I hope she still remembers me though...I hope she wont run away if she sees me. Right now, I am looking at concerts and see if I can go to any...I hope Radiohead would be performing when I am there. It would be damn awesome if I could see them live. I am not sure if we would have money to go shopping though,but, if we do, it'd be great, if not, well, window shopping would be as nice..hehe.. :D

Maybe I need to save my money here, just incase. So, that means, less eating, less going out and less everything and which especially means no more paying for others. My problem is that I don't know how to say No and I don't know how to not be nice. Hopefully the new nabila would come out soon...People step on my head like nobody's business...yeah, i realize it....I have to stop! The thing is I like helping people,but, some just dont appreciate it. I am tired....I am tired of pretentious people...I am tired of pretending in front of the pretentious people...I am tired of acting like everything is A ok when everything is really not.

The truth, I can be and I am a happy person, its the toxic people around me that makes me down. People talk about everyone outside,no questions ask. People bitch all the time, people say bad things all the time, yeah, you'd feel low when you find out,it kills your heart,but, you've to get back on your feet. Thats life. The thing is, if you're cold and you hold a grudge, meaning, being revengeful, that is when you are immature and beyond. Yeah, you'd feel satisfied for awhile, but, for how long? Some knows that karma bites,but why do you still do it anyway?...revenge? I know I seem like I have a lot of problems,but, I think somehow people who have real problems are the ones who keep everything inside.

Its true, I am the one medicated, its true that I am the one who is diagnosed with bipolar, and so, yeah, people see me as the loud,annoying,crazy girl. I know that. Yeah, nobody is perfect and I dont think anybody should try to be perfect. Its the imperfections that make people shine. So, why the heck do people try to be perfect when they are actually bottling things up inside...when the balloon bursts...than you'd hear the loud "pop".

missing niece

2009-10-06T04:26:00.000-07:00

I AM MISSING MY NIECE TERRIBLY!!!!! :'(

:D

2009-09-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

Selamat Hari Raya everyone! Im glad that I get to meet up with all of my family and friends again. I just hope I can finish my assignments on time now. I can't wait to watch new moon.

saya rindu sama semua

2009-09-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

My niece,sister and brother in law is in London now. So, looks like I wont be celebrating Raya with them. I miss Nadyn already :(. Seems that I miss alot of people,but, I am not sure if people think about me as much as I think of them. I miss my friends, I haven't seen them for a loooong time. I used to go out with them every day but, now, I don't see them anymore. Its pretty sad,but, I hope when I call them they'd see me.

I am actually looking forward to see all of them. Umi,habib,linda,m,dan,wan...all of those that i would usually hang out with in PJ..actually semua kawan yang lama tak jumpa pun rindu...I am sincere...seriously... I haven't been talking to anyone here,I wanted to spend time with my family as the niece was about to go off. Now, to think of it, I wont have alot of time here as I would be going off to London this november until January. After that, I would be (hopefully) studying in Perth in February. So, I think I am slightly running out of time.

say bye to nadyn :(

2009-09-07T05:58:00.000-07:00

Went to help the orphans yesterday. Helped my aunty out and they kids were sooo cute! They danced and sing, they don't really have good backgrounds as they are not accepted in the society. Most of them are children who's mothers are prostitutes,so,they don't register,meaning,they dont go to school.

Nadyn is going to London this thursday. Buhbye stress ball :(

boring day

2009-08-27T05:57:00.001-07:00

harini bosan sangat sampai layan budak kecik online...*sigh.....my cousin who is about 7 has a facebook account....so, yeah....takde kerja

saya mau pergi memanjat

2009-08-26T00:33:00.000-07:00

It has been 2 weeks since i last climb...I wanna go climb!! I miss it...I feel really empty! maybe i should go swim later to replace climbing...i need to fill this emptiness

Yesterday

2009-08-25T05:26:00.000-07:00

Hello there blog, nothing interesting happened today ,but, it was a long day for me yesterday,so,I would write about it.
9.30 am was my copywriting class,it seems that we've ALOT of assignments and we are to do ALOT of research. We've new projects every week,but,I would manage as I have only 3 or 4 days of class.

12.30 to 1.30 pm we had our "lunch" break,since its Ramadhan and I was and am fasting I don't go for lunch. I decided to do abit of research in the library since I got the new library card,but, after afew minutes the librarian lost my card and they wanted me to pay them back for the card. I refused to,because it was not my fault in the first place.

1.30 to 4.00 pm Class started and over,so, I went home feeling groggy and tired.

4.00 to 7.00 pm I slept and woke up as I had to eat to break my fast with my housemate. At this period of time a friend messaged and wanted to come over.

7.00 to 10 pm went to streetmall with fafa

10.00 pm My friend came over with his friend. I was really happy to see him...did I mention that I was happy to see him?...

the baby being gone

2009-08-23T11:36:00.001-07:00

The niece is going in 2 weeks or so!! I am going to miss her what am I going to do at home without the baby?! I would miss both my sister and my brother in law too,but, Id miss the baby the most :( Its really sad!

flight of the conchords

2009-08-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

I cant post the video here...I dont know why...but you guys should watch it...they are friggin funneyh they make me laugh like a hyena

reincarnation twist of bilabambam

hello jobs

late appreciation

my dearest family and friends

jobish

jibber jabber

more sappy stories

more sappy stories

The LOVE experienve

pass license yeay

car license update

the updates of the lasts

numb

massive

not to - old maid

kambate to me

overwhelmed

you that is they

hmph

my vacation with friends

hoping to forget

what if i am a boy

some of the company profile

venting out needed

what i really am

at the moment

focus

re-post old entry from old blog

long class...bore bore bore

the plug pin problem

things I dream to do in my dreamland

first surfing experience

abroad?

thank you

doc marts

bored...work pls

a bb please

work hard and find a job

college pregrad

anything

making it through

first few

cover of book

multi

legend with style

.

one day, I will

day 4111

seems i'd see cyber again

I hate you

shattered candy

membuang masa

just beaut

GDD 8

i hate u

grr

Mr. Dorian Gray

disney love

stuff myself and gain like an elephant

illustrated me in france

Things that I find sleazy guys have in common

off to

just today

gut

Regent's Park

cerita orang no.1 dan orang no.2

the stressssssssss

mutiara damansara web

bluegh

kings of leon! wooot!

grrrr

sleepless nights

hmph

adorable

miss

bipolar-ism

aaaaah

Dear shrink,

A B C ?

things to do